Frank;
Gerard and I's relationship has honestly been a lot better these past few days. Ever since he opened up to me about what has been on his mind, what's been effecting his mood, what's been making him so distant, it's felt so much easier to be with him. The entire time he was hiding the guilt of what Patrick tried to do, I was beginning to find it difficult to be around him, talk to him. Half his day was spent crying, the other half was spent avoiding everyone and everything as much as possible. I'm an understanding person, but it was nearing unbearable and untolerable and I was just so desperate to try to help. I'm thankful he opened up. I really am.
Right now we're at my house, laying on my bed, sharing stories from our childhoods. It's his turn, he's telling me a story about Mikey's sixth birthday.
"We were all singing Happy Birthday to him, I swear his smile was bigger than the universe, he looked so happy. He always was a happy kid, I don't know what happened... Anyways, after we got done, he blew his candles out, then I pushed his face into the cake. I kind of forgot that the candles were still in it and one hit him in the eye. He started crying, and even though he knew I was the one who did it, he wanted me to help him calm down instead of Mom or Dad." It wasn't that much of a funny story like the others we've been telling, but it was sweet. I can't see Mikey doing that now, he near hates Gerard. I roll over and wrap my arm around his waist and lay my head on his chest.
"I remember the day my first boyfriend asked me out, it was really sweet." I realize that talking about ex boyfriends around your current boyfriend is frowned upon by society, but I think it's nice to let your current relationship partner know things you've been through, even relationship wise. "He texted me to meet him at a park that was a few blocks from my house. We were best friends and he would always tell me to do random stuff like that, so I didn't question him, I just went. He was sitting on a swing wearing what I told him was my favorite outfit on him- red skinny jeans and a black v-neck. He had daisies tied to form a circle and placed on his head, then there were more scattered around the swing set. He stood up and brought me over to one of the swings and sat me down, then put his hands on the chains right above where I put mine, then just... asked me to be his boyfriend."
"And you said yes," Gerard whispered.
"I said yes," I reply. "How'd your first boyfriend ask you out? Or did you ask him?"
"He asked me, it was just blunt and to the point, really. His name is Bert and... Um, he walked up to me in the school bus parking lot and grabbed my hand. He pulled me over to the back of a bus and kissed me, then he told me he wants me to be his boyfriend." He didn't sound pleased with the story, the way he explained the whole thing sounded like pain and regret.
"How did the relationship go?" I ask, getting curious. I want to know why he sounded like that. Even though my first relationship didn't work out, I'm not upset about it. What happened in his?
"How'd yours go?" He asked, turning the question around.
"Good, I suppose. It was just a lot of movie nights, kissing, cuddling, and mushy stuff. I kind of realized that it wasn't going to work out because all the sweet stuff he would do for me just stopped creating butterflies. I broke it off after four and a half months, but we stayed friends until I moved. What about you?"
"Do you really want to know?" He asks, wrapping his around around my back to hold me closer.
"Yes," I answer.
"I don't think you'll like it," he states.
"But I want to know."
"Okay," he answers. "It was eleven months.. I was head-over-heels, he wasn't. After a few months, we, um, we-we had sex. He claimed to love me, I loved him, so we did it more. I saw it as making love, he saw it as a good fuck. One night, we were having sex, after we were done, I cuddled up to him like normal and then, um, then he br.. then he broke up with me," he explains. Throughout the story, his hold on me tightened considerably. His fingers started to grip my side painfully, his voice got shaky.
"That's horrible, Gerard," I gasp, tightening my hold on him as well.
"He's the reason I'm like this, Frank. If I wouldn't have said yes, if I wouldn't have let him use me, take advantage of me, I wouldn't be a whore. I'd be a better person. Mikey wouldn't hate me, my parents would be proud to have me as a son. I wouldn't have broken so many hearts.. Patrick would be okay." Everything he's telling me is making me tear up, he's bagging on himself so bad and I want him to stop. It hurts hearing him say all of these things.
"Stop saying those things," I say firmly. "Stop making yourself feel bad."
"What's the point in trying not to believe the truth?" He retorts. I really don't have an answer for that, but I am sure as hell not going to sit here and let him believe those things. Gerard is himself. He has a bad reputation, so what? Is a bad rep going to keep him from fulfilling anything he desires? Is a bad rep going to keep me from liking him? No.
"Gerard," I sigh, "Bert was just an ass, okay? You shouldn't let him effect who you are. It doesn't matter that your reputation is bad, or that you like sex, or that you've broken hearts. You've got me and none of that stuff matters anymore." I'm trying my hardest to make him feel better and I'm not sure if it's working. I just want him to smile and have a good time. I want him to not have to worry about an ex boyfriend, or the hearts he's broken. The past is over and it can't be changed, all you can do is move on and that's what he needs to do.
"It amazes me that you fail to give a shit about my rep," he sighs, pulling me even closer to him.
"It amazes me that you fail to understand how much I don't care about it," I reply. He doesn't respond, he just continues to stare at me for a while. I don't know what he's thinking about, but it stays this way for a while.
"Can I kiss you?" I nod my head slowly, a small smile appearing on my face. It's sweet how he still asks every now and again.
He lowers his head and presses his lips against mine, holding them there for a couple seconds. Surprisingly, I'm the one to deepen it, dragging my tongue along his lips, trying to force my way into his mouth. I can feel him smile before he opens his mouth slightly, allowing me to slip my tongue in. I've never really taken control of a kiss before, so I honestly have no idea what to even do. I guess he picked up on that though because he rolls us over so he's laying on me and takes over.
We lay like that for God only knows how long. I shamelessly moan a few tines at the pleasure of this, but so does he, so I guess that's fine.
He moves his lips from my now swollen ones and places them on my neck, right above my clavicle, and starts kissing and sucking on the skin. I can't deny the amount of pleasure this brings me, but I also can't deny how guilty I feel. While I lay here, moaning and writhing around underneath him, he probably thinks I might be finally ready for sex. I'm not. I get knocked from my thoughts when he moves to a new area, behind my ear, and begins the same assault.
I tangle my pale fingers in his dark hair, gripping and pulling at it. I pull his head away from my neck and place my lips back on his.
His hands trail down my sides, lightly tickling the sensitive skin. Then, they go to work on the button of my jeans. I sigh and pull away, pushing his hands away from my pants. I feel like a total ass, I should've stopped this when I got the feeling he was thinking about sex. I feel really guilty, he's really turned on and I'm just being a buzz kill.
"I'm sorry," he says quietly. "I just kinda-- I'm not thinking with the right head."
"It's okay, it's kind of my fault. I'm just not ready and I wish I was so I wouldn't have to keep shooting you down."
"Don't say that, take as long as you need. I'd hate to be the reason that you lose your virginity only for you to regret it later. Just take your time, I'll still be here when you're ready." I smile when he says that; he cares. He really does and it makes my heart flutter. He isn't pressuring, or forcing, or anything. He's being understanding and he's respecting me. I love that.
*~*~*~*
I apologize for my absence. I've been hooked on a story I thought of. So, instead of writing this or the other two, I've been typing that out. Sorryyyy
I hope you enjoyed it and I hope you know how much I love you guys.
xoCrashFire
