BSD Oneshots

I Wish I Could See You (Suegiku)

(A/N: okay so I randomly got this idea recently and it's hardly left my brain since then. I just thought, hey what if Jouno had a moment where he wished he could see Tecchou and it gets brought up. Obligatory angst warning, of course. Without further ado, enjoy!)

Something had been bothering Jouno a little (a lot) lately.

And it had to do with none other than the fact that he was blind and by extension had never once seen Tecchou.

He hadn't felt this bad about being blind since the lack of a functioning optic system had first befallen him. Naturally, he'd had a lot of feelings about it back then. The fear of what his life would be like from here on out had especially been a big one.

Of course, as the years had passed, he'd learned how to adapt so he could still live a relatively normal life. He had become way better at navigating the world without sight to the point that it didn't feel as limiting as it once had. He was proud to say he'd come a long way since then.

But now all those feelings he'd felt back then had started rushing back to him, and that didn't happen often. Once upon a time, he had been glad he didn't have to see Tecchou (just hear him and learn about a bunch of weird food combinations he could've gone his whole life without knowing). Now though, he wanted nothing more than to see who had become most important person in his life.

And he couldn't.

It was times like this where he really hated being blind. So what if he'd gotten used to it and learned to navigate the world in different ways? It didn't mean he liked it. He'd done it because, well, did he really have a choice?

He just missed seeing the world in all its beauty. Seeing those important to him. Mourning the fact that he'd never be able to see Tecchou since they hadn't met until after he'd gone blind.

At one point, Tecchou had begun to notice that Jouno seemed a bit off (the prime examples including a noticeable lack of Jouno's typical complaining and sarcastic comments and just seeming down in general). He debated on whether he should ask because he knew all too well that Jouno wasn't exactly the most open person in the world and asking might not lead to desired results. At the same time, he was worried. What could be bothering Jouno to the point that he was actually visibly sad?

Finally, he decided to ask one evening when he and Jouno were relaxing together and he noticed Jouno looked a bit worse now than he had before. Seeing as Tecchou had already been worried, this only served to alarm him further."Jouno?"

Jouno snapped out of his thoughts and faced the direction he heard Tecchou from. "Hm?"

"You've seemed really off lately and it's been worrying me. What's bothering you?"

"...It's nothing important."

"It is important if it's bothering you this much."

Jouno sighed as he thought about whether he should admit things to Tecchou or not.

"You don't have to tell me, of course. I'm just saying I'll listen if you do want to tell me," Tecchou continued, glancing at his boyfriend.

Jouno felt a tiny bit better as he let the other's words sink in. Sometimes he still wondered how Tecchou always seemed to know just what to say or do to reassure him.

Tecchou waited to see what would happen.

Jouno took a deep breath as he finally began to tell Tecchou the thoughts that had been eating away at him for what felt like so long. "...I wish I could see you."

Tecchou began to listen attentively. That's why he's seemed so sad lately? He felt bad, wishing he'd known so he could've tried to help sooner.

"It's just...I miss seeing in general. I could at least see certain things at one point. But I've never seen you. Not once. I've always wondered what you look like. I know you've described yourself as best you could, and I've even made up a face for you in my mind based on your descriptions. But...it doesn't stop me from wishing I could actually see you. I've always thought that, though it's been worse lately and I don't know why." Jouno paused, beginning to tear up. He'd hoped it would help to finally say it, but all it was doing was reminding him of the harsh reality that he could never see Tecchou.

Tecchou reached out, gently patting Jouno's arm.

Jouno took a deep breath, trying to continue to speak past the lump in his throat. "I know I don't need to see you to know you're beautiful because I know that anyway. But I still wish I could."

"I'm sorry, Jouno." Tecchou put an arm around him.

Jouno leaned against Tecchou's shoulder. "It's not your fault...I just wish I'd never gone blind in the first place. I haven't felt like this since it first happened...lost, alone, feeling robbed of what so many people do have and wondering 'why me'? Of course I've learned to adapt. But I wish I never had to. I want nothing more than to see again. To see you. It feels so horrible to not be able to ever see the one you care about the most. You're always right there, and I can never see you." His voice cracked and he hid his face in Tecchou's shoulder.

Tecchou pulled Jouno into a hug, hoping that he could comfort him at least a little. He saw how much his partner struggled even if the partner in question always tried to brush it off and appear fine. He knew Jouno wished he could still see even if he never actually said it much. Truth be told, he also wished Jouno could see so he could suffer less.

Jouno remained in Tecchou's comforting embrace and let his tears fall as all the depressing thoughts and feelings he'd been struggling with hit him at once.

Tecchou just held Jouno while he cried for what felt like hours as he waited for the other to calm down. Once that happened, he glanced down at him.

Jouno was still hiding his face in Tecchou's shoulder.

"Jouno," Tecchou spoke up in his typical calm voice.

Jouno glanced up and wiped away some tears, facing Tecchou.

Tecchou looked at him with his usual serious expression, but there was also a hint of sadness to it since he hated seeing Jouno suffer. "Blind or not, I see how capable you are. You've proven it time and again since I first met you and as I got to know you better. You're still the most important person in my life, and you always will be. I'd put you over justice any day. I love you."

Jouno was finally able to smile a little for the first time in what felt like forever. "I love you, too."

Tecchou also smiled a little and leaned in closer to Jouno, kissing his forehead.

Jouno smiled more, leaning against Tecchou and relaxing as he rested in his embrace and listened to the other's calming, steady heartbeat, the heartbeat that had come to make him feel safe no matter how sad or anxious or alone he felt. He was still sad over not being able to see, but everything felt so much better when Tecchou was there. Even the loss of his sight somehow didn't feel so isolating or hopeless when he had Tecchou there. He often wondered how one person could both rile him up and calm him down so easily. But what he did know was that he loved him dearly.

Tecchou looked over at Jouno, still smiling a little. "I really do love you."

"I love you too, idiot." Jouno grinned slightly.

"Hey! I just did my best to comfort you and the thanks you give me is another one of your insults?" Tecchou looked at Jouno, pouting.

Jouno poked him. "Yes. You are one. But you're my idiot."

Tecchou laughed a little. "I'll take it."

Jouno smiled more, still leaning against his beloved partner.