The Love We Failed To Unfold [COMPLETED]

Chapter 27

Freen

Like no other day. I spend the rest of my break in my apartment. There is no more fun in my life, I stopped that years ago.

I sat by the balcony looking at the skyscrapers by far. I inhaled softly as random thoughts of Becky crossed my mind again. It's always been like this, I always think of how we could have been if I didn't screw things up. If I didn't betrayed her and broke her trust.

Will I still be able to be as close as I am with her before?

Will I still be able to see myself gaining the success both of us strive when we we're still okay?

If I hadn't fucked up. Would I ever still be with her just like what both of us wanted to?

I guess all of those thoughts will still remain unknown bestowed upon me. It is too late to correct what's been done. And now all I need to do is suffer the consequences of my actions.

"Freen?" Mom's voice echoed over the balcony snapping me out of my thoughts.

"I'm here."

"What are you doing here?" She asked the moment she set foot on the balcony.

"Wanna inhale fresh air mom. Everything is so overwhelming." I replied.

"You can tell me anything if it's too much Freen. Don't bottle it up inside." Mom replied rubbing my back.

I still remember the moment the news of Becky parting ways from our love team affects everyone. I received all the hate, the judgement, the painful words that are thrown at me. I still remember how I suffered from anxiety attacks when I see comment that's triggers my anxiety. It was too much to bear.

I lose the light in my journey, I lose the only person who became my anchor through out the three years of being together. And with that I realized I just lost the best people in my life. I lost Becky.

I lost the person who truly loves me the most without asking anything in return.

I lost the person who love me for what I can offer as I tried to seek for someone who can love me the way I wanted to be love.  I forgot about Becky as I tried to find a replacement for the attention I wanted to be filled.

And the moment Becky left, that's when I realized she is all I needed and my boat will abode again. But it will continue to sink if it's crew is still not home.

"Freen?"

"U-uh yes?"

"What are you thinking baby?"

I sigh in reply.

"Mom, do you think Becky can still forgive me even if I fucked things up?"

"Freen. People forgive. It is our nature to make mistakes and everyone is allowed whether they will or will not forgive someone who caused them pain. But I know Becky, she can't hold grudges too much on you. You became Becky's paddles when she was drowning out in the waves and I know somewhere deep inside her still care about you. Still love you and will still have a space for you to settle in between them. She may forgive you Freen, but she can't give you the same trust again. She already lost it before, and walls are built much more stronger when it is tested. You may be forgiven, but access denied."

I slump my shoulders again I know Becky don't hold too much grudges. But just because she doesn't do that doesn't mean I am reckless enough to risk another trust again.

"If I just hadn't been a coward maybe we are both okay now."

"Freen don't think too much about it."

"Mom, I cannot not think about it. It's haunting me everytime. I can't—i-it's my fault."

"Free if Becky already forgive you maybe it is also already time to forgive yourself. You should try and accept the mistakes you did before Freen to be able to move on. We cannot move forward if we keep holding on unto the things that is already done. We can't undo those things and all we have to do is make it better and not repeat the same mistake again. That's the solution freen."

"It's hard to forgive myself mom. If I didn't do it maybe everything is fine." A tear slipped my eyes. "Maybe everything fall into place just like what we both planned it to be."

"But things won't go on the way we planned Freen. Life don't work that way. Sometimes we fail and learn from that mistake.We’ve all been there. We all make mistakes. You forgot to send a wedding present, spilled a secret that wasn’t yours to share, or perhaps even did something to intentionally hurt someone else. And now you feel like a total jerk. You’ve got a lump in your stomach and you can’t stop replaying the situation in your head. Deep down, you know you’re better than this, but right now, it feels like you’re the worst person in the world. And you have no idea when or even if you’ll ever be able to forgive yourself. And that's where we should try to cut the tree over. We need to get you move on and forgive yourself and learn from the mistakes you made."

"Freen life is not all about unicorn and rainbows. We needed to experience downfall to reach success. Lose the best things in life and sometimes sacrifice those who truly care for us for the pursuit of those who don't. We fail, we learn we stumble down and fall but what matters the most is we learn to get up and walk in our feets again. It is validated to feel regrets and resentments and blame ourselves for something that we failed to have because we keep on striving for something we cannot get a hold of. However, stewing in remorse isn't a productive way to cope. As difficult as it may seem, letting go of guilt and shame is a necessary part of moving on from any mistake or embarrassment. Even if we can't change how someone else reacts to a situation, we can always change our own outlook. "

"Remember that it's okay to feel guilty. It's okay to feel as if we are the baddest person in the word. It's okay. What you feel is validated. You don't have to blame yourself for that. Forgive yourself baby."

"I won't forgive myself unless Becky told me to Mom. Becky is the one I caused pain with, and I can't just be carefree enough to act as if I never caused her pain."

"I know baby. I know, but we don't know. What if you are repressing yourself from doing the things that hold you up from healing because of the guilt making you lose the chance to see the world because of Becky while Becky out there is living her life. We never know Freen, it's been four years after that and Becky cut all of us off. I also even blamed myself for what she felt but what's been done is done. We can't stop it from happening." Mom paused. " Often times, we use denial as a way to protect ourselves from the negative emotions of shame and guilt. And while it may be more comfortable to believe that we haven’t done anything wrong, it never helps the situation. Ignoring a problem does not make it go away. At some point you’re going to have to claim your mistakes for what they are: not your proudest moments, but part of your evolution towards becoming a better person."

"Forgive yourself Freen. Step by step we can be who you are again. Not because you are forgiving yourself doesn't mean you are invalidating Becky's feelings. You are still accountable for that, you just have to be a better version of yourself the fix the broken pieces."

Mom pulled me into a tight hug and I sob on her shoulders. This is what I needed. A person who will listen to me, not someone who will blame me for what I did because I know I did wrong. And I am not denying that.

"Let's take a step forward and heal baby. Becky will be back. Not now but soon."

:Hey guys, sorry for the late update. I am super busy with college and I just came home from school so I decided to update since it's been a while since I posted and again it is a short update. I can't promise when i'll update again but rest assured I will update. Sooner or later. Be safe everyone and susu na ka.

:⁠-Petalpage