Nothing to You (a switz fanfic)

~9~

Cameron would never use the word spiral. But as he looked around at the uber bags and Whiskey bottles he felt ashamed. It'd been two weeks and he'd ignored the whole groups calls, canceled every stream and smoked more cigarettes than he had his whole life. Still, he felt empty, less than empty, he felt dead already. His phone buzzed again from the charger on the tv stand. He could've sworn it'd just done that a minute ago. Swaying and groaning he got up from the couch, he knew it was a  mistake, but he answered the call. Eric's worried voice started from the other side, " Cam!.. hey.." He felt a rush of guilt and sadness. "hey.." He let the silence hang. "I um...I haven't heard from you in a while.. Ho.. How have you been." He almost chuckled but knew it would be cruel. "I've been good.. playing alot of red dead..."He could almost hear Eric nod defeatedly, " Well you should um.. come by sometime.. everyone would love to see you." Cameron sighs, picking at the skin on his finger. "I'd like to Eric.. you know I can't." Almost another nod in the pause. "Ok.. can i.. could I come over?" Cameron considers silently, looking around the filthy small apartment. Of course he knew the shorter wouldn't mind and he'd seen things much worse, that didn't immediately convince him. "Just give me a few hours.." He hung up the phone before he could get a response. Brushing his hands through his hair, he sighed heavily. Picking up the first of many bottles.

***

The apartment looked as good as it could. (Trashy.)  He sat on the couch and waited. Two hours passed before the knock on the door finally woke Cam from his nap. He snapped his eyes open and jumped up from the couch. Eric stood there awkwardly. As he often did, Cam left the door ajar and returned to the couch, without a word. Eric hesitated before following inside, he sat down next to the taller as he did. Silence spread for a bit too long. "I've been trying to call..." Cam nodded, alarmingly aware. "I've been busy..." Eric shot a glance Cam refused to meet. "Busy being drunk?" He hung his head and chuckeld, "yes, busy being drunk.." Eric sat in silence for a moment before sighing. "I wanted to come over sooner.. I wish you hadn't shut me out." The taller shook his head, "it just isn't that simple.." He could feel the other staring through him but kept his eyes glued to the floor. He knew Eric was waiting for him to say something but he didnt feel he had the strength to add anything. There was a moment of silence and he almost felt comforted by the shorter's presence. "I don't know if I can admit to myself the way I feel about you.." He looked to Eric who opened his mouth to speak but Cam cut him off. "I spent so long convincing myself that you were just my best friend.. and all the comfort and peace I found in you was because of that friendship.." He sighed, "But when we.. when you kissed me.. I knew it was more. And for that split second I thought you'd been feeling what I had.. and we could finally do something about it.." Eric reached his hand out to Cameron's thigh, resting it there before Cam pushed it away and scooted further from him on the couch. "But it all came crashing down as fast as you built it when you pushed me away from you.. when you hit me.. it felt like.. me hitting myself for being stupid enough to believe that this could ever work.. and everything you said just confirmed it. I dont know how-" Eric cut him off scooting closer to him again. "Cam.. I'm so sorry about that night. Everything you just told me is exactly how I felt but you don't understand.." He hung his head and looked away, "the place I grew up in... the.. father.. I grew up with knew what I was before I did.. and he didn't approve, I know because he spent the whole time we were together beating and berating into me how wrong I was.. And noone tried to stop him.. including me." Cam watched a tear drop fall from his covered cheek to his pant leg, darkening the spot. "Thats.." he sniffled and rubbed his face. "that's why I've been in therapy.. after I hurt you that night I realized I was carrying everything my dad taught me.. Living by his words even when I didn't want to. Even when I knew how I felt about you.. how I still do.." he finished near a whisper, catching Cam's gaze. Cameron swallowed, his cheeks reddening. "I am so sorry I hurt you Cameron. I wanted exactly what you did that night." Cam nodded, surprised by the warm sensation of tears flowing over his cheek. He wiped it away, placing a hand on Eric's thigh, who grabbed it tightly. "I.. I think I love you.." Cam said quickly looking away to avoid the repercussions of what he'd said. He heard Eric shuffle and felt his warmth at his side. The shorter inches away, he took Cams face gently and forced him to meet his eye. "I love you too Cam, I always have" The pain of every remark and encounter bubbled up in Cam's stomach and then just as quickly subsided. He slipped his hand up to Eric's face, taking his ear between two fingers, and kissed his lips softly. They tasted better than they had before, on the couch at the misfits house. And while Eric's hand slipped away from his cheek, his moved further back into his dark curls at the back of his neck. Desperate to meld the two together in this moment forever. He moved his other hand up to Eric's neck holding gently at his chest. He felt his small, warm hand at his crotch and suddenly returned to earth, to his apartment, his couch. "Fuck.. sorry.." He pulled away from Eric and noticed the blood pouring from his lip, who wiped it quickly holding the wound. "I bit you.. fuck im so sorry.." Eric waved him away with his other hand. "Don't worry about it.." he laughed quietly. "No really I- I didn't mean to.. you just surprised me.. let me get you something" He got up and went to the kitchen, running a hand through his hair and sighing before getting a paper towel and returning quickly to the couch. "it's really ok Cam.." Eric said a bit mumbled as the taller wiped at his lip, the other hand holding his chin. 'even with a bleeding lip he's the cutest person I've ever seen' "I don't know if I'm ready for that.. I really thought you hated me since that night" Cam mumbled as he watched Eric's chocolate brown eyes scan every feature of his face. He nodded, "I'm sorry I was so cruel." Cam hummed, taking the paper towel away and pecking the wound quickly. "I just need time, that's all." He laid back into the couch, propping his legs on the coffee table arms stretched on the back of it. Eric mimicked him, curling into Cam's side, sighing. "So now what.." Cam shrugged, looking at the ceiling, "Idk.. I've never dated my best friend before.. let alone a guy." Eric nodded, trying to prop his legs on the table but missing because of the length. He rests his legs over the taller's, Cam in turn wrapping his arm around him and squeezing gently. "I'm pretty hungry.." Cam looked down at him with a half smile. "Is ramen still your favorite?" The shorter smiled back, nodding again. "Mine too" Cam agreed, taking his phone from his pocket and opening uber eats.