The State of Grace

TWO

Grace

I felt weak, like I couldn't move. I don't remember leaving that bar, I don't remember the entire flight to Quantico. I don't remember walking into the building.

But here I am at my old desk. Staring into space, I was waiting for Miller to come over to me. I was waiting to be screamed at, but all I wanted was to see Xavier. I had to explain myself, I had to tell him why.

Of course he would never understand why, he would never get the reason why I had to do this to save his life. At the same time I saved him, I also ruined his life.

"Allie?" I shoot my head up, my eyes connect with Finn. I hadn't seen him since he showed up at my apartment, I wanted to beg him for help.

I wanted him to help me see Xavier. I needed to see him, my anxiety was eating me alive. I didn't know how much longer I could handle this, before I went into a full on breakdown.

Finn crouches down in front of me, he takes my hands. I knew I looked like a mess, my eyes were almost shut due to how puffy they had become. I could hardly believe the change in the day, I had no idea what to do or say to anyone. I just wanted to crawl into bed and die. I wanted Xavier by my side, but I don't think that will happen now.

"Allie, you did what was right" Finn says as his hand slowly wipes the tear from my face.

"The why do I feel like this?" I breath out, I knew I had done the right thing.

I hardly even questioned that, I knew in that situation there was no other way I could have been. If I didn't hand him over, we would have both died. I knew I had some redemption before he would even look at me again.

"Because you're a good person, you always have been Al"

I had the biggest crush on Finn before I met Xavier. I knew always thought I would have underline feelings for him, but here I am. His hands holding my cheeks, I just wanted him off of me.

I wanted Xavier.

"I need to see him" I squeak, Finn let's go of me before he stands up. He looks down at me with a look of sorrow.

I knew that it was a long shot, I also knew I had to pull myself together before they would let me anywhere near him. I couldn't see him, not like this. I would be seen as weak, the FBI wouldn't want that.

"I'll see what I can do" Finn half smiles at me before he walks away towards the interrogation rooms.

I felt like all eyes were on me, I was the talk of the entire office. I was the one that fell for a man who had killed hundreds, I was the one that had nearly thrown away everything she had worked for. No one lose would understand the feelings I had for Xavier, no one would understand the pain I am feeling.

I had to sort myself out. I stand up quickly before marching to the bathroom, I lock the door behind me before heading right over to the mirror. I looked a mess, I knew that. My eyes were bloodshot; as well as swollen. I looked like I had to slept in weeks, in reality I hadn't even had the chance to sleep.

"Keep it together Grace" I tell myself, I knew I wasn't Grace anymore.

The mission was over, everything was over. I was supposed to be Allie Harris now. But I would never be Allie again, I had been Grace for so long it didn't feel right to be Allie.

Grace was the woman Xavier had fallen for, she was the one that he loved. Not Allie, I couldn't be Allie again.

Xavier didn't love Allie.

I clear up my make up as best as possible.

If they let me talk to Xavier, I had to look as put together as possible. I didn't want him to see me so broken down, I had to look as best as possible.

I don't know why I had this feeling but I did, I just had too.

I walk out of the bathroom and as I do I see Miller stood by my desk. My pace picks up as I finally reach my desk. I knew this would be make or break for me, I had to see Xavier. I just had too.

"Agent Harris" Miller speaks to me before I take a seat. He knew what I wanted, there was no doubt about that.

"Agent Miller" I reply to him.

"Miss Harris, I know you want to see him but I don't think it best too right now"

I knew this might be his answer, I knew he wouldn't let me near Xavier. He knew the power he held over me, he knew I would give in to anything Xavier might as me too do. I had to stay strong.

"Sir, please" I beg "I just need to speak to him once more"

We all knew that was a lie, it wouldn't be once more. I would want to more and more, I couldn't leave him.

"Allie, you are not in the right state of mind to talk to him" I could see the frustration building up. He didn't want to give into me, but I also knew I held the power here.

"Miller if you don't let me talk, I will refuse to give my statement"

I had to stand up for myself, I knew I was the weaker person here. I held less power, but I had to stick up for myself. I had to see him, I would do anything to see him.

I watch him run his hand along his jaw, he was debating up all his options. But I knew that he wouldn't have many more options other than to give me what I want.

"Tomorrow" He informs me, I feel my heart flutter knowing I would see him again soon. "You have to rest first though" He orders.

Tomorrow I would have to face Xavier, I didn't know what I was more scared about. Seeing him, or having to leave him once again.