SLIPPING (B.E.)

{nineteen}

billie

i ran my fingers slowly through gwen's hair, smiling softly at the adorable little snores she was letting out. we were both on our sides, gwen's head resting against my chest, and her stuffie wolfie squished between us.

i sighed contentedly and closed my eyes, moving my arm to rest over her waist and rubbing her back. my moment was ruined by my watch alarm telling me it was 6:30 by buzzing against my wrist; nice and quiet so that gwen wouldn't hear a thing.

i resisted groaning, just wanting to stay snuggled with my little one. but i had a phone call in an hour and i wanted to get ready and eat first. i hoped gwen would sleep until after i was done so i could devote all my attention to her.

i carefully untangled myself from gwen and made sure to tuck in the blankets around her so she wouldn't miss my warmth. she grunted softly but otherwise didn't stir.

i left the blinds shut so it would stay dark and took everything i needed into the bathroom, shutting the door behind me so no light would peek through.

i showered and did all my skin care. i only put on a little bit of makeup because i didn't think we would be going out anywhere important today.

after i got dressed, i sighed as i realized i had taken too much time and would either have to make my breakfast quietly in the background of the call or else wait to eat.

too hungry, i decided to just make a quick breakfast while i waited for my phone to ring. i cut up a bunch of different types of fruits and snacked happily until my phone rang.

it was a call with multiple people. it was going to be an in-person meeting but i had already left gwen home alone so many times this week that i had asked for it to be over the phone.

getting ready for tour was exhausting. 

i was excited, though. after a few months break i was going to europe for some festivals. i hadn't told gwen yet; it was still over a month away, but i was so excited to take her with me. i hoped she would be excited too.

after 45 minutes of talking and planning, i was finally able to hang up. i sighed with relief and glanced at the clock. it was still only 8:20, so i decided to make breakfast for gwen first and then wake her up.

i was mixing up some pancake batter when i heard a cry from my room. immediately i dropped the spoon and turned off the stove, then rushed back to my bedroom.

gwen was sitting up on the bed, hugging wolfie to her chest. as soon as she saw me, she threw him aside and made grabby hands for me, tears streaking down her face.

i realized she still hadn't come out of her deep headspace from the night before. i rushed forward and scooped her up, holding her close and bouncing her gently.

"shh, it's alright love, i'm right here," i soothed, taking her to her little room where her rocking chair and changing table were.

i waited for her to calm down while i rocked us slowly. i wasn't sure what had upset her because she couldn't really talk right now.

i sighed and carefully pried her fingers off my shirt when she started tugging on it again.

"ah ah, we can't do that right now," i tutted softly, taking her hand and kissing it. she whined and thrashed in my arms.

"shhh, there's no need to fuss, baby," i pet her head and stood up, laying her on the changing table.

she calmed down while i changed her. i dressed her in a hoodie and sweatpants today so that she wouldn't feel overstimulated later. 

she was back to her happy, albeit still little and sleepy, self by the time i was finished. because she was so little, i set the pancake batter aside for later and made her a bottle instead since it would be easier for her right now.

the moment she saw me pull the bottle out of the drawer, she reached for it, whining. i chuckled; she was so adorable.

"baby, there's nothing in it yet; see?" i let her take the bottle from me. she grabbed it excitedly but pouted at me when she realized there was nothing in it.

"let's get something in that tummy, hmm?" i set her on the counter but kept a very close eye on her while i grabbed milk and some spices. i had finally given in and bought regular milk when her littleself refused to drink any of the alternatives i offered.

gwen kept trying to take the bottle while i was getting it ready for her. she didn't want to wait for me to warm it up, but i took it from her because i didn't want her to get a mouthful of cinnamon since i hadn't mixed it yet.

while we waited for it to be finished in the microwave, i took her in my arms again and bounced her a little. she giggled at this, causing me to raise my eyebrows.

"oh, you like that?" i bounced her some more, and she laughed loudly.

"biwie!" she squealed, tucking her head into my neck. i chuckled at her cuteness, grabbing the bottle from the microwave.

i took her to the couch to feed her because it was easier. i multitasked feeding her while also texting finneas about the upcoming tour. i had intended to tell gwen about it today but if she didn't come out of her headspace i would wait.

even after she finished her bottle we stayed on the couch for a bit. i could tell she was starting to feel older, but i didn't think she was completely out yet.

i put my phone down and huffed, wrapping my arms around gwen and shifting into a laying position. she smiled and snuggled into my boobs, which i laughed at because she looked so cute.

"what?" she whined, pouting. i scrunched my nose at her and held her face in my hands, quietly admiring her pretty features.

her smile didn't last long, though. i was confused; what had happened in the past few minutes to make her sad?

"what's wrong, my love?" i cooed, rubbing my thumb over her cheek. i was further confused when she blushed and refused to meet my eyes.

"hm?" i pressed.

"'m just embarrassed," she admitted, mumbling into my chest. my brow furrowed.

"how come? embarrassed about what?"

her blush deepened. "when i was- you know, trying to get you to, um... breastfeed me," 

the last two words were hardly audible, but i was close so i caught them. before she could hide her face again, i sat up and pulled her onto my lap facing me.

"why are you embarrassed, love? it's normal for you to want that when you're so tiny, pretty girl. i only said no because we haven't talked about it before and i didn't want to do anything you would regret later," i assured her, but she still wouldn't meet my eyes.

i hummed and combed my fingers through her hair. "do you want to try?" i asked, focusing on my task instead of her face so that she would feel less embarrassed.

"yeah," she whispered, looking down at her hands. i smiled and lifted her chin to me.

"that's all i needed to know, lovey. don't be embarrassed, okay? there's nothing to be embarrassed about," i said softly but sternly.

gwen nodded. "thank you," she said quietly.

i scoffed lightly. "baby, you don't need to thank me. i'm just fulfilling my duty as your caregiver and girlfriend," 

it's been a year and a half since i saw billie and i miss her so bad.

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