Back To December

30.

I wake up on my couch. Claire is tucked under my arm. My head in on Liam's lap. Niall and his girlfriend are asleep in the recliner. Zayne is on the loveseat with William. I sit up and Eleanor is laying on the floor next to the couch with Mike's arm around her waist. Her hand is resting on the side of the couch and I shake my head missing the warmth of her hand only a tiny bit.

It has been three weeks and they're still here.

They don't leave.

I walk into the kitchen and stare at the coffee maker. Harry's coffee maker. I rub my hands over my face and take deep breaths.

"Lou." I turn and see Liam at the door with Eleanor.

"No." I shake my head and walk through the back door onto the porch.

I didn't want to come back here. I had to though. I had to for Claire. It's her home. It's not mine. Not anymore. I walk across the backyard and sit in the middle of the grass with my knees curled into my chest. I know someone will follow eventually. They want me to talk. Throw something. Cry. Anything.

"Dad." I take a deep breath and turn around to face Claire.

"Hey Claire bear. Sleep well?" I hold out my arms and she crawls into my lap.

"Mmm." She sniffles. "Waffles."

I nod. "Whatever your heart desires princess." I stand up with her clinging to my side.

I walk back inside and set her down at the table while I pull out the ingredients for waffles. It's Monday so she has kindergarten today. It's her first day. She watches me make the waffles and I make enough to feed everyone in the house. I hear Liam and Eleanor talking to her about school and how Eleanor made her lunch and Liam packed her backpack. I place the plate of waffles in front of her and put some fruit on her plate as well.

"Eat up. I'll go get your uniform and then you go get ready." I kiss her head and go upstairs.

I hear the footsteps behind me but I don't say anything. I go into Claire's room and grab her uniform from the closet and lay it on her bed. I nod at Eleanor in the doorway and pat her shoulder as I pass by and walk towards my room. I pause with my hand on the door. I close my eyes and see where in the room  I want to go.

Closet.

Right. Straight. Shuffle left around dresser. Straight. Open door. Left. Grab hoodie and jeans. Reverse.

I go over the directions in my head like I have been for three weeks. I push the door open and make my way to the closet without opening my eyes. Muscle memory is what Zayne calls it. They all talk about me like I'm not here sometimes. I'm here. I'm always here.

"Lou."

I shake my head as I close the door behind me, holding my hoodie and a pair of jeans. "No Eleanor. Please."

She steps forward and hugs me. "It's okay to let it in Lou."

I gulp. "I can't. I need to get Claire to school. Then I have to go to the daycare. I have to meet the guy at the cem...for the stone. I really am quite busy today."

She grabs my hand. "Zayne can handle the daycare. I can go with you today. Liam can come too."

I shake my head. "No. I...I'm fine."

I lie. I walk around her and into the bathroom and lock the door behind me. I rest my head against the door and I wait for the footsteps to walk away. I slide down the door and rest my head against my knees as I let it in.

"Harry."

I sob. This wasn't supposed to be it. We were supposed to have forever. He was supposed to be here. He's supposed to drop her off with me and watch her settle into her class. We're supposed to do this together. I sob harder and scream as I try to catch my breath. I hit the floor over and over. Forever isn't supposed to be this short. I finally pull myself together and stand up. I look into the mirror and lifeless eyes look back at me. I throw water on my face and get in the shower. 5 minutes. I allow myself 5 minutes to shower with my eyes closed. I allow only 5 minutes to take in the smell of his shampoo and body wash. After 5 minutes I'm out and dressed. I take a deep breath and walk downstairs.