BSD Oneshots

A Conversation (Sigma and Atsushi)

(A/N: I got inspiration from watching this week's new episode so you guys get this)

It had been a few months now since Sigma had joined the agency, as he'd wanted to do for a quite long time. Sometimes it still shocked him that he'd actually been able to, seeing as he'd technically been on the opposing side and he just assumed no one would trust him enough to let him join.

But somehow, they had. And Sigma felt that he owed it all to Atsushi, who had eagerly asked if he wanted to join when they'd run into each other for the first time again after everything had gone down.

At the time, Sigma had hesitated because while the answer was an absolute yes, he worried that he wouldn't actually be accepted there for a multitude of reasons. But Atsushi had insisted that he'd talk it over with everyone and try and convince them to let him join, and how could Sigma say no to that?

Though, Sigma wasn't exactly sure why Atsushi was being so nice. He couldn't help but wonder if he'd just turn out to be like everyone else who had ever used him in the past. Atsushi seemed genuine and all, but...Sigma still wasn't sure who he could trust, so he kept his guard up.

Cut to the present day, and Sigma had been allowed to join after passing the entrance exam that had been set up. Everyone was pretty nice and generally agreed that he fit right in. While he wouldn't exactly say he was friends with everyone there, he was at least on friendly terms with everyone.

His consensus ended up being that he found himself relating to Kunikida a lot after having been stuck with Dazai for awhile, similarly feeling frustrated with the bandaged man from time to time (because said bandaged man often tried to dance with him again), being a little afraid of Yosano but respecting her, trying his best to protect Kenji and Kyouka whenever he could, relating to Atsushi and Junichiro's worried natures, wondering what the deal was with Naomi, being amazed at how great a detective Ranpo was, and viewing Fukuzawa as a good, fair boss.

If he had anyone there that he'd definitely call a friend though, it would probably be Atsushi. The kid was really nice and always willing to help. Though it was also worth noting that sometimes he could be too self-sacrificing, and it admittedly made Sigma worry about him.

Another thing that still sometimes confused Sigma was just the general vibe of the agency. The way they all worked together, looked out for each other, just generally cared about each other, it reminded Sigma of how a family might act. At least, his interpretation of what one might be. Most of all, there was the blatant lack of anyone using each other. There was no tossing someone away once they were no longer useful, no leaving them behind once they'd served their purpose. Sigma wondered if he'd ever stop finding this so unfathomable. Maybe it was just because this was the first time he wasn't being used...or so he hoped. He'd still have his occasional doubts. As much as he wanted to believe he'd finally found some people he could look at as friends and maybe even family, he supposed that he was still a bit damaged from all the times he'd gotten used and then inevitably thrown away in the past. But then he felt bad because everyone here had been nice enough to take him in, so shouldn't he at least repay them by giving them his trust?

All of these thoughts were running through his mind as he tried to get his paperwork done.

Over at his desk, Atsushi glanced up and noticed how lost in thought Sigma seemed to be. Is he ok? he wondered as he got up and walked over, tapping Sigma's shoulder. "Mr. Sigma?"

Sigma jumped, but relaxed slightly when he looked up and saw Atsushi. "Oh...hey, Atsushi. And I've told you, you can just call me Sigma."

"Are you ok? You seem a little lost in thought."

"Yeah, I'm fine."

"Are you sure?" Atsushi didn't seem convinced.

Sigma fell silent for a minute. He figured there wasn't really a point in trying to claim he was fine when Atsushi had already realized he wasn't, but he didn't know if he wanted to bring it up even though he and Atsushi were the only two people in the room and he trusted the kid. "...You're right, I suppose I am a bit lost in thought."

"Is there something you need to talk about?"

Sigma thought about it. His fears wouldn't leave him alone, but...maybe it would be nice to voice them to someone for once. "Actually, yeah. I might need to."

"Oh, sure!" Atsushi took Sigma's hand and pulled him up from his desk. He then pulled him to the sofa and sat next to him. "So what's up?"

Sigma looked at him. "Does it ever surprise you when you notice people not using each other and then tossing them aside when they're not deemed of good use anymore?"

Atsushi blinked. "That's kind of a random question."

"I suppose it is."

"Honestly, it did used to surprise me a little."

"Really?" Sigma was surprised.

"Yeah. Before I joined the agency, I'd spent my entire life in an orphanage and...well, let's just say it wasn't exactly the best environment."

Sigma nodded thoughtfully.

"The headmaster just was not a good person. He always had some problem with me and never failed to take it out on me."

Sigma felt bad. "I'm sorry."

Atsushi glanced up at him. "It's ok. At least I'm not in that environment anymore...even though I still do get flashbacks."

"That's normal, albeit not fun to deal with."

"Yeah...but anyways! This isn't about me, what's up with you?"

"...Sometimes you guys really shock me."

"We do? How?"

"The way you guys interact with each other. You always look out for each other no matter what, you're...I don't know, almost like a family, I guess?"

"You're right, we kind of are. How come it shocks you, though?"

Sigma took a deep breath, almost not believing that he was really about to admit this to someone when he'd never done it before. "Because...I've been used and manipulated multiple times in the past for as long as I can remember. People only stuck around until I stopped being useful to them, and then they were gone. Every time I thought 'finally, this'll be the time I don't get used, this is genuine', it wasn't. It was always the same. I never knew who I was or what my purpose was. I never had anyone I could trust. So then when I first learned about you guys from Dazai, I just couldn't understand how you looked out for each other because you cared, not because of how useful you were to each other. I'm still having trouble comprehending it, if I'm being honest. And I want to be able to understand it so I can trust you all better. You guys were nice enough to take me in, and I can't even trust you without fearing that someday I'll be on my own again..."

"Sigma, don't feel bad. Of course you have your doubts when you've been used so often in the past. You're just trying to keep yourself from getting hurt again, which makes sense."

"I guess you have a point."

"We won't leave you though, that's a promise."

Sigma smiled a little.

Atsushi smiled back. "I know it'll take you some time to believe that, but I hope you can soon."

"I hope so, too," Sigma agreed.

"But also, don't feel rushed to try and get over not completely trusting us because I'll let you in on a little secret, most of us here struggled with that at one point or even still do sometimes. So we wouldn't hold it against you."

Sigma tilted his head. "You guys deal with it, too?"

Atsushi nodded. "Most of us, at least. But it got better because we all found each other. Like you even said, we're a lot like a family. And I'm glad you've become part of it now, too."

Sigma smiled. "Thanks, Atsushi."

"Of course." Atsushi reached out and hugged him.

Shocked at first, Sigma returned the hug. It actually felt really comforting.

As Sigma worked for the rest of the day, he kept thinking back to his conversation with Atsushi. While he felt bad that the kid could relate so much to what he was saying, it also felt nice to know he wasn't alone. Not anymore. He believed that even though it might take some time to fully let his guard down and trust everyone there, he could do it. He could learn to trust this found family who had taken him in.