Dear Alice

Acts of Desperation.

Dear Alice,

This is the part of my life that I'm least proud of, but it needs to be mentioned as part of a full confession. What's the point of doing only half a job? When you decide to take a bath you don't only wash your face and expect to be clean. You have to immerse yourself completely to come out clean on the other side. That's what I'm trying to do here and leaving out the bad bits isn't going to do me any good. So here we go.

I've been married thrice.
I've been divorced twice.

The third one just up and left.
No note, no warning, nothing…
I woke up one morning and she was gone.

I'm ashamed to admit it but I felt relieved. It saved us the embarrassment of an acrimonious separation.
And none of my marriages lasted for more than a year.
What a calamity.

I honestly don't know why I kept on trying, I should have just given it up after the first attempt. It would have saved me from adding to the misery that is swamping the world. I just hoped those women had found better, more stable men who could give them the love and support I never could.

That's the problem with trying. One should either do it or not. I tried to make my marriages work, but in the end, it just became hard work.
Looking back I should have never married. At all…

But yea… there's no point in crying over spilled milk.
I don't blame them.
I blame myself.

I was never honest with them or myself.
Needless to say, the reason why I married them was that some part of them reminded me of you. It was either their streaming black hair, the deep pools of their dark eyes, their height, or the smile or way they tilted their heads or something that I couldn't quite put my finger on. But that single part was not enough to build a marriage on or sustain it.

How foolish of me.

I should have known that to marry the shadow of a ghost would only exacerbate the problem and hasten my downfall, which escalated faster than the speed of a bullet train.

And thoughts if you haunted me... endlessly.
Did you ever get married? If you did, I hope it worked out well.
And I mean it…

Anyway, now you know that I had been married, divorced, abandoned, tortured, rack and ruined on the altar of unrequited love.

And for what?

How pathetic.

Leo Alexander

~°~

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