Emotional Detachment

Must feel like the whole world hates you

"Must feel like the whole world hates you"

It was right after he had been assigned Kim again after being released from the hospital.

"Your close friend turns out to be the traitor, Kinn, and Porsche are dating, and Porsche becomes the head of the minor family"

"I'm assigning you to Kim again" Korn had informed him as soon as he was back at the mansion. Big wasn't surprised at all, after all, he wasn't fit to take care of Kinn.

"You've been a good bodyguard throughout the years, and I don't doubt your loyalty to the main family"

"That Ken was the traitor, it's not your fault for not knowing" Korn reassured him, but still Big kept the guilt in his heart.

"Due to your injuries, you're not going out on any jobs until you are fully healed, body and mind"

"Yes, sir" Big bowed again.

"You've suffered great injuries for us these past months, and it must have been straining too, so while you're still healing, your only job is to be of assistance to Kim"

He's the one taking care of Kim. He's grieving, he's hurting. He's fading into a depression.

What Kim said, be it intentionally or not, helped.

"Assigned to Kim again?"

"Maybe if you shot first instead of jumping into the fire, you would still be Kinn's bodyguard"

"Maybe if you didn't think irrationally" they meant. They, being the other bodyguards. Big didn't say anything back. What was the point?

They could think what they wanted, and talk all they wanted, but they weren't there, they didn't understand why he did what he did.

Why he jumped in front of Porsche.

"Big, come on, you need to focus!" Chan yelled at him, but he was dying. The training was nothing short of torture and Big didn't understand how it was supposed to help him get better.

Every night, he'd return to his room, sliding down the closed door, falling apart.

Every night, he'd return to an empty and silent apartment, with no one who understood him, no one who knew him.

His throat closed up, and he'd put his hand over his face to muffle his sobbing. It's not his fault, he's an emotional person. It's not his fault he's honest.

That he couldn't hide his emotions, hide who he was.

So when Kim said "It must feel like the world hates you" he didn't hate it, because even though Kim said it as a taunt, someone noticed what he was feeling, someone knew what he was dealing with.

Someone saw his pain, and for a moment, he wasn't alone anymore.

Big didn't respond though, ashamed that his only place of validation, and sympathy, was Kim. That the only person who saw his pain was Kim.

When Big replied "Must feel like the whole world hates you" that's what he remembered. The first person who saw him.

"I'm tired of this sappy lovey-dovey shit!" Tankhun suddenly exclaimed in a whine, dramatically throwing his arms up, as the silence turned uncomfortable.