Red Wine

13: Multiple Hands

River (not her real name) made the difficult decision to surrender herself to a mental health facility. After all, she has been feeling lethargic towards life and society, probably even allergic. For the past five years she has only felt nothing but fear and anguish towards humans - especially men in particular, and she has been distancing herself away from friends and family. The only human beings River has tolerated in the last five years were her therapist, whom she knows is trying her best to help her out with her own personal issues, and then me, who has shared an apartment with her. Unfortunately, while we had helped her alleviate some of the pain away, the trauma lasted for far too long.

I've only known River during my senior year in high school, when she moved into the apartment with me, which at the time River just started her junior year. It was an apartment near the school, and normally it's treated like a school dormitory wherein multiple people can share a unit. I was the only person in the unit that time until the landlord asked if it was fine to share the unit with another student - which River actually specified that she preferred to be with only one other person in the unit. I didn't really mind and agreed to sharing the unit, and that's how River and I met.

She actually didn't go to the same school as I did, but River mentioned that this apartment was the next thing closer to her school as well as cheaper than others. She was a very quiet fellow I must say; you'd think she's mute if you actually don't talk to her, but if you do manage to get her in a conversation, River is a woman of few words. I know for a fact that people who are taciturn like this hold the biggest secret in their lives. I didn't pry much about it though, but I did my best to make her feel at home around me. I'm a bit of a shy person myself, but a switch must have flicked in my brain somewhere, and the 'mother friend' in me became prominent when River came around the apartment.

Apart from being a student, River worked part time at the cafe near my school that helped her pay rent and sustain her life in general. A year after being apartment buddies together is the only time River opened up a little bit about herself and her life. River lost her parents at a young age, and only has been living from one relative's house to another. She decided to move out upon entering her junior year, telling me 'it just felt better that way' but never really got into too much detail. I assumed that she didn't like the company of her family. That was only how much she was willing to tell me - River was starting her senior year, while I was starting college.

Little by little River eventually started warming up and telling me tidbits of what had happened in her day. Somehow I still have an inkling of a feeling that she was purposely leaving out some things or details, but that's just my observation. Either way, I will 100% still intently listen to whatever she has to share, as she also does the same when I do the talking. However, you could say that there was some form of improvement or character development that happened with River, that much I can attest to. She's still quite reserved of course, although based on her stories, she has been more active throughout her school and work life. Somehow I felt more proud for her than anyone else.

Fast forward to a few years later - I've already graduated from college and am currently working part time before applying for a full-time job, while River was pushing to her last year in college. Around this time, I could see River reverting back to her previously taciturn self. As for me, I thought nothing of it, and I chose to continue living in the apartment for now even though there's no point staying there anymore because I don't go to school anymore. I did feel guilty of the thought of leaving River as a solo boarder of the room though, so in the end I decided to keep living with her. Which, in my opinion, I think the universe set me up for this very moment.

One night I went home incredibly late from work having been assigned to do a closing shift, plus the traffic on the way home contributed to the time of my arrival back in the apartment. I did tell River in advance to lock the room if she was going to sleep since I have my own copy of the key so there was absolutely no reason to worry about getting locked out. By the time I got home, it was already past 12 midnight, and I know damn well that River sleeps as early as 10. As I was about to put the key in the doorknob, faint sounds of screaming and huffing could be heard inside the room. Despite knowing that visitors are strictly prohibited to go to the tenant's rooms and are only allowed at the lounge until 10 PM, I couldn't help but panic still. Quickly throwing my bag aside and rushing my way into River's quarters, I called out her name as loud as I could, only to find River asleep in her bed, but was heavily making reactions in real life. Obviously she was having a nightmare - River was squirming so hard that it gave me an impression that she was fighting for her life, along with the frequent pleas of "Go away!" and "Fuck off!"

River immediately woke up when I touched her arm, with a side of a violent reaction that hit me right across my face. She apologized for it when her soul returned back to earth, to which I replied that it was fine. Unexpectedly, River turned to me with a dead blank slate in her eyes, tears forming at the rim, extending her arms wide open before throwing herself to me for a hug. Her sobs flowed uncontrollably, as if she has been holding on to it for a long time, like an overflowing bottle that's still being forced closed with the lid.

We had a very lengthy late night conversation that very night. This was the time that River told me everything. Without getting into too much detail as it is not my story to tell, the best way I could describe it was that River has been feeling like there were always multiple hands slithering in her entire body, most prominent in her chest and leg area. Because she has lived with her relatives for the majority of her life growing up, River experienced all sorts of sexual assaults and harassment from her relative's male spouses or cousins. When her aunts aren't home or she was left with any man in general, they have always taken advantage of her, doing dirty things to her as young as seven years old?!

When she tried telling her other relatives, no one believed her, and even telling her that she was falsely accusing them of such a big crime.

Whichever relative River lived with, it was always the same experience, which is what made her decide to live on her own - the time we first met as roommates. She has mostly been using her scholarship money for therapy, and has explained that the reason why she doesn't share a lot with me is because she didn't want to 'trauma dump' me and that it would be better if her actual therapist heard about it. I actually respect and understand this, and even more so that she thought of my own well-being while trying to fight for her own.

Everything has been smooth sailing for River ever since distancing herself from her family until just recently that one of her professors in college made an attempt to advance on her. Now, she is back to spiraling down the abyss of her fears, with the only goal left in her mind was to just get the hell out of the university and graduate. She has been sick of those hands trying to get in the way of living a normal life.

Before River left for the mental health facility, she treated me for lunch as a way to say thank you for being both the mother and older sister that she never had. She even gave a speech that got both of us in tears. I dropped her off at the hospital that day, gave each other one last hug, before watching her walk further and further away from me.

I pray to all the gods out there that River may finally slay all those crawling limbs off her body, and may her lifetime trauma be healed as well.