THE FATE

CHAPTER 17

He left no note, he was gone without a trace. Almost as if he wanted to be forgotten. But how could I forget him? I didn't want to anymore, but I know I would have to. I would have to, to give myself some peace. That is if I could ever find peace here amongst this doomed place. 

I rolled over in bed, clenching on my stomach. Feeling awful, like I was going to throw up. I ran to the restroom and heaved over the toilet. I rested my hand on my forehead, feeling so mentally and physically defeated. Snoke truly broke me. 

This was something Master Luke taught us, but he never got to finish that part of our training. I've learned to put up my own walls, to block everyone out. But I never truly mastered how to reinforce them once they been torn down. I felt myself wanting to be angry, but I also felt like I didn't have any more emotion to grasp onto. 

I'm not sure if Snoke's intention that day was to smash my walls and break me, but he accomplished that goal so quickly. It was truly embarrassing to me. I don't feel worthy of my title, of my honor anymore. Like Snoke stole that all from me in just a snap. How can I be a commander, but I can't take a mentally beating?

How can I expect my troops to fight with me, when their leader is weak. 

I walked back into my bed and fell face first into the pillows. Unsure of how many days I haven't left my quarters as its been a few weeks since Kor left me. I have tried every single day to call to him in the force,  but I am left with just silence. Maybe he truly is done. Maybe he was upset that I didn't choose to leave, or he is finally happy with her. 

Kylo hasn't bothered me much since that day happened weeks ago. I've been invited to several meetings but I haven't had the courage to show my face. Cody has checked in every so often, as well as Hagen. I've kept it short with them so they don't think too much into it, and put on a smile. 

When I reach out to Kor through the force, I tell him everything. I tell him how sad I've become. How the days and nights have merged together. How when I look into the mirror, I don't recognize the thing staring back at me. How I let the anger take me over, and change me. How angry I want to be at him. 

Sometimes I think its a good thing he can't hear me all the time. 

Ever since Snoke broke me, I haven't been able to tap into the force as much as I use to. I can't feel or hear as well. It almost is like I'm trying to talk in a storm underwater. Everything is muffled. I don't know if that was his intention, it definitely felt like it. 

A heard a light knock at the door. 

"Who is it?" I called out. 

"Breakfast," Kylo's muffled reply.

I must have lost track of time, he comes every single day with breakfast. 

The doors hissed open and he strutted into my room. A full breakfast on a tray, waiting for me. He stopped in the door frame "Hungry?" as he said with a slight smile. 

I wasn't hungry, and I didn't want to eat. I just wanted to be left alone. I didn't even sit up in my bed, I just stayed under the covers and rolled over to not face him. 

He set the tray beside me and stood at the end of the bed. "Lex?" he asked. 

I ignored him. 

He sat on the bed next to my legs, and placed his hand on my calf. "Please eat."

He normally just places the tray on my bed and leaves. Why isn't he leaving this time. 

"Don't you have other things to be doing?"