Emotional Detachment

Why don't you stay?

"I want to help"

"I want to be of use"

It was quiet for a moment.

"Is that all?" Chan asked.

"Because you want to prove your worth?" Big looked down at his hands placed in his lap.

"I just want to help. I'm useless. I do nothing. I can't train, I can't fight I can't-"

"I can't do anything"

"Because you're not getting better Big"

"You're not getting better because you're not taking care of yourself"

"You work and work, but you don't eat or sleep enough. You don't let yourself heal or rest"

"I've rested enough already"

"You haven't healed though, have you?"

"From what? My arm is fine"

"You still blame yourself don't you?" Chan let out a sigh

"Ken wasn't your fault"

"I know that already"

"But it doesn't change anything for me"

"If I hadn't been so blind, maybe I could've figured it out before it was too late. If only I had been more cynical like Kinn and Kim-"

"If only I were stronger, I'd be a better bodyguard"

"I realize I've gone about this wrong" Chan admitted.

"It takes time to heal, to learn to live with what happened. Months, a year, maybe more. We can't expect- and we don't- for you to be fine, but you want to be fine already, you want the pressure, but you're collapsing under it because your mind can't keep up"

"I can't let you ruin yourself. You need to get out of this hole you've dug yourself into"

"You keep sitting in this blame and guilt, and I understand, but you have to move on. You have to forgive yourself for what happened, and I know it's hard for you, but that's the only thing that can help you move forward"

"But you just said that it can take a year or more"

"Does that mean I can't train or work at all?"

"You'll still train, but we are keeping a closer eye on you mentally and emotionally. It's our fault for not giving you more support"

"We'll continue the 1 on 1 training, but you have to promise you won't overwork yourself"

It was quiet.

"I need some time to think about it"

"Of course"

Though Chan's words helped Big understand part of the problem, and let him know that they cared, he still lacked something. He wanted Big to take his time, but still move on. How did that make sense?

He thought he had made peace with it, hadn't he?

Big went to Kim's apartment to drive Dr. Park back to his office. Kim asked him to return to the apartment afterward.

"How did the check-up go?"

"Fine, sir"

"What did Chan say?"

"We'll continue with the 1 on 1 training, but they'll keep a closer eye on me"