The Monster In My Head

Max's Reconciliation Part 5

That night, Madison twisted and turned in bed, for one of the craziest reasons.

Max.

Thoughts of him plagued her. All it took was one of his favorite songs randomly popping up on Spotify to send her down a never-ending memory road. A memory road she thought she had blocked off the moment she told him she didn't want to get back together.

She could hear his mischievous laugh, and his softer chuckle. Could feel his arms holding her close when she cried, could remember his attentiveness when she was deeply upset about something or when she was just ranting about something dumb. She could remember the double dates with Hope and May, and the dates to theme parks and coffee shops and really random, sometimes sketchy places.

It was frustrating. Why is this happening to me, she cried inwardly, tears filling her eyes. She blinked them away, sighing as she rose from her bed. This wasn't her first sleepless night. She knew exactly what to do.

It was just beginning to get cold, more so at night. She ignored the cold though as she left the house, sitting on the porch and looking up at the stars. She had hoped the cold would send enough of a shock wave to her body, silencing the thoughts, but they didn't. As she sat there, she only remembered more. Memories of her and May running around and playing in the yard as kids. Memories of walking up these steps with Brian when he was going to ask for permission to date her. Memories of Max randomly showing up and taking her out to "run errands", which he later admitted was just him making an excuse to have a date with her while they were still platonic friends.

She thought about what happened with Neveah earlier that day. How big of a relief it was to hear her voice. But how, for some reason, she couldn't help but feel they'd never be the same. She thought she had moved on. Had convinced herself she was over all of it. But here she was, sitting outside in the cold, in the middle of the night. And she couldn't help feeling mad at all of them. Mad at them for leaving her behind. Mad at them for having happy lives without her. And mad at herself for still caring.

Her heart stilled as a familiar car drove up into her yard and parked. She wiped the tears out of her eyes and watched as Max got out of the car and started towards her. His gaze was downcast, simply dressed in a hoodie and sweatpants. His hair was disheveled in a way that she had come to know as his "can't sleep" look.

He stopped a couple inches from her, but still wouldn't meet her eyes.

"Max... What are you doing here?"

He was quiet for a long moment, before finally sighing. "I needed to see you... I've been wanting to see you for a while, but I wasn't ready. But I need you now. I came here," he paused, looking at her. A faint smile came to his face and Madison couldn't help but return it. "I came here, thinking I would end up having to toss rocks at your window. I never expected you would be out here waiting for me."

Madison giggled quietly, scratching her head sheepishly. "Not exactly. It's a little creepier than that... I couldn't get you off my mind tonight. So I came out here in hopes to clear my mind a bit."

His brows raised, making her laugh more. "Wow. That is creepy," he said with a chuckle, sitting before her on the grass.

Madison smiled at him a moment longer, but suddenly remembered his words. Her expression saddened as she tilted her head. "You need me? Are you okay?"

Max looked away from her eyes, picking at his sweatpants. He sighed again, like the words were an effort to say. "I've been fighting an uphill battle recently. I thought it was an uphill battle with my future, with my classes. But all I've been doing is fighting battles from my past. Battles I never won. Battles I avoided."

"I fear that I've lost," he finished, his voice broken and evidence of the tears in his eyes he wouldn't show her.

"Max—" Madison said, reaching out to him. She rested her hand on his knee, giving it a gentle squeeze in hopes he would look up at her. He didn't.

He rubbed his eyes and took a deep breath. "My dad was finally proud of me. He even offered me an internship at his agency. He wanted to spend time with me." He shrugged. "He acted like a dad."

"But my heart wasn't in the classes. It wasn't in the idea of working at an advertising agency. My heart belongs to worship, to music. It was gnawing away at me, knowing I wasn't where I belonged. That I was selfishly going against my calling. So I withdrew from the classes... And told my dad..."

He finally looked up at her, his eyes filled with fear. "I even told him why I took the classes in the first place. That it was all to have a relationship with him. He didn't even let me see how he felt, he put up his wall again. So effortlessly, he blocked himself off from me after I confessed my deepest desire to him. I walked out of that café, praying he would stop me. He didn't. He let me just walk out of his life."

Madison watched tears rush down his face in a way she had never seen him cry before. He trembled before her like a little kid. Madison couldn't watch anymore. She swiftly moved towards him, pulling him into a tight grip. He wept into her shoulder, clinging to her like he was terrified she would vanish.

After a long moment, he finally pulled away slightly to look in her eyes. He slowly brought his hands to her face, framing her gently.

"I'm so sorry I pushed you away, Madison. I wish I hadn't. But I couldn't help the feeling that I needed to, even if I didn't know why then. I thought it had something to do with you, I thought it had something to do with college. I didn't realize how terrified I was of losing people the way I've lost my parents. After this breakup, after holding you now... I know how terrified I am now. I had to face that fear. I'm so sorry it was at our expense."

Madison shook her head firmly. "No, Max. I get it. It's alright."

He scoffed, lowering his gaze. "But it's probably all for nothing, Madison. I've lost him and I've lost you."

Before her instincts could properly communicate with her logic, she was jerking his head up and leaning forward. Max's eyes went wide as she kissed him, fighting with himself over whether to pull away or let her continue. He placed his hands on her hips and pulled away, gazing at her in confusion.

"The heck was that? Not that I'm complaining, that is," he said, his face going red.

Madison's face mirrored her own. She shrugged. "You haven't lost me, Max. You'll never lose me. Even if we're not together, you're one of my best friends. You still know me better than anyone outside of my family. I will always be there for you."

She paused, searching his eyes while she searched her own heart. She leaned closer to him and lowered her voice. "Beyond that, I thought I was over you. I did. But... it's clear to me I'm not. Because, right here, sitting before me is the Max I fell for. It's the Max I still haven't gotten over. It's the Max that kept me up tonight."

Max's eyes filled up with tears yet again, but this time they were different. This time, the ache in his chest was a pang of hope, not disappointment. "I've missed you so much, Maddie," he whispered earnestly.

She smiled at him, before once again leaning into kiss him. This time he let her, guiding the kiss by putting his hand gently into her hair as her hands moved to his shoulders.

When she finally broke away, he was smiling like a fool as he looked at her.

"I've missed you too..."

Her expression became slightly guarded again, making Max's pang of hope sink and crash as she pulled away from him.

"I still don't want to get back together though. But it's not because of you. I just don't want to be with anyone right now." She paused, smirking slightly. "For the same reason you told me you were breaking things off. I just want some time to get to know myself better. Some time to grow up."

She looked him in the eyes, taking his hand and brushing her thumb across his knuckles. "I'd like to hope you'll stick around while I do that. And if you haven't found someone you'd rather be with, and I haven't either, maybe we could consider seeing where this could go."

Max smirked back at her. He slowly lifted her hand to his mouth, gently kissing her skin. "You think we can remain platonic friends?"

Madison rolled her eyes, moving away so she could take a full breath. "I think we can try," she said with a teasing smile.