The Monster In My Head

Chapter 22

When Monday morning came, Madison considered feigning a cold. Today was going to be their first day back at school since the accident, but in no way did Madison feel ready.

Not ready to see Max, only to keep her distance. Not ready to ride on the bus without seeing Brian by May's side. Not ready to jog in the gym and not see him running laps with May and his other buddies. Not ready to face everyone and force a smile. Not ready to deal with all the well-intentioned questions and advice. Not ready to leave the comfortable prison she'd locked herself in that was her room.

Despite all that though, she got up, got dressed and got on the bus to face her hardest day of school yet.

***

Max's appetite was lost as he waited in the cafeteria for May to come sit with him. He had texted her that morning and told her there was something he needed to tell her, asked her if she could meet him. He hated that he had to be the one to tell her.

Madison had only said hi to him in Algebra, nothing more. He could tell though that this day was being rough on her. May was walking towards him now and he gulped. She sat next to him and sighed, raking a hand through her hair.

"You okay?" Max asked softly. 

She shook her head. She was looking about the way Madison did. Bloodshot eyes, messy hair, bags under her eyes. Overall, it was a look of extreme fatigue.

"Not really. But I'm not sitting with you to talk about me. What's going on with Maddie?"

 There it is again, Max thought. May's concerning amount of selflessness. He swallowed, lowering his gaze to the table.

"When I got to your house, I walked in on... Madison trying to cut herself with a razor..." 

The news seemed to hit May instantly, making her gasp in a way that sounded more like a sob, her face falling into her hands. Max's heart ached for her, having been in her place before. He stroked her back as she cried into her hands a moment. Finally, she pulled herself together and sat up and Max removed his hand. She rubbed her eyes as she spoke, her voice hoarse:

"I had a feeling she would go there. But I didn't want to believe it was that bad... You stopped her before she could, right?"

 He nodded. "She said she had kept trying but it wouldn't cut her. None of the razors would." 

May frowned. "They were all dull?" 

Max shook his head. He lowered his tone as if the next part were a secret: "It cut her pajamas, but not her. It seems someone was protecting her from her own self."

 May's eyes widened, then she looked heavenward and quietly thanked God. She returned her gaze to Max a moment later.

"Well, are you going to tell my parents?" 

He winced. "That's not really my place. So, I'm leaving that decision up to you." 

May sighed, obviously hoping to not have to make that decision. She looked away as she spoke:

"You have a sister, right?"

"Yeah."

"If it was your sister... Would you tell your parents?" She asked quietly.

"If I had parents like yours? Yeah. I would. But maybe talk to Madison first." 

May nodded. "Alright. I will," she paused, looking at him once more. "Thank you so much, Max. For going to her and taking care of her." 

He shook his head. "I only wish I could do more," he said earnestly. 

She kissed him briefly on the cheek, before standing and walking away.

***

Madison trudged to her front door. She opened it and made her way to her room, throwing her bag on the floor. She flopped onto the bed, face-first. She took a long sigh, letting all the stress of the day out through her breath. After a few minutes, a knock sounded on her door. Madison turned to lay on her side to see her dad standing in the doorway.

"Hey, darling. How are you holding up?" he asked softly.

 Madison looked away, instead looking at the bedsheet below her. "As expected... which isn't all that great," she replied quietly. 

He sighed, stepping inside. He came to the bed and sat at her feet. He tickled and brushed her feet softly, like he had done so often when she was a kid. Tears came to Madison's eyes at those memories. She groaned and hid her face in her pillow, wishing her dad would leave. He was making this harder.

"I'm sorry, baby. But I'm very proud of you. I know it's not easy. But you're doing your best. And that's all anyone could ever ask of you." Madison nodded, her face still in the pillow. "Why don't you sit up and talk to me a little bit about how you're feeling?" he suggested. 

Madison sighed and sat up, looking at him. His expression was painfully caring and loving. "I'm sorry, Dad. But right now, I just really want to be alone." 

His expression saddened even more, and it pricked her heart. "Well, then maybe you would prefer Mom—" Madison shook her head.

"No, Dad." 

He tilted his head, laying his hand on her knee. "I just want to help you, Maddie. I can't stand—" his voice broke and tears came to his eyes. 

Madison averted her gaze, not able to handle seeing the rock she leaned on, crack because of her. 

"I can't stand watching you hurt and not being able to do ANYTHING about it." He finished, his voice hoarse. 

 Madison felt a lump form in her throat. She raked her hand through her hair, still refusing to look at him.

"I know, Dad. But it's okay... I can take care of myself."

 He didn't react for a long moment, but slowly he nodded, standing. "Well, alright then... I'll leave you to it, I guess."

Madison watched him leave. She bit her lip, wishing she could scream for him to come back and just rock her the way her parents did when she was a baby. But that monster in her head screamed louder that she needed to grow up. Screamed that she was too weak. So, she let him walk away.

Author's Note

This chapter really broke my heart to write. One of the hardest parts of going through depression was seeing the way it affected my relationships and hurt the people I love as I isolated myself from them. I hope I am able to convey that damage well. 

I WAS going to do a double update today, but the next chapter is pretty difficult so I'd rather upload it on its own. 

This chapter is dedicated to 

Thank you so much for all the support and friendliness you have shown me!