A Cup of Fate

9th Phase: Lost in Solitude

9th Phase: Lost in Solitude

I sit on the claret sofa in the dressing room of the boys with my legs folded towards my body, crossing each other at the ankle and my spine lays comfortably on the cushioned back of the couch. I am on the verge of watching an episode of How I Met Your Mother online when the video clip comes into a pixelated pause.

"What?! No!" A reckless cry escapes from my dried pale lips. I hysterically slide back the toggle at the beginning of the clip but it makes the video worse. It only shows a blank picture of Cimmerian shade. "No!" I bellow in great distress causing all eyes avert to me. Great. Now, I have nothing to do. I shake my head in anguish. Ignoring the awkward glares, I put my iPad back in my bag. I hastily bolt up from my seat and amble towards the door. 

“Maggie, where are you going?” I glance over my shoulder at the sound of my name. 

“Out. I'm gonna find some wifi around here. I need to finish that episode. Barney's going to propose, Lou! He's proposing!” I bemoan in incredulity.  I abruptly leave the room going round and about the enormous studio. I saunter around the place without caring where I'm heading, going through different hallways and turning to every corner, desperately searching for that wifi connection. As I shift my stare from the screen of my iPad to the direction I am heading to, I realize I am lost.

The dappled ground and walls are unfamiliar. As my feet continue to falter with the ashen carpet thickened with a decade's dust, I catch a sight of a door left ajar. I slowly amble my way towards the door as curiosity occupies my thoughts. I feel the cold elongated metal knob and push through the door making the gap wider for me to come in. I take a step inside. Darkness consumes me as I did. My eyes relish a second to adjust with thecaliginous surrounding, with the effulgence that peers through the gap of the open door as the only gleam that illuminates the place. I take another step forward, lifting my right foot and placing it flat on the floor. Unfortunately, my foot does not find a surface but rather an empty space, leading me to stumble to my feet as my butt lands firmly on the cold hard ground. My entire body groans in pain but I sit silent. 

It feels like I can't make myself speak or mumble a simple word. The constricted silence that envelops me makes me feel mute. I slowly pick myself up as my bottom aches more whenever I moves an inch. I would normally bemoan in pang but as I try, only a voiceless wisp of air comes out of my mouth. As I brush off myself from the previous fall, my eyes have just apprehended that I am inside a studio set, where shows are aired or filmed. The stage and the folding seats gave it away. I smooth along my finger through the arm rests of the seats, the dust clamping together on my fingertips, whilst I am walking down an aisle of steps. The entire place is so ihibited I can hear my own heart beating. With every lub, and every dub, the deafening silence is gradually whelming me alive as it echoes between the soundproof walls- but I will willingly give in to this pitch-black hole called home. 

For me, I always need that silence from time to time. After a day full of laughter and fun, I will always end up going home to my own thoughts, leaving everything behind. At the end of the day, I'll  be lying on my bed with no one as a companion, wanting to be alone. Being in solitary is not a bad thing. It is a prerequisite to every living creature. Being by myself helps me to reflect and go back to the day that has just passed. I would always talk to myself and ask, did I live my life well today? I just sometimes let myself fall back home into the hell hole called silence. 

Solitude gives me that privilege to think. It soothes my mind from a day of full-on work and stress. It gives me that certain peace of mind I need. It helps me regain that energy I have from the start of my day through the calmness it brings. It is what keeps me cognizant. As I stand there in the middle of aisle, between the empty leather seats and encompassed walls, I feel alive. I feel my lungs expanding and contracting as I take in deep breaths. As I inhale, I took in all of the things I would be needing in the future; the life lessons, the mistakes, the pains, the tears, the smiles, the mirth, the despairs- to store them all on my little box of memories. And as my lungs contracts, exhaling out the things I won't be needing like my insecurities, my lack of hope, my pessimism, my imprisoned dreams- I become freer. I become peaceful. I become me.