Heathers AU (SASI)

ACT 1

Scene 2

It's a new day. Virgil was sitting in the corner of the lunch hall (again) writing in his diary. The heathers are at the other end of the hall "Dear Diary: It’s been 3 weeks since I became friends with the Heathers." Virgil laughs happily "Actually, friends isn’t the right word. It’s more like the Heathers are people I work with. And our job is being popular and shit."  The school bell rings and patton rushes over to Virgil happily "Hey, Virgil". Virgil closes his diary and smiles "sup". Patton smiles more and speaks in aww "You really do look beautiful these days.". Virgil nods "Aw, thank you. But it’s still the same me underneath.". Patton made a look of 'you sure' so Virgil quickly said "Oh, look I’m­ I’m really sorry that I flaked on you last week. I’ve just­ I’ve had a lot going on.". Patton quickly reassured him while trying not to be sad "I get that. You’re with the Heathers now. That’s exciting". Virgil rolls his eyes "It’s whatever, but we’ll hang out soon, I promise.". Suddenly Emile yells from the heather table "Virgil! Roman says to haul ass to the table pronto!" Patton waves goodbye and leaves as Virgil walks over to the heathers table. 

Roman turns to Virgil and speaks with sass "Virgil. I need a forgery in Remus Sweeney’s handwriting. You’ll need something to write on. … Emile, bend over." Emile bends over so Virgil places his notepad and begins to write what Roman says "Hello, beautiful. I’ve been watching you and thinking about us in the old days. I hope you can come to my homecoming party this weekend. Miss you, Remus. Oh, put an “xo” after the
signature." As Virgil finished he asked "What’s this for anyway?". Roman smirked and said "I just found out that Remus used to hang with Patton Dumptruck.". Virgil raises an eyebrow at that "Well, yeah, in kindergarten. We all did.".  Emile stood up as he said "We all didn’t kiss on the kickball field.". Logan straightened his tie "Oh, that’s right, I remember. Remus kissed Patton Dumptruck. It was disgusting"  Roman takes the note as Remus and Remy enter chatting to each other. "It would be so righteous to be in the middle of a Logan, Virgil ­sandwich".       "Hell, yeah. Punch it in.". Both Remus and Remy fistbump before walking over to the heathers and Virgil.  "Remus, Be a sweetie and give this note to Patton Dumptruck for me." Roman asks in a flirtatious voice. Remus talks the note and walks off as Virgil protests. He walks away and starts unfolding it. "Oh, don’t read it! She’s having an extra heavy flow and wanted some advice from my gyno."  Roman said so Remus quickly hands it back to Virgil in disgust. "Please don’t do this, okay? Not to Patton" Virgil begged "Pattom has had a thing for Remus for like 12 years now, okay? This­ this would kill him". Roman raises an eyebrow and starts singing. 

"Are we gonna have a problem?
You got a bone to pick?
You've come so far
Why now are you pulling on my dick?
I'd normally slap your face off
And everyone here could watch
But I'm feeling nice
Here's some advice
Listen up, biotch!" 

The heathers surrounded Virgil. 

"I like!"

"Lookin' hot
Buying stuff they cannot"

"I like!"

"Drinkin' hard
Maxin' Dad's credit card"

"I like!"

"Skippin' gym
Scaring her
Screwing him"

"I like!

"Killer clothes"

"Kickin' nerds in the nose!" 

The heathers back Virgil into a corner 

"If you lack the balls
You can go play dolls
Let your mommy fix you a snack
Or you could come smoke
Pound some rum and coke
In my Porsche with the quarterback"