Back To December

9.

Louis wasn't handling things well.

He tried to put on a show but I saw through it. He was hurting. He thought I was asleep that first night he came in my window. I wasn't. I heard his words.

I love you too.

He still needed me and I needed him too. He was still my best friend. That's what we went back to. The school year came and went and now it was summer vacation. Louis and I had gotten back to where we were before the friends with benefits thing. I still felt the nervous feeling and I still love him. I always will.

We are back to hanging out everyday. We have Friday night movies. We actually both got jobs at the movie theater. I sell tickets and Louis sells the snacks. He's been saving up every paycheck for a car. A specific car. An old yellow camaro with black racing stripes. It's not lost on me why he wants that car. I know exactly what he's doing.

"You're deflecting Lou." I tell him sitting on the counter next to the sodas. I'm on my break but he's still working.

"Technically I'm popping popcorn and restocking skittles."

I roll my eyes. "I wish you'd just get there faster." I mumble under my breath. A part of me wanted him to hear me, part of me didn't.

He sighs closing the candy door. "I know Haz. I just...ugh I don't know."

"You're still scared." I jump down. "I get it. I've gotta get back to work. See you tomorrow."

This is what we always come back to. I've already come out but he is still scared. I don't know what he's so afraid of? Is it me? Is it what he thinks people will say about him liking guys? I just don't understand.

"Haz. 1. 4. 3." He says coming to stand in front of me.

"1. 4. 3." I say it back.

At home, with the boys, he drops his walls like he's ready to come out but then...at school, work, fucking anywhere else he's got them up like a fucking vault. It's exhausting putting up with it. He sneaks in my window and leaves me little notes. He came up with the 1. 4. 3. so he can say I love you without saying it. I walk past him and back to the ticket counter to clock back in.

He didn't come that night. I'd fucked it up again. Just like December 25th I had to bring it up again. Feelings. Coming out. I'm an idiot. I should have kept quiet and hope in silence that one day it'd be me and him forever.

A few weeks later and it's the last day of summer. Mum told me earlier she was leaving for work I just mumbled an okay and pulled the blanket over my head.

I jump up when I hear the loud song play.

DUN DUN DUN DUN CHAAARGE!

It sounds again. Who is the smart ass that is playing the damn calvary sound at 8am in the fucking morning? I hear it again as I throw my front door open and narrow my eyes at the yellow camaro in my driveway.

DUN DUN DUN DUN CHAAARGE!

He laughs and smiles at me presenting the vehicle like Vana White presenting letters on wheel of fortune. I run forward and throw him down on the ground in the grass being careful not to hurt him.

"Out of all the sounds in the universe you chose that as your horn?"

He laughs. "It got you up didn't it?"

I shake my head and go over to his car. He did it. He wraps his arm around my shoulder and opens the driver side door. I look inside at the leather seats and then feel around the steering wheel for the button to pop the hood. I pull and smile as it pops up.