Heart on Fire | Noah Sebastian

Chapter 16

Noah's Pov

I've spent the last few days with my band finally catching up, thankful that they stuck by me all this time, going over my 'escape' from Alyssa, my car crash, meeting and falling in love with Belle, repairing my relationship with my estranged brother and the general anxiety of my life whilst simultaneously feeling and being the most creative I have ever been. I have spent so many hours in our new studio, writing lyrics, creating new sounds and producing new music, just literally pouring everything out of me onto paper and screaming it into the mic. I don't know how much of this I'll release into our actual album but it was something I needed to get out. I feel liberated somehow. I feel good, I feel supported and I genuinely feel loved. I never thought I'd meet this chapter in my life.

But the anvil of anxiety sits heavy in the pit of my stomach and I can't seem to get rid of it.

Everywhere I go, even in my own house, I'm looking over my shoulder and flinching at the sound of a feather dropping. I have chills run up and down my spine constantly and I feel like I'm on edge. I flinch at the sound of my phone every time even though I know it's Belle responding to my messages. I'm like a meerkat whenever someone walks in the room just waiting for danger. Everytime I go out I'm second guessing everyone I see, doing a double take because I vaguely recognise someone when clearly they're not even close. This feeling I recognise, but it's different somehow. I used to feel this way when my relationship was at its worst but it's different now. I feel like I still have to watch where I step, one foot wrong could prove catastrophic. I know I am safe and I have felt safe, but I don't feel safe. Folio has even stayed with me for the last few nights noticing that I wasn't myself. He's helped me to unpack my house and I guess unpack my feelings in a more personal setting. I am forever grateful for him. But fuck i HATE this.

It feels different this time attempting to deal with things sober. I'm so used to numbing myself with alcohol and occasionally drugs. It's so ironic, my childhood was surrounded by my mother using drugs and alcohol to escape her issues and even though I swore I would never follow in her footsteps, I did. Alyssa essentially forced me into it. Do I blame her for too much? I would drink just to deal with her when I could and I would abuse any substance that helped me to forget the way she made me feel. I drank heavily and abused drugs everytime we split up, which felt like every few months which in turn affected my band negatively. I even struggled to find the money to fund our addictions and almost lost myself in doing so. I felt like I was searching for something to get me through the day, aching for meds that could take the pain away, feeling like I'm fighting battles at my lowest, kind of waiting for someone to notice.

But I'm supported this time around. I have my band, I have my brother and I have Belle.

"Hey you" she says lightly through the phone. "How are you?" she asks kindly.

I exhaled a deep breath I never knew I was holding. I haven't heard her voice in days and I'm glad I could hear it today. "I'm better for hearing your voice" I responded, hearing her hide a smile. "How are you?"

"You're cute. I'm better now that I've reached my weekend" she giggles. "Hey I wanted to ask you something" she said which immediately sent anxiety raging through my body which was absolutely no fault of hers. I encouraged her to ask me. "So you remember Eric from my work, well he's having a party tonight and oh my gosh this is weird for me... I was wondering if you'd like to come along with me? He's invited you" she asks shyly through the phone. "It's super low key, just to blow off some steam, reset after a tough few weeks".

A new type of anxiety raced through my nervous system, one of a completely and utterly stupid nature. Meeting all of Belle's work friends in a more social setting, meeting them outside of the cafe terrified me, despite the fact I've met them all before, I've had conversations with them all before, hell they all gave me the Father treatment a few weeks ago before I asked her out but meeting them outside that setting, I'm unsure. I've never been through this before, well a healthy version of this before. What would happen if they didn't like me or I was an embarrassment? What if I'm not the person they expect or don't live up to their expectations? What if my past carries too much baggage for Belle to handle? I hesitated in answering her and began to panic and Folio noticed. He stole the phone from me and saw it was Belle calling me.