Safe Haven | Yuzuru Hanyu

55.

The free program was as chaotic as one would expect.

Yuzuru didn't have many hopes for a medal, not with a barely functioning ankle and with the disadvantage that he already carried from the short.

Maybe if it had been some other time he could've believed in a miracle.

But now, more than ever, he felt alone.

Sure enough, his mother was right there, trying her absolute best to provide him with the best support, but he still felt the loneliness.

It was hard to explain, but there are times when you're surrounded by those you love and still feel alone. It didn't mean he wasn't loved or didn't have people taking care of him, but going on that ice and taking all of the weight that his name carried made him feel like this.

Any other skater would have aborted on the whole axel idea, maybe even withdrawn from the whole thing. He felt like it was 2016 all over again, with uncertainties if his health would even allow him to continue.

Suddenly, all the plans that he had already made for future shows and the launch of his professional career were all in limbo.

Right then, he had to focus on the Olympics and doing his best attempt on the Axel, the rest didn't matter.

Yuzuru Hanyu wouldn't quit. Not now, not ever.

He listened to Emma's reassuring words as they spoke on the phone before the event. His girlfriend knew that trying to do anything else but encouraging him was useless, she knew him well enough.

Yuzuru cried when they spoke, something that would scare a lot of people, but Emma knew that it was better when he did.

The skater cried constantly, and usually for a long time, but the good thing was that after he was done, his heart slowly healed and he was ready to move on.

Crying was almost a ritual for him to keep going.

When he turned off their call, he was ready to skate. Well, as ready as his body allowed him to be.

And just like the warrior of his program, he was ready for any adversities.

Tenchi might have been the program that better represented Yuzuru as a person. It was one of those performances in which he never felt like playing a part, it allowed him to be himself, at least he hoped so.

He got on that ice with his bravest face.

Maybe he couldn't win this, but he could inspire others to always fight, no matter what.

Sure enough, Yuzuru didn't think he had a lot of chances of landing the jump cleanly. He would be happy if he was even able to jump high enough to get the rotations

Yuzuru skated from his heart on that day.

Not surprisingly, the axel didn't work at all but Yuzuru barely felt the fall. Later on, he would tell you that if he had the proper feel of his ankle and held on just a little bit better, he would have been able to land it but there were things that not even the best figure skater ever would know on the spot.

When it came to the salchow, he felt it immediately, not enough height once again. Emma had been right, the Salchow was hell.

The rest of the program though, went as best as he could expect.

Yuzuru didn't stop giving his best just because those two first jumps didn't work out.

He still wanted to give a decent performance to those watching, even if he had disappointed them for certain.

The expectations everyone had for Yuzuru weighed on him, that was no secret, he hated to disappoint people, no matter who they were.

He felt undeserving of all the love Beijing and the World had given them, but he wouldn't slack off because he started badly.

When it was all done, he fought the tears, gave a smile, and bowed to those watching.

He didn't want to show a weak spot in front of the cameras.

As usual as it was for him to cry, he rarely, if ever, did it when he was being filmed.

Yuzuru barely listened to the announced score. He didn't even check what they had considered on the Axel. He just wanted it all to be over.

Asking for a bag of ice as he sat in the green room, he was quick to take off his skates and wince with both relief and pain as he iced the painful ankle with his competitors watching.

He just didn't care anymore, a blank expression on his face as he did it.

When Shoma was skating, he took the opportunity to change out of his costume.

Yuzuru had no doubts that his best score would be the 4th place. The fed would never allow for anything different when he made those mistakes, no matter how badly one of his fellow Japanese colleagues skated.

Well, that's what you get when you don't surrender to what they wanted.

The only thing he regretted about that day was not being able to hold back the tears in the interviews. It had been fine with the international press, but when he saw Shizuka and a familiar Japanese interviewer, it had been impossible for him not to feel defeated.

As much as he knew that he had done his absolute best and worked hard, there were always thoughts of 'what if'

What if he had surrendered to this new wave of skating, what if he had focused on jumps, what if he hadn't tried the axel?

Healing would take time, probably more than he ever expected, but the experience of Beijing would later show him that sometimes you don't have to win to be the most valuable figure in a competition.

Some things are far more important than a gold medal.