Hesitation 18+🔞

Chapter 56: Theres another way

After you clean up, you quietly robe yourself in the dark room, the faint light of the candles gently cascading over your figure.

"You're not going to lay with me?" You ploy, snuggling into the sheets.

Levi remained seated in the chair,

"I can't get distracted. I've been ordered to protect you."

You roll your eyes, unamused by his inherent defiance and indifferent to him acknowledging your own.

"Alright. Then so be it."
You roll over while tightly engulfed in the sheets, turning away from him in one last rebellious act, hoping he would fail to resist and meet you in the the bed.

However, he leaves you longing for his touch while cradled in the unforgiving silence. After everything you've been through tonight, he won't hold you until you fall sleep. You have a hard time admitting, even to yourself, that that's what you truly desire, a vulnerable moment after yet another horrifying day. The longing for his arms around you makes your heart pound as you lie awake, overthinking every moment you've spent with him thus far.
Despite his care for you being so obvious, you can't help but condemn the idea that soils his brain, the very notion that continues to keep him at an arms length. Through your own motions, you've come to the conclusion that deep down, Levi fears that he'll lose you. Those two graves you visited previously.. the fact that he told you he came into the scouts with two others he loved.. Isabel and Furlan. He's lost people, lots of people he's cared about, probably his family too... and Kenny. Considering that he only found out Kenny was his uncle on his deathbed, you can gather that he didn't grow up with much of a family from the little bits and pieces of his story you've accumulated. Maybe the only family he's known were Isabel and Furlan, and he's lost them.
Your mind keeps your exhausted body awake until rays of sunshine filter through the room before you can even consider the idea of rest.

The chair creeks as Levi shuffles to his feet, preparing to wake you before you briefly cut him off.

"I'm already up."
You sharply dismiss him, remaining tucked into the bed.

He stops in his tracks. You can feel the air grow stale with his dissatisfaction, his weight shifting uncomfortably beneath him.

"Then get yourself ready for the day. We're leaving in a half hour." His authoritative tone rung crisply through the morning air.

You toss the sheets off of you, purposely avoiding Levi's gaze. Maybe he isn't wrong, maybe it's best to not grow so attached. Not only is he your superior, he's humanity's strongest soldier. He has far more experience than you do, to be a solider is to adopt this lifestyle, a lifestyle of pushing people away.
As you get ready, you ponder in your own thoughts. Not too long ago, you were the one convincing Levi how important it is to cherish those you have while they're here..
You wipe your face with a cloth before looking into the mirror when thoughts of Eld resurfaced.
If you never allowed that connection to flourish, it wouldn't had hurt so badly when he died. It used to be so easy to discredit Levi's stance, but now, with Noah joining battle alongside you, you can feel where Levi is coming from. You sympathize with him.
Losing Gwen hurt, losing Reiner.. Annie, Bertholdt, Ymir. Whether dead, alive, crystallized, betrayed or unknown.. every loss hurts.
Caring about someone else is a burden, and all you've ever wanted was to relieve him of his burdens. Maybe you were wrong in your methods..

The door thuds shut behind you, and you give Levi a nod, signaling that you're ready to head back to HQ. Without a word, you both board the carriage filled with the other members of Squad Levi.
Everyone is fairly hungover, so remaining silent or napping on the long journey back doesn't raise any alarms.

Once you arrive at HQ, Erwin immediately calls for you and Levi to report to his office, where he'll discuss the details of his security plans for you.

Levi knocks on the commanders door and you're promptly welcomed inside. Erwin seemed to be in good spirits, a hint of joy sparked in his eyes when you met his gaze, oblivious to the dark circles under yours.