I Will Rescue You | Elizabeth Olsen

47. "i'm gonna die"

this chapter does go into some detail about sa/rape. if you're uncomfortable with this then please do skip

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October 31st

DAISY's POV

"Daisy, Daisy, honey, listen to me. Listen. You're not gonna die. You're just having a really bad panic attack but these cuts are not deep enough for you to bleed out and die."

"I am! I'm gonna die, I'm gonna die."

"Robbie, call an ambulance, please."

"No! No hospital!"

"Daisy-"

One Hour Earlier

Waking up on this day is painful. It always is. It has been for the past four years.

I feel physically and emotionally incompetent, I feel like I'm paralyzed. The kind where you can hear and see everything and everyone, but you can't move or do anything about it.

This normally happens on Halloween, and then the next day I'm back to myself. I also tend to develop a severe pain between my legs like my body is remembering the pain of that Halloween when I was twelve.

Last night must have sent me into a really deep sleep because I didn't even feel when Robbie left my bed, and obviously he did because he's not in here anymore. However, Lizzie is and she's sat on the edge of the bed with a book in her hand, presumably waiting for me to wake up.

To let her know that I've awoken, I let out a small groan, also as the result of the pain I'm in. My whole body was bruised that day but he tore parts inside of me that I didn't even know I had, and right now it hurts almost as badly as it did on the day it happened.

"Hey, Dais," Lizzie's soft voice greets me as she puts her book down. "How are you feeling?"

Unable to respond verbally right now, I grip onto my pillow tightly in the hopes to alleviate some of the pain. It does nothing.

"It hurts," I admit quietly, and it comes out as what sounds like a cry.

"What hurts, sweetheart?"

"My..." I trail off, feeling too embarrassed to say the word.

Luckily, it seems that she knows what I'm talking about when she nods her head. "I understand. Is there a reason for it hurting?"

"... Does this happen every year?"

"Is it because of what he did to you?"

"Does your body remember the pain?"

She continues to ask a string of questions until a surge of pain causes me to suddenly cry out. Lizzie instantly rushes over to me and starts rubbing my back.

"Does it hurt that bad, honey?" I nod to her question. "Let me go and ring a doctor and see if they can do anything at all. I'll be back in a minute, okay? Hang in there."

That one minute is all it takes for me to get from my bedroom to my bathroom and get my object of choice out of its hiding place before using it to make several lines on my arm.

But instead of it causing me that sweet relief like it usually does, the only thing I feel is panic.

ELIZABETH's POV

I'm mentally cursing myself when I see my teenager in tears on her bathroom floor. Why did I leave her? Why on Earth did I think that was a smart move on a day like this?

"Robbie!" I yell to my husband and quickly get down on the floor with my girl. I grab the nearest towel and hold it to her arm. Moments later, Robbie comes rushing, yet stays silent for he knows that Daisy just needs me for now. "Baby, hey," I calmly say to her. "Can you sit up for me?"

"Lizzie," she pants heavily. "Something doesn't feel right."

"How'd you mean?"

"I feel... I-I'm..." her breathing suddenly speeds up and I quickly understands what's happening.

"Okay, it's a panic attack, sweetheart, it's okay, you've had them before, you're gonna be okay."

Having my daughter cut up in my lap isn't exactly what I had envisioned as 'keeping her safe' for the day.

"I can't do this anymore," she sobs, gripping onto me for dear life.

"Yes, you can, honey," I try to encourage her, "Look at me for a sec, will you."

After examining her eyes for a few moments, I see how different they look. The emotions they hold, the fear. "Your eyes are so tired, Daisy."

"It hurts!" she screams, wailing into my lap whilst I continue to hold the towel to her arm. I keep asking what hurts over and over but she just keeps crying out in pain. "Get off! I don't want to! I don't want to! Mommy, help me! Get off, please!"

It's clear that some sort of flashback is occurring and that I'm not educated enough to know how to manage this.

"Daisy, it's me," I tell her in the hopes that it might help ground her. "It's Lizzie, you're safe and you're with me."

"I'm gonna die!"

"Daisy, Daisy, honey, listen to me. Listen. You're not gonna die. You're having a really bad panic attack but you won't die."

"I am! I'm gonna die, I'm gonna die."

"Robbie, call nine one one, please."

"No! No hospital!"

"Daisy-"

"Ow!" she cries out in pain, doubling over and continuously screaming.

In what feels like one big blur, an ambulance arrives and I get in with Daisy, knowing that I'll be meeting Robbie there. When we arrive, I'm in tears as I watch my girl practically lifeless after being sedated.

They wheel her into a trauma room on a gurney and I'm told to wait outside. Luckily, my husband soon arrives and holds me tight as I cry into him. At least he's here for one of the three hospital trips I've taken with Daisy

"She can't be doing this," I sniffles. "She's just a baby, Robbie, she's a baby, my- my baby."

"Shhh. I know. She's gonna be alright."

-

After hours of waiting for the sedation to wear off enough that a psychiatrist could go in to chat to her, we're finally given some answers.

"What Daisy experienced is called a somatic flashback. It's a type of flashback in which the person experiencing the flashback experiences sensations, both mentally and physically that were felt during the traumatic event. From my understanding, this year might've been the worst one she's ever had due to her now being in a safe place where she can have her feelings without having to suppress them, whereas other years she's subconsciously blocked those feelings off, making it more intense this time round. We've sedated her for now but when it wears off, there's no telling of how she'll be, hence why she's been restrained to the bed with handcuffs."

My heart breaks as I glance through the small window to the hospital room. She shouldn't be handcuffed to the bed, she won't like that.

I let Robbie take over the listening so that I can be with my child. I hurriedly make my way inside and sit on the edge of the bed.

She just looks so deflated. Completely given up. I don't know if that's just because of the specific date, but I don't think it is. I've seen this coming for a while.

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this was mean but i needed to do the heart wrenching bathroom floor scene</3