Hesitation 18+🔞

Chapter 59: A Room Without a Door

Fast forward to 6am

Your eyes struggle to open, and the first thought in your mind is "fuck" as your alarm rings relentlessly through the room. You've been sweating in your bed, stuck between your peculiar dreams and a half-awake paralysis. As you sit upright, the throbbing intensity of your headache hits you full force.
Missing training for the infirmary is one thing, but missing the lectures is a whole other. Failing to show up all together can result in your expulsion. Not that you were planning on ditching today's training, but the thought is tempting. You glance out the window, the sun is rising through few clouds, it looks to be a promising sunny day. If only you could take Mara on a ride through the trails before the sun reaches its peak and beats down on you.
However, per Erwin's order's, lecture time is scheduled for the cool of the morning, while the scorching noon serves as the backdrop for physical exertion.

After your shower, you return to your room to find a piece of paper lying on the floor. You suspiciously eye the page, it looks to be a portrait of yourself. You flip it over to reveal Jean's signature, most likely slid under your door while you were in the showers.
Your face softens at the sight of his sketch. He's captured you quite beautifully, is it true that you really appear this charming in his eyes? A sigh slips out as you gingerly place the paper on your desk. You hate to admit it, but his effort touched you, a lone tear streams down your cheek, which you quickly wipe away.

Typically, your uniform is mandatory.. but you've realized you don't have any clean white pants, you've been neglecting your chores as of late, but who the hell even has time in between the constant moving around?
You throw on a pair of dark jeans and a hoodie, along with your uniform jacket. As long as your gear can fit over it, it shouldn't be a problem. You've all fought in casual clothes and ODM before, it shouldn't disrupt too much..

Upon getting to the lecture hall, nobody really says anything about your attire, but you can feel Levi's seething gaze fall upon you as you take your seat, crossing your arms as you nestle in besides Sasha.
One by one, scouts trickle in, filling the assembly with an indistinct hum of voices. You struggle to maintain steady eye contact with Sasha and Conny as they speak with you, but they're oblivious to your wandering thoughts, your fake smile and empty eyes participating in their clownery.

Once the lecture is set to begin, Erwin rises to his feet, stepping over to the podium. He details the advancements to commence over the following weeks and despite your best efforts, your attention drifts away, the words turning into a monotonous blur. Yet, the mention of potential scout missions to the chapel manages to penetrate your foggy thoughts. You vaguely recall the suggestion that the glowing crystals may be used as a light source at some point, though you can't remember quite when.

Erwin's commendations for Hange's squad fill the hall, and the name "Noah Shanko" rings out, effectively jolting you back into the present. You share a brief glance with him, your nod of approval mirroring Erwin's acknowledgement. Noah's gaze is filled with concern as he notices your struggle to stay engaged. Normally, you are on your toes during these briefings, but today, the weight of your thoughts is overwhelming.

At the close of the meeting, Sasha's hand finds your shoulder, mumbling complaints of her insatiable hunger as you head towards the training grounds where squad Levi will participate. As Noah heads off in the direction of Squad Hange, you find yourself watching him, he's smiling as the rest of Squad Hange listen intently, Hange wide eye'd with enthusiasm. He's out of earshot, but you can only assume he's blabbering on about, most likely innovative and progressive ideas, but you envy him. This intense feeling surges within you, this envy for his ability to progress so seamlessly while you grapple with the immense burden on your shoulders, feeling as if you'll cave at any second.
A firm grip on your wrist redirects your focus.