Oncie POV:
I just dropped Jesussy on his big floppity ass, I looked as it just jiggled there before I got snapped out of my trance and tried to help him up and he totally blew up in my face ):
I'm such a silly goose, anyways hopefully he takes this next part of my plan for hottest, most perfectest date ever. His ass will look so great for our next activity.
Fiiiinally the goat arrives. GODDAMNIT uber drivers are slow like fuck this guy. 1 star on yelp. Ugh why are people so incompetantè
"O-oncie what are we doing?" Asks jesussy as he smacks his lips. (It makes a "sptfmpfmthsbksbdgjabshxsk" sound just so U noe)
Oncie finishes setting up the candles and skips back over to jesussy.
"Okie dokie honey boo~" he says deeply as he goes to take off Jesussy's blindfold. Just take a look.
"what is this" say jesussy, shocked like he had just seen a ghost, well technically he is a ghost but also not but also whatever.
"Uhh what do you think it is?"
"a..."
"YEP ITS A PENTAGRAM!!!"
"Oncie..." Jesussy trails off, looking over to the goat decked out in Gucci chained to the tree as well as the sharp dick shaped dagger next to it and the five vagina candles lined around a familiar puckered hole shape.
"Yeah, I know right hottie? We're totally fucking spawning Satan!!!"
Jesussy POV:
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY FUCKING SHIT HOW THE SHIT BISCUITS AM I GONNA GET THROUGH THIS ONE. 'oH YeAH jEsUSsy, gO On A dAtE wITh a ReAlLy hOT gUy tHAt yOu lIkE. NOtHiNg cOuLD pOsSIbLy gO wRoNg!' MY FUCKING ASS, IVE REALLY FUCKED MY SELF OVER ON THIS ONE.
Ok wait no babes let's just pace ourselves... Maybe I can fake my dea- no no I already died if he saw me again he would put two and two together...
I could make a run for it... No no that won't work, he could secretly be a cheetah in disguise trying to make millions to earn $20 in a bet...
I could just say no. But then he would think I'm a pussy... I'm jesussy not 'je-pussy'
Oh my fucking dad. I could totally call up cousin Lucy... But then again he's still mad at me for that time I lorded over him that I was Daddy's son and he's just one of his creations ):
No no that should totally work. If not I'll call him a cunt and run away. Fuck yeah we got this.
"THIS IS THE BEST DATE EVER!!!"
"REALLY!" Oncie says cheerfully, accidentally letting his cool act slip, "oh- I mean really?"
"YES"
"Do you think it's gonna work?"
"Oh fuck yeah you hot peice of ass. Of course it will dip shit! He's Satan he loves helping all the people going to hell!"
"Well hot stuff... We better get started..."
I start lighting candles as he slits the goat's throat and smearing it like a toddler who just shit themself.
"Wait a second babes... I gotta, uhh, pee? Or something... BE BACK IN A MINUTE"
"Oh cool can I come?"
"...No?" Bitch rlly?
I take out my phone and dial Lucy. He picks up on the third ring.
"What do you want Jesus?" He says in a gruff, angsty voice.
"OH LUCY SO GOOD TO HEA-"
"What do you want Jesus."
"My my my, did someone burn your pancakes down there? Piss in your cereal? Kick you in the nuts?"
"No Jesus what do you want"
"...ineedanfavorpleasw"
"What was that Jesus?"
"I..."
"Oh my gosh, you totally need a favour. Hah pussy"
"):"
"Oh my gosh this is too f-funny. HAHAHAHAHHAAAHAHAHA"
"No it's no-"
"Y-yo-you're r-right. It's n-not"
"Thank you-"
"ITS FUCKING HILARIOUS" Lucy then proceeds to laugh at Jesussy like a chicken on steroids who is dying.
"...I'll blow you"
He stops suddenly "What"
"I won't repeat myself"
"Then you got a deal... Slut~"
"Kill yourself"
"Right back at ya, fuck face (:"
They make a deal, I'm too much of a penis to narrate that so you get what you get and you don't get upset. Cheers fuckface jkjkjk or am i? 🤡🐸🔥❤️💖😁🤗🥺💋🤠💞💞💞💞
"Ok I'm back babes!"
"Yass queen!!!! Quandale Dingle is here to help us with the ceremony!"
"Hey guys it Quandale Dingle here rehehehe"
"YASSSSS"
Oncie smears blood all over the thingies and the other thing and a thing with the thing happens.
"Hjbjubba dubba, kill my brothers plz, bubbaladdubba ooga wooga, lechuga ga googa"
Just ass Oncie utters the final word a big juicy boof of green smoke mushroom cloud erupts and out of the smog comes a gigantuin set of knockers, 69 inch strap on and a whole load of ass attached to what looks like a twelve foot tall goat human crossed with alcoholism and the red colour of ur mums asshole all in one. Not to even start mentioning the totally rocking, cock socking bong in ass type emo lingerie that you can get at some emo gay fish booth and ur local Tesco, gutter at the cemetery, op shop and government building.
Tits jiggling and dick twiggling, lucifer slowly steps out of the smoggy smogs and gives a big fatty, mouth opened in an o shape for going 'ooooogawoogibabooobidooo' with a shit ton of spoiky teeth sticking out in a funky grin.
"Hi hoe yee stinky bitch sluts, what can yeez blow me fo-"
"Omg Satan I'm like ur biggest fan plz sign my Ouija board and I'll suck ur dick it's like such an honour omg omg omg omg" screams Oncie and he starts turning purple and hyperventilating as he jumps up and down.
YOU ARE READING
Where Are You... God? Onceler X Jesus Satire
FanfictionJesus, the one true son of god meets a certain someone dressed in green and they get just a little too close... This is satire, soz if I offended any Christians but suck it anyways lol 🤪 Updates every few days. (That's a lie, I'm a lazy fuck and it...
