𝐖𝐀𝐑 𝐎𝐅 𝐋𝐔𝐒𝐓 | 𝟏𝟖+

FORTY-FOUR

R O M A N

"Baby, you were the love of my life, woah and maybe, you don't know it's lost 'till you find it."

. . .

I stare ahead of me, looking at the food that's on my desk. But I can't get myself to eat it.

I'm not hungry and haven't been for a while. Ever since I sent Alyssa away.

Her laughter vaguely rings in my head and all I can think about is when she'd barge into my office with takeout and she'd sit on my lap.

My hand rubs over my heart and I lean back in my chair. I've been an empty shell of myself, and nothing can fill the void.

My gaze burns on the letter that's laying on my desk. The letter that I haven't opened ever since I spotted it.

I don't know why I haven't read it yet. Maybe it's a form of self-torture.

But I haven't gotten myself to the point of reading what's in there. Not knowing is filling me up with desperation, and my fingers itch to tear open the paper.

But the question that bothers me is not knowing what's in there. Not knowing if she's apologizing or confirming my fear that she just used me and her feelings weren't real.

My own paranoia is driving me crazy and I've been in this spiral ever since I sent her out of my home.

She could tell me that she used me all she wants, I'll still miss her like crazy and long for her in my home.

To be in my arms so I can play with her curls.

I love her, no matter how much she hurt me.

My fingers reach out to the letter that I took out of the drawer a few minutes ago. Even though I could never open it, I take it with me everywhere I go.

My next class is in two hours, so I still have some time to get myself together if this letter happens to break me.

Which I know it will.

With trembling fingers, I open up the envelope and pull out the sheet of paper that's inside.

"Fuck," I breathe and steady my breathing.

Fear has me in its grip, and not knowing what she said is terrifying. Not knowing if my heart is going to get smashed into more pieces is terrifying.

The disgusting feeling I felt when I sent her out of my office that fateful day has made its return. I remember feeling so small and the tears burning my eyes.

I fold the letter open and take in the words.

Dear Roman

I know words won't fix what I did or how I started our relationship. But I can promise you that I meant every word said between us.

There was a pull between us that I couldn't ignore, ever since I met you. It had nothing to do with your brother, and everything with you.

I was attracted to you and couldn't help it. My advances toward you were genuine, and every time I came closer to you, it was because you pulled me in.

Being in your presence is thrilling. You infatuate me and have done so ever since you said your first sentence to me.

The nights we spent together are forever in my heart and I cherish them deeply, just like I cherish you.

I love you, Roman. The way I've never loved anyone else.

I thought I knew what love was, but I couldn't have been more wrong. You're addicting and the way you love is addicting.