Hesitation 18+🔞

Chapter 57: Haunted

Author's note & TW: grief, death This chapter is dedicated to my love, who just [suddenly] passed away. While doing my reread, I have been able to take advice from my own characters about death and grieving. I'm blown away in my ability to write about those emotions without experiencing them in that capacity. Now that I can write from experience, this chapter is a tough read/write, so TW: grief

You join your friends in the lobby, but you can feel Noah wanting to talk with you later alone. There's so much that needs to be cleared up.
You're happy to see him and the other new members adjusting well.
Marlowe and the other transplants are on squad Klaus and Noah made his way into Squad Hange. Without Nifa, Noah is truly a valuable asset. Not only his combat skills as a scout make him an obvious match, but his intelligence and dedication to aiding in the new development of technology make him a much needed addition for our upcoming expedition.

Lunch in the mess hall was a pleasant distraction from the heavy news you and Levi had discussed, but once the two of you were alone, sitting outside by the steps under the sky as the sun grew gold in preparation to set, he turns to you with a mischievous grin.

"So.. what's been going on with you and the captain?" He playfully nudged you.

You shake your head in disbelief.
"I think you owe me an explanation about you and Oliver first!" You tease

"It was all a misunderstanding, while I was worried about you underground without me, he was the one who was there for me. Of course, I couldn't tell him the details, but he never pressured me to. When the scouts were being arrested, he was also there for me. We never really have time for romantic relations here, but in the MP, it's totally different."

"Hmm.. I see. I never meant to hurt Oliver, it was bad timing. I was hurt when I found out on stage that you'd be a Scout and I took my anger out on him. He was just trying to prove his character and.. that wasn't my proudest moment."

"And those rumors weren't his either."
You meet Noah's welcoming gaze before he continued.
"He wasn't ready to come out... to anyone. And to the regiment, I don't know if I was ready either. And I've always valued that I've never had to come out to you. I didn't have to.. whether or not I did, never mattered for us."

You hugged him, and he held you in his warm embrace.
"But did you know?" He asked, his curiosity piqued.

"I never looked at you as the kind of person who focused on those things. You're like a brother to me, so whoever you like, doesn't change that. Now, unlike my relationship with Gwen, both you and I never divulged in those topics."

"But we're getting older, and we're meeting people who make us feel these kinds of things." He paused, smiling at the ground.
"When you kissed the captain" he continued. "It made me feel something so happy for you. Your first instinct was to place your lips on his, and he accepted it. It's very obvious that, despite his stoic demeanor, he has an affinity to you."

You sat with his words, contemplating whether or not, you should really indulge in these conversations with him. The same conversations that brought you close to Gwen, the reason why your bond grew, and the reason why it hurt so much to lose her.

A wave of memories wash over you, her smile by the fire that night with Reiner. The pain of it all hits you like a ton of bricks and your throat begins to grow tight, and you throw your face into your hands as tears pour uncontrollably from your eyes.