A Sucker for Mania (let me explainia)

Chapter 4 Sucker for Mania (let me explainia)

Weird I don't know. I am a sucker. I don't know. Just saw my psych. Said I am manic. Huh? Imagine if he saw my writing? What do you guys think? That stuff is MANIC right? Those 2 chapters Brilliant right? I mean not everyone's gonna like my stuff. Cool. Whatever. Do I sound manic to you right now? I'm on this stupid subway I mean I don't...

I'm exhausted. Seriously physically beat. I... shit! This is not mania. It's brought on by the pot edibles. Lasts about hour and a half. Amazing right? Look at my word selection milketoast. I AM IN SLOW MOTION PERPETUALLY at least for now. I was sitting in this dingbat's office.

Great guy I love him. Professional skater as a teen. Athletically built guy I mean not imposing at all just fit ya know nice physique right? Younger than me maybe by 5 years. Hell I'm 48 now. It's funny when you get these psychs and therapists who are younger than you right? Like a doc who specializes in physical things right like who gives a fuck. They're not gonna read in the tea leaves of your kidneys and estimate or diagnose the condition of your condition I mean mind wise. They're only gonna give you health advice right and obviously diagnoses and surgical options. I mean it isn't like they don't care too. But they don't care about why they care about what.

Psychs right psychotherapy it's like WHY? You get to the Why & then Figure out that What. Right? I mean he's in St mark's place institute of mental health in the east village. Lived there 8 & 1/2 years. Amazing times. 2000-2009.

9/11 right? Fuck me. Kinda intense. Still is. Always will be. Let's not talk about the degradation and loss of life needlessly on that day cause when you think about it it's like it's happening all the time anyway to lesser or greater degrees. And in case our minds aren't fucked up enough...

"Don't you think I know that?!"

This woman sounded like a black person's voice. Maybe it was. Weird right? How do I know. I'm not looking at her. NY is filled with all creeds, at least as far as I know. I've only lived one other place and that's VA, the DC area. Weird.

I went home after 9/11 to get out of the devastation, shock and disenchantment and also let's admit it, excitement right? I mean I'm a storyteller. Fascinating event from an objective stand point. But that's the problem with storytelling every person has their own and if how many people were killed that day...? 2,000? 6,000? I can't remember but let's say you wanna tell thier story. You know how hard it is to encompass and cover that amount of storytelling? 6,000 people dying in inconceivable ways.

Flinging themselves out of the high towers of finance these pair of vertical sky kissing scrapers. Straight up into the air but it's two right? I guess one day they'll make buildings in triplets and quadruplets and make buildings every which way going in spirals and quadrangles and Newton will be reincarnated and maybe scrape a little DNA off a rib bone from Amadeus and we'll put them to the task of making beautiful buildings that don't defy gravity nor even surpass the melodious mania of Mozart but they will like conjure up something totally different.

Like maybe idk I'm thinking when you walk your own footsteps bounce off the walls like at the Guggenheim with all those paintings along the spiraling conch shell walls right? Like you hear music in your own steps. Like staccato, right? And what if you pause during a step, the music waits for you to continue the motion, your motion, your body, your soul singing like birds were built into the soles of your shoes. Like you had the soul of a bird in step with you, which is a funny thing to imagine, right? 'Cause birds aren't known for their walking. Ya ever see a bird walking like a dog on a leash? Even if it was well trained, maybe even a circus act it still wouldn't work.

Maybe the novelty of it, but what if you heard this guy doesn't let his bird fly, I mean maybe in the house he might say, right? But would Maya Angelo have known why the caged bird sings if she tried to change the bird to a different feather? Same concept, right?

Next stop is mine. Utica Ave. I'm in Brooklyn, Crown Heights. Eclectic mix Jews and African Americans. The Jews are orthodox or whatever that's how I can spot them. They wear ya know the garb. They seem to be in better homes. It's weird. We're all in the same nieigborhood yet I've looked up twice now from this phone and all I see are black people. Weird right? I mean why aren't the Jews taking public transportation? Cause they have cars dummy! I'm not generalizing. I'm Jewish anyway but wasn't raised as. Raised American as far as I know celebrated Christmas, Easter. Good times. Nobody said I was Jewish barely. Just look like a white guy. dad changed our name. Smuckler to sanders. That's all I know about my heritage. It's changed. I got 4 nose jobs. Used to have a Jewish nose. Like father like son. Hide one's true identity right? Working so far 'cause everything is grand.

But what kinda pisses me off: no Jews, heck no white person, only me in Kings county medical psyche unit two months ago 'cause of manic episode. WAs there 9 days. No biggie. I bounce back fast. Back on Lithium - that kinda shit. Anyway like everybody was black and one Korean guy and there were like 30-35 of us, a continual rotating cast in mental wards but some surprisingly had been there for a month or two. Scary. I don't want to be trapped in a psych hospital for a fucking month.

I've been on Social Security Disability for going on 12 years now, from 36-48 yrs old. Amazing. Been in a dozen hospitals but like I said I bounce back fast. But this just pisses me off. So either the Jews in my neighborhood never go crazy or they must have like private insurance right?

Idk like I said to my psych I'm playing with house money. I really don't need to keep writing. But there's nothing else to do. I now have a screenplay "A Little Sedated" (20 years to finish, seriously I'll go into it later.) But in last 6 months since I got off the Lithium I've finished the third act of a play, "Nose Joboholics," that literally sat dormant without any good material to finish the fucking thing for nine fucking years? 9 years of brilliance but a story 2/3rds of the way finished?!! Can't do anything with a story halfway done.

All you can do is show it to people whenever anyone ever asks anymore but really after a certain age people stop caring. I'm wasted potential. 4 nose jobs? Seriously my nose looks weird. It's like all the scar tissue has made it asymmetric and bloated. Actually I look very handsome in some light still and in other light I look like Nicolas Cage with a bloated nose. Cage isn't that attractive (excellent actor, right?). But people used to tell me I looked like him I got offended. It's like damn Avatar. That's my nose. Blue fucking aliens out of a James Cameron fever dream have my nose.

Ya see what I'm saying. Ugly. Look at their pictures. Big, wide noses which offends me even though it has nothing to do with nationality or culture 'cause I gotta eat this. I wasn't born this way. You can call it body dysmorphia and they do, but still to walk around and seeing nobody's nose as big as yours, and watch a stupid 3 hour saga with ginormous aliens with otherwise beautiful physiques and all the wonders of CGI and you are telling me they have my nose? Pisses me off to high heaven 'cause no aliens look good, right?

I mean maybe there's some exceptions but you can't outdo god's design on the human form. It's really noticeable when you do. I mean sure of course subtle changes of course but hey, it's fiction, so let's give Vulcan's long pointy ears and let's make Chewbacca big brown furry whatever he is. I mean maybe "Chewie" looks cute but that's 'cause he looks like a slimmed down tall bear and he never says anything offensive 'cause he fucking growls. Yoda is ugly. Whatever you get my point.

But seriously does any of this sound manic to you? I don't think so and if I do include this in the novella cause there is no way I am writing more than 100 pages of this crap it's only by contrast. Frankly this has been a dry read right?

Peace

Joey