Starting Over

Missing Him

Alison woke up from her nap on the couch.  What could she possible be tired from.  She only went to work for one day.  "Stop.  Just stop.  He isn't the one.  None of them are," she had go through her head.  It was ten years ago all over again.  Or was it?

When she realized she hadn't retrieved her mail for the day, she figured she might as well do so.  The walk up and down the stairs was the only exercise she'd be getting. "God, I miss him."  She walked to her door, grabbed her keys off the shelf beside it, and turned to Jack, "I'll be right back boy.  Just going to check mail."  She opened her door to walk out, but found she couldn't.  She slammed right into him, just as he was about to knock on her door.  The man she truly missed was there.  He'd come back for her.

"Adam," she said in quiet surprise as she hung her head so he could not see her face.

"Alison, we need to talk.  Please?" He reached for her to "pull" her head up so he could observe her, but she turned away.

"There's nothing to talk about Adam.  Just go," her voice cracking with sadness.  She missed him yes.  But she didn't want to drag him down with her pain.

"I can't do that Alison.  I can't walk away from you."  He watched as she backed up into her apartment.  "Please Alison, let me come in?"  She held her right arm up on the door and stood beside it so he could come over the threshold.  Jack realizing someone was in his home, got up and ran to him.  After a couple sniffs, his tail was wagging and he was almost smiling.  "Hi boy. How you doin'?  Been staying out of trouble?  Hey can you do me a favor?  Can you go lay down so I can talk to Mama?"  As if Jack could understand what was going on, he turned towards Alison and stared at her with a "just listen to him," look in his eyes, and then he went and plopped himself next to the couch.  As Alison closed the door, Adam said, "Thank you."

"What do you want Adam?"

"I told you, to talk."

"How did you even get here?"

"I borrowed my brother's truck.  Does that really matter?"  He watched as she sat in the middle of her couch.  He followed her and got down on his knees in front of her.  "Alison, look.  I get your scared.  I get all of it. . ."

"How could you get it?"

"Because," he paused, staring into her brown eyes that, at the moment, were masking a beautiful soul trying to come through, "I know about Jimmy."

"WHAT?" She was not happy.  "How in the HELL do you know about him?"

"Kelly. . ." and he was cut off.

"Oh, of course.  Good ol' Kelly.  Sticking her nose into shit that she shouldn't  And here she goes again."

"Alison, shut it and listen to me!"  He wasn't yelling, but he was stern.  "Yes, Kelly told me about Jimmy.  But not why you might be thinking.  She told me because she's scared for you.  She's seeing you act a way she's seen before, and she told me why.  When you told me to leave, I couldn't understand why.  Now I do.  I told you I'd be here when you opened your eyes.  I wasn't.  All your mind did was replay past scenarios.  When she told me this tonight, it all made sense.  Alison, I never, do you understand me, never had any intention of leaving and not coming back."  He had grabbed her hands and was holding them in his.

Tears falling from her eyes, she looked at him.  "I don't like seeing you like this Alison.  I'm sorry he left.  I understand that feeling."

"No, Adam.  You don't.  You understand loss.  You know where your wife and son are.  And I am sorry that happened to them.  You know they are not coming back.  But I don't know that Jimmy won't come back."

Adam shook his head, "Yes, Alison you do.  Ten years.  Ten years he's been gone.  I'm sorry, but I am in agreement with Kelly on this.  If he was going to come back, he would've by now.  And you know what?  The fact that he hasn't, he's a fucking idiot.  And yet, I have to thank him."

"Thank him?  For what?  For making me miserable.  For screwing me up so fucking bad that I can't get out of it?  For. . ."

"For giving you to me," he said softly.  "Alison, I know you're not going to believe me on this, but this last week, not hearing from you, not seeing you, it hurt."

"It's not like you had my number."

"No, but I do know where you live.  I could've been over here any second.  But I forced myself to stay away.  And I hated it.  Why do you think I gave Kelly my number to give to you?  I was hoping you'd use it.  But now, I understand why you didn't.  God, I wish he knew what he's done to you.  You don't deserve what he did.  And he sure as shit doesn't deserve you."

Alison was trying to figure this out as it was going.  Why was Adam putting all of this in front of her?  Why?  She felt shitty enough.  She didn't need him talking about Jimmy.  "Adam, just stop okay?  I don't want to hear about Jimmy anymore," as she sniffed so her nose wouldn't run.  She hung her head again.  "I know he doesn't deserve me anymore.  I've known that for years," her tears pulled back just a hair, "but he was. . ."

"Your first, I know.  And darlin' do I understand that.  Know how many girlfriends I had before Lisa?  Two.  I liked them.  But I was never in love with them.  Lisa was my love.  My world.  Losing Lisa, and Evan, damn near killed me." He let go of her right hand, and lifted her face by her chin, "but somewhere along the way, I learned I can't be miserable and overwhelmed by loss forever.  And before you say it, yes I know, for me, it's a little bit different because they were killed.  I get that.  But I still had to put first love behind me."

Alison looked him in the eyes.  Damn those eyes of his.  They were always so full of light and warmth.  "Adam, what if I can't?"

"I think you can.  I think you want to."

She nodded yes, "I hate him so much. For everything he's done to me.  I don't like me.  This is why I warned you.  This is why I didn't want to get close to you.  You don't need a hot mess like me."

"I don't see a hot mess.  I see a beautiful woman, who has a huge heart, and a broken soul.  And I want to help her mend that."

"Why would you want to help someone like me?"

"Because," he paused a moment, looked down at the floor, then back up at her, "I'm falling in love with you."