Emotional Detachment

To breathe again

Big closed the door behind him.

"If you are clinging to Kim because you believe he understands you, that he'll save you, you'll only get hurt in the end. He can't save you, won't save you"

He let out a scoff, but there was an uneasiness brewing in his stomach. It made his hands shake, and the familiar tingling returned to his fingertips. Fear washed over him, all blood leaving his face.

He fell against the door, sliding down as he had done so many times before.

A part of him knew Porsche might be right. Kim wouldn't be able to save him, but he can't save himself either.

So what if he clung to Kim? So what, as long as it keeps him alive?

At least he's still alive...

Rain poured from the dark sky, and Kim watched from inside his apartment as the rain fell over the city.

Despite the rain being noisy, it was a consistent noise, calming his racing thoughts. The notebook lay open in front of him, but he hadn't written in a while, just staring at the downpour, hoping his past would wash away with it.

"To express anything negative would be considered wrong... It's emotionally abusive, but some parents still raise their children this way, and withhold or deny their children any comfort, nurturing or validation..."

"You knew something was wrong, didn't you?" Park calmly asked, and Kim was quiet for a moment, but then in a small whisper

"Yes," he answered.

"Back when you were younger, you knew that this neglectance you experienced was dysfunctional?" A shaky breath escaped Kim

"Yeah,"

When Park had first asked him that, he thought about Kinn, who clearly had depression, and was never good enough for their father, always trying to be a good son, following his father's commands.

He thought about how their father tried to make Kinn the son he wanted, softly manipulating and grooming him. Not too much, but just enough.

They might not see it, because, to them, their father was kind. He let Porsche live there as Kinn's boyfriend, he let Tankhun live how he wanted, and he let Kim move out.

In their eyes, Korn wasn't like his brother, who physically abused Vegas besides emotionally abusing him.

Their father did it in a way that they wouldn't notice, but Kim did. Kim saw the carefully laid out plan. How he had Porsche become the head of the minor family to avoid Vegas coming and seeking revenge. He did it for peace. But what about Porsche's family? Porsche and Porchay's mother?

He glanced at the open notebook. There was something in his heart that wanted to get out. Words that wanted to be written, feelings that wanted to be understood, but Kim didn't know what feelings they were. Couldn't recognize them.

He was numb, staring at his feelings trapped underneath the ocean, deafened by the water, while he was on the surface.

He closed his eyes, trying to forget the part of himself that had locked away his feelings.

Facing them was too hard. Breaking the barrier between them and feeling them fully, was too hard, too exhausting.

He let out a sigh

"What's the point of opening up?" he muttered.

"To breathe again" A voice responded, and Kim turned to see Big, who gave a bow in greeting. There were a few raindrops in his hair and on his shoulders

"When did you get here?"

"Just now, sir"

Kim looked away again. How did he not hear Big come in?

"Why are you here?"

"Porsche is gaining more interest in you as time goes by Sir"

"So?"

"He's asking about what happened when you left the mansion"

"So?" Kim repeated,

"You don't care, sir?"

Kim let out a sigh, "Well if Kinn is brave enough to tell him, why should I care? It'll only do me a favor, won't it?"

Big hesitantly nodded "That's true" he muttered

"Is that all?"

"If there's nothing else you need, sir"

Kim tapped the couch's arm slowly

"Are you still playing spy for my brothers?"

"No, sir"

"Are you going to tell Porsche or Porchay anything?"

"No, sir"

"Then, there's nothing else, go back to what you're usually doing and report back to me if something interesting is happening" Big nodded, and started to walk away

"Actually" and Big turned back to him

"Can you breathe?"

"Sir?"

"You said the point of opening up is to breathe again, so" Kim turned to him with those cold and bored eyes

"Can you breathe?"

At that moment, he couldn't. Not with Kim's eyes piercing into his soul ready to catch him as soon as he lies.

"Of course, sir" he still tried

"Really?"

"Yes, sir" he replied a beat too late and he stopped breathing for a moment as Kim's eyes slightly changed from bored to disappointed.

He was caught. He turned his gaze to the floor, only to hear Kim get up from the couch, his footsteps echoing in the silent apartment, the rain outside becoming white noise.

Kim was so close he could feel his breath on his face, so close he could smell him, a scent he knew he would become addicted to if he did not hold his breath. He wanted to wrap his arm around Kim, bury his face in his neck, and breathe him in, because surely then, he would feel okay. Surely then, he would feel at peace from all the grief.

"Kim can't save you, won't save you"

Screw what Porsche said. So what if it was a trick? He didn't care if it was a trick, he wanted to be fooled.

Oh, for just a moment longer, let him be fooled and believe the cold and broken man in front of him could save him, for he couldn't save himself.

"Are you sure you can breathe?"

Big took a deep breath, looking at Kim whose eyes would be hypnotizing were it not for the cold gaze in them.

"Yes, sir" he replied in a small voice because Kim helped him breathe when he wasn't a few inches away from him, with eyes that could make the devil himself kneel before him.

It was obvious Kim didn't believe him, but he didn't say anything, only turned away and sat back down on the couch, staring at the rain again.

"Well what good would a drowning bodyguard be anyway?" he muttered, still facing the rain, and Big understood it was his queue to leave.

"Then, I'm leaving sir" bowing slightly before leaving the apartment