Emotional Detachment

I'm tired of talking

"I am your bodyguard" he spoke, trying to stop his voice from shaking "My body belongs to you"

Kim turned around again.

"So you are," He muttered to himself.

"So you are" because Big was still a coward, still ashamed of himself, still doubting himself. He's still broken.

Big took his blazer off again, putting his shirt back on while Kim kept his back turned, not wanting to see the scars again which had already burned themselves into his brain.

"If you're done getting dressed, leave"

"Yes sir" a quiet reply sounded. Kim didn't turn around until the door fell shut. He let out a deep exhale, going over the day in his head.

What happened with Kinn, and what they talked about. The notebooks he threw. Big's cowardly persona he couldn't fix, and Porsche's obsessive concern.

Porsche was right about Big's heart. If only Kim could make Big trust Porsche instead. If only he could make Big distance himself from Kim...

Yet he couldn't let him trust Porsche too much, or else, wouldn't he betray him? He couldn't let Porsche get too close. Not yet. He couldn't let his brothers get too close.

He went to the notebooks and gathered them in a pile. A deep breath escaped him as he looked upon them. He didn't want to go through them, but he had to. He had to face the past.

Big stared at the pool in front of him in his suit pants. The shirt and blazer were left in the locker-room.

It was night and no one else was there, yet he was scared of being caught.

He still wasn't part of the monthly evaluation, meaning, he was out of shape when it came to swimming in general and being able to free himself from captivity.

If Chan caught him now, he would definitely... he would definitely take him off the training completely.

The sound of the water flowing and running through the water system was inviting, and comforting. It beckoned him to drown out everything in his head.

He wanted to drown everything out. The pain, the anxiety. Whatever kept him from getting better.

"A drowning bodyguard wouldn't do any good"

He closed his eyes and let himself fall into the water below, letting it embrace his tired and broken body.

For as long as his lungs let him, he let his body float lifeless around face down into the water's depth.

For a moment he wanted to not exist. To not breathe, to forget he was a human alive and breathing, pretending he had died all those months ago. He just wanted to be at peace.

As his body came to reach the surface, his face feeling the lack of water around it, he took in a deep breath, keeping his eyes closed.

The only sound was the water and his heartbeat.

"Don't say I'm broken when you're no better yourself". He could still feel Kim's hands unbuttoning his shirt, how they slid the shirt off his arms. The eyes which had threatened to tear himself and Big to shreds.

He opened his eyes, looking up at the pool's reflection on the ceiling, listening to the water around him.

Kim was falling apart. That much was true and Kim could not hide from Big no matter how hard he tried to avoid or gaslight.