𝐀𝐝𝐝𝐢𝐜𝐭𝐞𝐝

Chapter 11 - Useless

"Whenever a man does a thoroughly stupid thing, it is always from the noblest motives."
― Oscar Wilde, The Picture of Dorian Gray

Alice

    When I wake up, I feel like I'm mad at the whole world.

I'm mad at my brother for lying to me, mad at Stella for not answering and being here for me, mad at Orion for leaving me alone in this empty apartment, and mad at Mask, for making me believe I could have something similar, more or less, to a normal sexual relationship.

Even with my addiction, I don't think I've done anything to deserve this. I've always been here for everyone when they needed to be, and yes I've been lying, but it only was for other people's good. I'm not a bad person. I'm not a bad person. The universe is just mad at me.

Somewhere amongst the stars, there is some god mad at me, some force that wants me to be unhappy.

I have this tendency to become depressed any time there's something wrong with my life. One night alone was all it took for me to hit what they call rock bottom, and I'm now lying in my bed, wondering when the fuck my brother will be coming home, when will I get explanations for Mask.

I know I'm overreacting. Before I got home, I was actually having a good time with Orion. I had planned a party for my brother, I was ready to spend a cozy night on a call with Mask and then text Stella to tell her everything.

But there is no Mask anymore, and that hurts. There is nothing left to tell. And what hurts is that we never really said goodbye. We just ended. No explanation, no apologies and no regrets.

"Seen".

And I had thought I was on the right path to recovery. I thought I could get better so easily, because I was well surrounded. Turns out, I'm not as surrounded as I thought.

I don't know when the tears start running down my cheeks, but they do. The world feels heavy, pressing down on my shoulders like a burden I cannot escape. The ache in my chest is suffocating, and each breath I take feels like a struggle. I hug my knees to my chest, trying to find solace in the familiar embrace of my arms, but the pain persists.

In that moment, I long for relief, for a comforting touch or a reassuring word, but all I have are my tears, falling relentlessly. I just wish there was someone here with me, someone to tell me it's okay, that things aren't as bad as they seem to be because, at the end of the day, life is good and there is no need to cry for a nameless man.

– Alice ?

I raise my head as the voice of my brother fills the room. He's right here, in front of me, staring at me like I'm broken and he doesn't understand why.

– What's going on ?

Slowly, he approaches me. The words are on the tip of my tongue, I want to tell him everything, why I've been absent, always locked in my room, but there is a gap between us, something that seals my lips shut, because I know I will regret speaking to him. I already know his reaction.

I can't tell him about Mask, nor about Stella because he would feel pity, and I can't tell him about how desperate I am for company, how alone I feel when nobody is picking the phone. Because then that will give him an excuse to look at me with pity in his eyes, and I don't want that.

I don't want him to treat me differently, I don't want to disappoint him.

– Nothing. I was just scared because you were not coming home... I mean, it's nine in the morning, and you left early and... I don't know, sorry. I guess I'm just tired.