Emotional Detachment

Before I break apart: 6th session

"I'll burn it to the ground"

It was mostly in retaliation to Big's comfort, a try to reject it and distance himself from Big, but he meant it. If the world hated him, it would be easier to burn it down than to make it love him.

"I'll help you"

Kim's eyes turned to him, once again staring into his soul, threatening him to spill his secrets then and there, because why would he help burn down the world?

"You need to leave" was all Kim replied. He needed to go. He needed to stop getting close to Kim. He couldn't let him get closer, to understand him more. To know him and see him broken again.

"Not until you're okay"

"You're drunk. Go home"

"It was Porchay right?"

"I said leave!" he growled, and in a second, Big was on the ground, Kim towering over him, his fingers digging into his throat again.

"I warned you not to cross the line" his voice was low and threatening.

"How do you expect to be accepted back in when you can't follow orders? When you can't follow orders?!"

Big didn't say anything, couldn't say anything as Kim kept the grip on his neck. He put a hand on Kim's wrist but didn't pull at it, didn't fight it, letting Kim keep his grip on him, even if it hurt, and he had trouble breathing.

He knew Kim needed a release and to break more things than what was already broken, and if that was all he could be, all he could do to help Kim, so be it.

"I don't care how your dynamic was with my brother! When I tell you to leave, you leave!" he growled again, tightening his grip around his neck, causing Big to let out a loud gasp, tears welling up in his eyes.

"Please" Big croaked out, but Kim ignored it.

"You're just a bodyguard and I'm not my brother!"

"Please" he repeated, tightening his grip around Kim's wrist, hoping he would loosen his hand around his neck.

"I'm not my brother" Kim only responded.

Gasping for air, and eyes pleading with Kim to let go, Big slowly raised his free hand to Kim's face, tugging a messy lock of hair behind his ear, still pulling at Kim's wrist with his other hand.

The tears in his eyes blurred his vision, but he could have sworn Kim's gaze softened.

"I'm" Big croaked out, gasping for air again

"I'm yours" he continued, and either he was finally passing out, or Kim's grip finally loosened a bit.

He took in as much air as he could.

"I am just a bodyguard, but I'm yours" his voice was raspy and shaky, but he got the words out.

"I'm supposed to take care of you"

It was quiet for a moment as Kim stared down at Big in silence.

"Leave" Before I unravel even further.

Then he removed his hand, and got up, turning his back to Big who gasped and coughed on the floor, supporting himself with one arm.

There was nothing Big could say to make Kim accept his offer then and there. Kim didn't want him, didn't want his help, even if he needed it. Even if he should, to escape for just a moment.

"Sir, please, let me-"

"-Go home Big" and Big, despite wanting to stay, knew it was better to leave. Nothing good would happen if he stayed. Kim would only resent him.