Heathers AU (SASI)

ACT 1

Scene 7 

Janus and Virgil climb into Roman's kitchen and look around for Roman. "Roman?" Virgil calls out. Janus shrugs and starts rumerging through the cupboards "maybe he isn't here." but Virgil quickly cuts that thought off "trust me, he skips the Saturday morning trip to grandma's even when he's sober.  he's here. ROMAN!". A drowsily voice that belongs to Roman could be heard from upstairs "…what?". Virgil takes a deep break "It’s Virgil, I’m here to apologize." Roman calls down again "Hope you brought kneepads, bitch! Fix me a Prairie Oyster and I’ll think about it.".   Virgil turns to Janus confused "Prairie Oyster? What is in that? Raw eggs, vinegar…" Janys sighs and lists the rest of the ingredients "Hot sauce, Worchester, salt, and pepper.". Virgil was impressed "You know your hangover cures". Janus just shrugs ahd said "My dad trained me well."  Virgil grabes all the ingredents and puts them in a cup. Before laughing "Look, look, look, look, look. Here’s my revenge. I’m gonna put a flemglobber in his Prairie Oyster and he’ll never know. Ready?".  As Virgil struggles to come up with enough spit, Janus pulls a bottle of drain cleaner from beneath the cabinet.. "I’m more of a no-­rust–­build-up man myself." Virgil rolls his eyes "Oh, okay. Don’t be a dick. That stuff would kill him"  Janus shrugs "Thus, ending her hangover!" He then proceeds to pour the drain cleaner into a glass and holds it up to the light before saying "I say, we go with big blue."  Virgil glares at him "You can’t just go­ uh. Besides, he would never drink something that looks like that." Janus nods abd quickly grabs  mug, pouring the drain cleaner into it "Right... We use a mug. That way, he’ll have no idea what he’s drinking." Virgil hesitates so Janus acts like a chicken. "No, you’re not funny"  Janus, realizing the joke has gone too far, sets down the mug on the counter as he says "Okay. I’m sorry." before kissing Virgil. Just then Roman calls down again "Prairie Oyster! Chop, chop!" Virgil, not breaking away from the kiss, grabs the wrong mug before walking toward Roman. Janus doesn't stop him. 

Virgil and Janus enter Roman's badroom and approach Roman who is sat on the edge of his bed. Roman was only wearing a red slik dressing gown and red boxers. "Good morning, Roman". Virgil says. Roman looks at him then at Janus "Aw, Virgil… and Jesse James, quelle surprise. Well, let’s get to it. Beg." Roman stands up as he says this.  Virgil nods and says "Okay, um. I think that last night we both said a lot things that weI’d.." Roman cuts him off while grabing the mug " actually prefer if you did this on your knees. In front of your boy toy here." Virgil stays where he is which causes Roman to laugh "Do I look like I’m kidding? Down." Virgil kneels begrudgingly. "Nice. But you’re still dead to me." Roman said laughing before drinking what's in the mug. He suddenly starts chocking and gagginf. Virgil rushea over.  "Corn… nuts!" Roman yells as he  staggers and collapses onto the ground. 

"Holy shit!" Virgil yells, horrified as he looks at the mug "Oh my God. Oh my God! Don’t just stand there, call 911!" Janus bends down and checks for Roman's pluse but finds nothing "It’s a little late for that."  Virgil starts panicing. He had just killed someone "Oh my God. Oh my God, I just killed my best friend!". But Janus wasn't reacting at all. "And your worst enemy." Virgil turns to look at him full of panic "Same difference! I mean­ the police are gonna think that I did this on purpose. Oh my God, they’re gonna have to send my SAT scores to San Quentin."  Janus shrugs while thinking "Unless… Oh, look, she was reading “The Bell Jar”. " he picks up the book and hands it to Virgil.  "You can fake her handwriting." He hands virgil a pen before continuing"  Just make it sound deep. Like this: I had pain in my path, Like Silvia Plath, My problems were myriad" Virgil quickly cuts in "i was having my period." Virgil laughs at his own joke for longer than necessary before realizing the dead body on the floor and screaming. "Oh my God!". Janus stares at him "You think this is funny? You could go to jail! Get your head on straight, now!" Virgil takes a deep breath and thinks "Okay, okay, okay, okay, okay. Roman would never use the word myriad because he missed it on his vocab quiz last week." Janus raises an eye brow "So, it’s a badge for her failures at school. Work with me." Virgil nods " Okay, okay. Um. Where do I start?" Janus kneels next to him. "Think. Long and hard. What would she say? What’s her­ her final statement to a cold, uncaring planet?"  Virgil quickly starts writing.