The Monster In My Head

Chapter 20 (Edited)

Four Days Later

May sighed as she braided her long hair. She was starting to seriously consider simply chopping off a bunch of it.

It had been four days since Brian died and now they were just trying their best to go back to normal. That was easier said than done, however. The whole baseball team was acting down, some of his friends weren't even showing up to school. Worst of all though was Madison. She hadn't come out of her room. If you went in there, you would simply find her lying in bed, her eyes closed. It was disturbing and worrying. They had tried over and over to get her out of her room, but nothing worked.

May came to her door now and knocked. Her reply came quietly:

"Yes?"

"We're going to town if you want to come." May crossed her fingers as she waited for her to respond.

"No thanks," Madison said. 

May sighed heavily, opening the door. Madison sat on her bed, knees pulled up to her chest, obvious dried tear streaks on her face.

"C'mon Madison. You haven't gotten outside of the house since—"

"Since what?" she challenged, her eyes dimming even more. 

May felt frustrated tears come to her eyes. She wiped them roughly and stepped closer. "I'm just worried about you. We're all worried about you." 

Madison's expression softened and she hung her head. "I'm okay, May. I just need some time. Please understand," she said, her voice so quiet, May strained to hear her.

"Okay... You sure you don't need something? A water? Something to eat? I could stay home with you instead, if you want." 

Madison shook her head. "No, I'm fine. Probably just going to take a nap. Haven't been getting any sleep." 

May nodded, then reluctantly left the room. As she walked away, she fought to keep her tears at bay.

***

Once May was out of earshot, Madison let more tears fall. She wished she wasn't like this. She could see how it was adding even more pain to her family, but it was like she was powerless to stop it.

She felt physically ill and her head pounded every minute with pain. She was constantly crying, and it made her feel weak. Worse than that though, was the monster in her head now growing in size. Now it was nearly impossible to ignore what it was saying.

She closed her eyes tight and laid back down. She didn't want to feel this way anymore. Time to drown her thoughts in the darkness of sleep.

***

*Trigger Warning*  Nothing too bad, just some dark thoughts. 

Madison sat in her bed that Friday morning, drawing in her sketchbook. Throughout the house, the sound of her family getting ready for Brian's funeral echoed. Abruptly, May burst in her room. Her eyes widened at Madison's appearance. She was still in her pajamas, her hair pulled into a stubby ponytail.

"Madison, why aren't you dressed? Aren't you coming?!" 

Madison bit her lip and looked down, unable to meet her eyes. "I'm not going." 

May sighed. "Maddie, they would really be happy to see you there." 

Madison shook her head. "Then send my regards," she replied quietly. 

May was silent for a long moment and Madison realized she was crying.

"Then go for Brian. Go in honor of him. He would want you there," May begged, her voice hoarse. 

Madison wiped away a few of her own tears.

"May, I just can't... I'll visit the grave on my own soon. Please understand. We all have our own way with dealing with things. I'm just not as strong as you..." Madison's heart sank at May's pained sob.

"Fine. I get it," she bit out, before stomping out. 

The door slammed shut and Madison fell on her face and began weeping.

It felt like everything was slowly falling apart. She wanted to blame God, but she couldn't bring herself to. All the blame was then left hanging there. And Madison, for some unknown reason, couldn't accept that. So, what did she do?

She put it on herself. It was only fair. It was her fault after all. And even if it wasn't, what kind of person was she? She dated a guy for a straight five months while she secretly pined for someone else. Then she dumped him for the other guy and kissed the other guy passionately in a school closet.

Then had the audacity to hope for forgiveness from him. And when he gave the forgiveness, and told her he loved her, she didn't even text it back. She didn't text ANYTHING back at all.

Madison looked up and screamed sharply in pain. The thoughts were too much. It felt like someone was standing in the room screaming at her. Feeling weak, Madison slowly stood and went to her bathroom. She hovered over the toilet and vomited, tears falling down her face.

She washed out her mouth then looked down at the sink counter. Sitting there was a razor. Hesitantly she touched its handle, then moved away. What was she thinking? She shouldn't do this! She thought. Yet, she found her hand grabbing its handle once more.

Author's Note

Sorry its cliffhangerish. I originally was going to have the whole scene, but it was pretty dark so I cut it short at the part she touched the handle. But you'll know what happens Monday. Next update should be LONG.