𝐀𝐝𝐝𝐢𝐜𝐭𝐞𝐝

Chapter 22 - Reminiscence

"You pierce my soul. I am half agony, half hope...I have loved none but you."
― Jane Austen, Persuasion

Orion

Cars are passing by on the street in front of me, but I can't hear their noises, the music in my ears is too loud. Because of my overconsumption of music at the highest volume possible, I'm pretty sure my hearing is now ruined forever anyway.

My gaze turns to the street right below me. If I did one wrong movement, I would fall straight on the bricks and the people passing by. My window isn't wide enough to keep me secure, so I have to be careful with my balance. It's not that I want my life to end earlier than it should, not now that I'm finally fulfilled in my desires.

My heart starts beating faster as Alice's image pops up in my head. I see her smile so clearly it's as if she was right in front of me. And then the smile disappears as I see my phone turn on with yet another notification from Alexander. I don't count the number of messages he's sent me since he's read my texts with his sister.

I put out my cigarette, concentrating fully on my homescreen. At first, he wasn't being mean. Only asking me if I really was texting his sister. Then, why. Then, he asked me to "fucking answer". And after that... The insults started coming in, the threats to call him, and so on.

I didn't reply to anything. I couldn't bring myself to do it. I kept remembering the feeling of Alice's arms around me in that classroom, the way she kissed me like the word was ending. I don't want to let her go. I might be selfish, but from that moment, she was mine. In my eyes, she still is.

But the thing is, she never was supposed to be mine. I had agreed on that with Alexander. But my desire for her, my greed made me forget about my promises. She was the only one who mattered.

Perhaps I fucked up. Perhaps I shouldn't have gotten so close to her. I should've listened to my best friend. Because this is not a question of desire nor greed. This has been about her security all along.

And by getting close to her, by exposing her next to me, I put her in danger. Alexander knows that. It's why he never wanted me to approach her, we both knew the risks. The fact that he is still fine after years of being my friend is a miracle enough. I don't want to test the universe's goodwill too much, because who knows what could happen.

I've been selfish, I realize it now. I put her life in danger for an hour of ecstasy, for pleasure that isn't worth the sorrow I would be in if I ever lost her. But of course, I could never tell her that. Alexander is the only person in the world who knows about what I'm going through, and I'm not about to change that.

Even if she knew, the risks would still be here. Knowledge wouldn't save her. Ignorance, distance would. Which is why, when she calls me, I don't answer. It hurts to see her name on the screen, knowing what she's going through right now, and not being able to do anything about it.

I know the fight they went through a few hours ago. I know how she must be feeling, after knowing her for so long. I know she needs me to comfort her, to explain what's going on, but I simply can't.

I turn my phone to face the wall, so I don't see her notifications anymore. I can exactly recall the day I fell in love with her. Now, my heart is so full of her I can barely call it my own. That day felt like listening to a song for the first time and already knowing it would be my favorite.

I remember that party. It was Stella's birthday, her best friend, even though I haven't seen them hang out in a while. I was just back from a year abroad in France, and I was struggling to get back into my old social life. When I'd left, Alice was still, in my eyes, the little sister of my best friend. She was nothing else back then. But then Stella invited me, and I saw her for the first time again after one year away.