Red Wine

14: Voices in My Head, More Than A Decade Later

It's me again, the same child from seven prompts ago - the one with absent parents, and the one who cannot discern what's right and what's wrong. The very same one that lets the voices in my head win and make the decisions for me. It's been more than a decade since I wrote that. Believe me, in the end I did manage to just learn from my experiences - or I would like to think to myself that I did anyway.

Not knowing what's right or wrong and just listening to the voices in my head led me to a path of hardships. I struggled with human society, but I've met some good people who helped me in my journey. I still do let the voices win from time to time, mostly because I didn't know what else to do, nor did I want to rely on my companions for every bit of my life. Eventually, the immature voices finally died down, and I was able to be in full control of what I do.

I wished it stayed that way though.

As I'm writing this, I'm currently 19 years old. Dealing with so many hardships must have taken a toll on me. The old voice has retired for good, but now enters a new voice in my head, both figuratively and literally.

Depression is the figurative voice. I have been aware all my life that not a lot of people like me due to my previous decisions in life; perhaps I am too aware of it. Now I just assume that everyone doesn't like me at all, or at least that's what my brain tells me. My incompetence and the fact that I failed to do what's actually right has put me to this point. I now know when I am wrong, but I painfully beat myself up for every mistake.

The literal voice is an actual voice from a person, who keeps pushing his beliefs and desires towards me. I don't know how many times I have to tell him to stop, because one thing's for sure - it isn't 173 times.

With all honesty, I wanted the old voice back that helped me throughout my child and teen years, instead of this hobo-looking fucker constantly whispering in my ears telling me that 'You look pretty today', 'I feel all hot when I'm with you', 'Please go out with me', and 'I promise I'll take care of you.' If my old voice were still in my head, I would've beat the shit out of this guy since day one. I wish I still had the strength to do so.

Sadly I do not. The depressed voice keeps winning, and all I can do now is cry, and cry even harder when I get home. There's just no winning for me, huh?

I want the right voice in my head that will tell me what to do, and to escape from this misery of permanent sadness. I don't want any human being to be the voice in the head. I want these negative voices to stop.

Would the negative voices only cease to exist when I do, too?