Better Off Alone (Adopted by Brendon and Sarah Urie)

93. Brendon

It was quiet upstairs for a while after I came home from my fruitless attempt to talk to our daughter. Sarah and I sat in the kitchen area talking about how to handle this. Callie had the unique opportunity to ignore us by simply turning her head or closing her eyes. We could talk until we were blue in the face and it wouldn't make any difference.

Suddenly there were noises from upstairs. Banging, something that sounded like yelling or screaming. Sarah and I ran up the stairs to Callie's room. She was in a rage. She was crying and throwing things around her room. Nothing very breakable, though, from what I saw. Her computer was on her desk still. I got behind her and gathered her in my arms, hoping to calm her down enough to talk to her. She raged against me for a good few minutes before the air went out of her sails and she slumped into me. I picked her up and sat with her on her bed. I rubbed her back as she sobbed on me. I didn't even try to ask her what was going on. I could tell I wouldn't get an answer. I wasn't sure she'd be able to articulate it at this moment.

Sarah, looking at the mess in Callie's room and knowing that my absence was the likely catalyst for this ... tantrum? Started cleaning up the mess.

"I'd make her do it in any other circumstance," Sarah said when I asked why she was cleaning the mess Callie had made. "But she's been so upset about things, I think this was out of her control. I don't want to punish her for having emotions that got out of her control. We'll talk about it later."

I nodded. I looked down and saw Callie had fallen asleep. I felt so bad that she'd been so upset and so, seemingly angry, that she'd worn herself out completely. I gently lifted her, put her on her bed, covered her with a blanket and kissed her forehead. Sarah and I tidied up the last few things and then went downstairs.

"I'm going to make spaghetti," Sarah said. "It's easy and all I have the energy for."

"Fair enough," I said. "I'll cut up a salad and make garlic bread."

We set about making dinner, hoping Callie would join us. When we were ready to sit down, I went up and checked on Callie. She was still out cold.

"She's asleep," I said as I came back downstairs. Sarah made us both a plate and we sat at the dining room table to eat a silent dinner.

"Bren," Sarah broke the silence. "We have to talk to her. Tonight, if she wakes up before morning."

I nodded. Callie needed to understand the demands on my time change depending on where I am in a record cycle. I'd made the mistake of not properly explaining it and I took full responsibility for that.

Sarah and I cleaned up from our dinner and returned to the dining room with our drinks. We didn't talk much.

Around 8, we heard Callie's toilet flush, and we waited with anticipation that she would come downstairs.

She did. And stopped as soon as she saw both of us in the dining room. Sarah went up to her and asked if she was hungry. Callie seemed to contemplate that, then nodded. Sarah led her to the table and sat her down. She looked so dejected and... resolved?

Sarah brought Callie a plate of spaghetti, some salad and a piece of garlic bread.

"There's more if you want," Sarah said, her hand lovingly placed on Callie's head.

"Callie," I signed, getting her attention by taking her hand. She looked at me and I saw anger flash through her eyes, then... fear? Then resolve, again.

"Sweetie, I need to talk to you," I said. Callie bent her head down and wouldn't look at me.

"I already know," she signed.

I turned her face to mine.

"I don't think you do," I said. "I think you're thinking something is going on that you don't understand and I didn't prepare you properly for."

She frowned at me. There was no trust in her eyes. She looked like she was expecting to hear bad news.

"First," I said. "I have to apologize to you."

"No, you don't. I get it," she said. Anger, fear and resentment marred her features.

"No, Callie," I emphasized. "You don't. You're thinking I'm going to tell you something that maybe you're expecting, but I promise, it's not at all what you think."

"I've seen enough families break up. I'm not stupid. I know what you're going to tell me!"

She was getting more angry, and had pushed her dinner away. Sarah moved beside her, and got her attention.

"Callie, sweetheart listen to Dad," she said.

"Brendon," she finger spelled. I rubbed my face. We'd lost so much trust she was back to calling us by our first names.

Sarah sighed and smiled sadly.

"Ok. But just listen, okay? Let him explain everything before you jump to conclusions. Promise me that?"

"Sure," she said. But her face said otherwise.

I got her to look at me. I could see she was skeptical that she even wanted to hear what I had to say.

"Callie, first, again, I'm really sorry that I didn't explain this part of my job to you better," I said. She looked confused. Sarah had mentioned she thought we were divorcing and I could imagine she was wondering what my job had to do with it.

"I should have explained to you that when I'm working on an album, a lot of my time isn't really my own, and that I lose track or get heavily involved in making the album sound the way I want it to. I didn't do a good job of balancing my work life with my family life. I've never had a daughter during an album cycle before. And that's completely on me. I am so sorry I missed so many dinners and I am so, so sorry I missed your science fair. I saw your award. I'm so very proud of you. Mom and I both are. And you should be proud of yourself, too."

She was sitting back in her chair, watching me, with her arms crossed.

"Mom told me you thought I was leaving you and her.  I'm not. You misunderstood what you thought you saw."

"You said 'leave the girls'. What did I miss from that?" She signed, angrily.

"I was talking about the tour for the new album. We're hoping to be able to release it in March and maybe leave on tour in May. You'll still be in school so I would be leaving you and Mom at home while you finish school, then you and Mom could join us out on tour. That is the only leaving I intend on doing. I love your Mom and you very much. We are not getting divorced or separated or anything like that. I am so, so sorry you thought that. I wish you had said something sooner. I messed up by not properly preparing you. I should have explained how busy I was going to be."

"But... you promised. You promised you'd come home for dinner. You promised you'd be at my science fair! You kept promising and you kept breaking them!"

Callie was still mad. And that was fair. She had every right to still be upset and even scared. But I wanted, needed her to understand that she was okay. That Sarah and I were okay. That she was in her forever home. That nothing was changing that.