This Life

Chapter 5

Meredith what's wrong... what happened?" he asked gently.

"Are you sure you want to know? Because by the time I'm finished you won't want a screw up like me anywhere near your daughter."

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It was 3am and Derek was still awake.

He was lying on the sofa in the lounge with Meredith lying fast asleep beside him. He tried to close his eyes and go to sleep but when he did he kept replaying everything Meredith had told him only a few short hours ago.

He pulled her in closer to him and he could immediately smell her lavender shampoo. He gently caressed her face and in that moment swore that he would love and protect her and give her everything that she had never had as a child.

From the moment he met Meredith Derek had wanted to know every little thing about her. He wanted to know what was her favourite music, favourite food, drink, even how she took her coffee.

Over the past few months he was able to answer all of these – she preferred rock music, loved pizza, loved rose wine and took her coffee strong. But it was the other things that he wanted to know about her as well – did she have any brothers and sisters? What was she like as a child? He remembered their trip to his parents house at Cape Cod before moving to Seattle and he could see how tense she was – that there was something troubling her. When he had asked her Meredith simply answered him with "not here". Derek knew that she would tell him in her own time.

He knew that was lucky to have a family as brilliant as he has, but when he heard about Meredith's family – it simply made his blood boil he was that angry.

Four hours earlier.

Derek could see that Meredith was upset and told her to go and sit in the lounge whilst he got another bottle of wine from the fridge and lifted two clean glasses from the cupboard. Her words kept bouncing around his brain "a screw up like me"; he could not believe that Meredith had thought about herself in such a way.

He walked into the lounge and sat down beside her on the sofa. He could hear her crying softly.

"Mer..." Derek reached out and touched her shoulder.

"Don't... please Derek" Meredith whispered quietly while trying to move from his touch. She tucked her feet up under her and sat in the corner of the couch and looked directly at Derek.

"I was not wanted Derek. I was nothing but an inconvenience and a disappointment to my mother."

Derek closed his eyes briefly and started to say something but Meredith shushed him.

"Please Derek let me just get this out."

Derek nodded his head in agreement.

"Both of my parents are lawyers – my mother being the most successful – not surprising really as she could literally scare the shit out of everyone she meets. My father was born in London to Irish parents. He came to Boston on a gap year and met my mother and the rest as they say is history..."

Meredith paused to take a sip of her wine before continuing "I have an older sister Molly... she is three years older than me and she is...quite literally a bitch."

Meredith let out a sob, Derek reached for her but she pulled away. She had to do this – tell him this – by herself.

"Molly was the golden child – blonde hair, blue eyes. Anything Molly wanted - she got. She wanted to ride a pony for her birthday – she got it. When her friends started ballet classes Molly was also enrolled. As for me that was a completely different story."

"For two years I wanted a doll from Santa. Not any doll – this was Girls World doll that you could make up on and style their hair, all my friends had one and for two years I asked for this on my note to Santa. The first Christmas I was told that Santa could not find any and that I would have to be good to get one next year. Molly by this stage knew that Santa did not exist but had great pleasure it telling me that the real reason I didn't get the doll was because I had been bad. I spent the next year being extra nice to everyone." Meredith tried to smile through the tears.

"The following Christmas when I came down the stairs and opened my presents and saw the doll – I was so happy Derek and started yelling thank you Santa!"
Derek sat and smiled at this.

"Anyway what does Molly do – because at this stage everyone is looking at me – she tells me that Santa is not real and that dad had bought me the present because he felt sorry for me because even if Santa were real he would not give it to me. I started to cry and dad tried to calm me down but all I could hear was my mother stating that I was a silly little girl."

"We went to church as normal and when I came home I couldn't wait to start playing with the doll. I already knew how I was going to style her hair and what make – up to use. I walked into the lounge to find Molly pouring my mother's bright red nail polish all over the doll's hair and face. I ran over to stop her but of course mum came in to the room and started shouting at me for being so silly and not taking care of my present. I was sent to my bedroom for the rest of Christmas Day while Molly cried fake tears and enjoyed her dinner and desert and presents. I sat and cried all day I hated her so much. From that point on Molly did whatever she could to make my life a misery. Every Christmas toy and birthday present I received – Molly had to either have it or destroy it".

Derek again tried to reach out to her and again Meredith pulled away.

"Every year at my birthday I would ask for a birthday party but was always told no. We can't afford a party or mum would be too busy at work. On my birthday it would usually be just me and dad with a small cake at the kitchen table. When Molly asked for a birthday party an invite was sent to every child in her class and the biggest most extravagant birthday cake was ordered."

"Mer..."

Meredith stopped to take some more of her wine and looked at Derek "You think that's bad - imagine what it was like in high school together." Derek gave her a small smile encouraging her to continue.

"I had some friends in school, but not as many as Molly and by god she was determined that I would have no friends. Anytime I brought friends home she would accuse of them stealing stuff from her bedroom."

"All through high school I had one friend – Emma - she was the only person who was able to stand up to her. Of course Molly's revenge was to spread rumours in school that we were thieves and stole things from her bedroom and if that wasn't bad enough she starting rumours that we were lesbians and that no-one should go anywhere near us in case they caught something. Emma's parents came down the school and put a complaint in against Molly. Of course Molly played innocent and mum blamed it all on me. Her exact words were that Meredith has been nothing but an attention seeker since the day she was born. When we got home from school I was told that my lies in would get me in serious trouble one day."

"For some strange reason Emma still wanted to be friends with me but that did not stop Molly. Any boys that came and talked to us where paid by Molly to come and make fun of us. Emma was tall and thin and popular and would always try to set me up with plenty of dates, but as soon as Molly found out about it she either spread the rumours again or tried my dates out for herself."

"She would often rip up or spill juice over my school coursework the night before it was due to be handed in. It got to the point where I tried to hide it but Molly always found it. I remember how dad was so proud that I had made the school swim team but again Molly put an end to that. She would go down into changing rooms and flirt with all the boys and make fun of me because I was flat chested and how she was not. When I pulled out from the swim team dad was so disappointed. When i told him what Molly had said, mum told him I was making up stories and telling lies again."

Meredith paused and looked over at Derek the shock was etched over his face. He sat forward and started to speak.

"Why did you never fight back?"

"Oh I did, plenty of times, but it was always 'Poor Molly, Meredith is always fighting and picking on her'". Meredith replied.

Derek took a deep breath and started to bite his lip.

"Molly loved Valentine's Day." Meredith continued. "She loved all the cards and all the attention. One year dad decided to send me a single red rose so that I would not feel left out. He knew how much i loved red roses. The only problem was Molly found it before I did. She took the rose and painted the red petals with her black nail polish and left it on my bed with a note:

"Roses are black
Violets are dead
Sugar is horrible
And so are you"

Derek could not believe anyone could be so cruel. He reached and grabbed Meredith's hand and gave her gentle squeeze.

"Trust me it gets worse" Meredith continued. "Molly would spend most school nights climbing out her bedroom window and going to parties with her friends. It was no surprise that she failed her exams and then she passed her driving test and mum bought her a car."

"Oh dear God..." Derek stated

"Exactly." Meredith was shocked to find both her and Derek laughing. They both stopped and she continued.

"Within a few months she had been stopped numerous times by the police for drunk driving and speeding offences. The best one was when she knocked down her own boyfriend. She was high on heroine and mum of course was able to make sure that no charges were ever pressed."

By the time I was 16 Emma and I had planned that when we finished school we would go travelling. I knew that when I turned 18 I would be able to use the trust fund left by my grandparents. God we had planned lots of silly trips... anything to get away from both Molly and mum. It was by this stage I noticed mum was hitting the gin bottle every night."

Meredith took a deep breath knowing that the next part would be the hardest.
"Emma 's parents went away on a golfing break the weekend before her 17th birthday, so Ems planned a birthday party of which my mother refused to let me attend. I was gutted because the hottest guy in my class – Todd Barrowman - had asked me if I was going to the party and that he wanted to dance with me. So I decided to take a leaf of out of Molly's book – since she was always getting away with things – and climbed out my bedroom window to go the party."

"When I got to Emma's I got changed into my navy blue dress, put on my make-up and even curled my hair. Todd arrived a short time later and we had our dance. I never noticed that he was drunk when he arrived or that he had slipped something into my drink."

Derek closed his eyes he could feel his stomach churning at the thought of what Meredith was about to tell him. His grip on her hand tightened.

Taking a deep breath Meredith continued.

"The house was packed and it was stuffy and Todd asked me to come outside for some fresh air. We went and stood at the side of Emma's house and the next thing I know is that Todd is kissing and touching me." Meredith took another deep breath and willed the tears away. "The next thing I hear is Todd saying 'your sister said you would be easy for it'. The next thing I know I am waking up in hospital bed with dad crying in the chair and mum yelling at me calling me a disgrace to the family. She won't even let Emma come in and see me."

By now Meredith was crying and Derek pulled her towards him and hugged her to his chest.

Derek felt sick at thought that her sister had done this to her.

"To this day Derek I don't know what happened. Emma found me unconscious and called the police and my parents. Mum told the police that my story was lies and that was all I ever did was tell tales. She discharged me from the hospital me and wouldn't let the nurses carry out a rape exam."

"Let me get this straight" Derek said "you get attacked and you're a disgrace! Mer..."

"Derek don't. Let me finish please." Meredith moved out of his embrace and sat back on the sofa her hand still enclosed with his.

"For weeks before this I had heard dad on the telephone with his brother in London. When I got home from the hospital dad announced that he had enough of Molly's erratic behaviour and mum's drinking. He discovered that mum had used all our savings, trust funds everything to bail Molly out of trouble. In dad's words to save the family we were moving to London. A fresh start. When we arrived in London Molly sobered up and had to work for a living as a secretary at my uncle's law firm. I went to college and got my childcare qualifications. Everything was fine for a few years until mum collapsed. Basically her liver was failing and she needed round the clock care. Dad had to keep working; Molly refused to look after mum by herself, so I gave up being a nanny to look after her."

"Why?" Derek was struggling to believe how Meredith could give up her career to look after a person who had treated so badly. Meredith next words did not surprise – it described her perfectly.

"Because she is my mother. I did what I had to do. I couldn't let some stranger come in and take care her.

"Anyway mum got a liver transplant – as you already know. Afterwards she took a number of infections and in one her delirious states announced one day in front of me and several medical staff that I was a mistake – that she was on her way to the hospital for an abortion but dad begged her not to do it."

"Jesus Meredith" Derek whispered.

Meredith looked at Derek – he couldn't keep the emotion from his face. "It's okay Derek. Let's face it she confirmed that day what I had felt for years. We have never discussed it. While dad and I took care of her Molly started partying again – celebrating that she had her life back and that she no longer had to look after her mother. When I told them at dinner one night that I was moving back to Boston Molly flew into a rage and through her plate at the wall, the fork landed on the floor and the knife just missed my arm. She then announced that she no longer has a sister. That was the first time I can ever remember my mother ordering her to apologise for her actions." Meredith added stated.

"I met up with Emma when I moved back to Boston. It was good to see her again – but too much has happened – we will never be as close as we were. She did tell me that Todd is now in jail – he did exactly the same thing to two other girls."

"God if I ever get my hands on him" Derek stated through clenched teeth. He badly wanted to tear of each of Todd Barrowman's limbs... very slowly.

"I still don't understand Meredith – why on earth would you think that I would no longer want you looking after Beth?" Derek asked. He was now holding both of her hands.

"Because I am not normal." She almost screamed at him. She lowered her voice "Derek all my life I have had is people criticise me and blame me for every single thing that has gone wrong. I am a disgrace and failure to my family. I have absolutely no self confidence. I have never had anyone tell me 'well done Meredith' or 'you look lovely tonight'. I have never had anyone do anything nice for me – I'm not like you – I don't have family and friends running around trying to help me and throwing parties for me." Meredith was now crying.

"I have never had anyone tell me that they love me...not even from my parents..."

Before she knew it she wrapped in Derek's arm and she was now literally crying on his shoulder. Derek gently rubbed her back and whispered soothing words in her ear.

"My sister has made things hard for me – I am so scared of being hurt that I don't really let people in. I'm scared of trusting of someone, of letting them get close to me in case they make fun of me. I don't know what Todd did that night. It scares me that there is an hour of life that I don't remember. When I moved to London I went to a clinic and got tested – I'm clean. I thought that would try and help me move on but it hasn't."

Meredith was facing Derek who was still rubbing her back.

"This here – right now with you – is the closest I have been with anyone and that scares me. I have gone on dates with some really great guys but every time they try to.... I.... Feel Todd all over me. I have never ..."

"It's okay Mer". Derek badly wanted to tell her that he loved her but he didn't know if this was the right time.

"I am a complete screw up Derek. How can I look after a child when I don't know how to let anyone in?" Meredith asked.

Derek took a deep breath before answering.

"Meredith I am not going to lie to you. I am not going to hurt you. You know that I have feelings for you, from the moment I met you I have wanted to get to know you, to take you out for a proper date and I understand – now more than ever your reasons for not wanting anything more." Derek gently wiped a tear from her face.

"When Beth crawled over and drooled all over you that day in Boston I was embarrassed – you were beautiful lying there and I wanted to ask out for a date but Beth had other ideas." They both laughed at the memory of that day.

"I used Beth to get to know you better. I could not believe my luck when you told me that you worked with children and when I was offering you the nanny position I really wanted to ask you to go on a date with me. You are not a screw up Meredith – you have just experienced life differently from others. Contrary to what you what you think – you are the best person to be looking after Beth right now. You may not have had the perfect family or upbringing but you know what not to do – not to abandon a child and forget about them and at the same time not to spoil them rotten."

Derek smiled as he continued.

"My parents love you; Sam and Gavin spend more time talking to you on the phone than they do with me. Beth adores you. You cooking is good but your baking is excellent - your chocolate brownies and cookies are to die for. No-one is perfect Meredith. Even me. But I do know one thing – to me and Beth you are perfect and I want you in both of our lives."

Derek continued, "I want to spoil you Meredith and when it's your birthday there will be a party."

"I'm too old for birthday parties" Meredith laughed.

"Nonsense and I am going to pay you more compliments because you deserve them. The job that Adele has offered – it's your dream, you deserve it. I don't care what you decide as long as you are happy."

Derek reached over to kiss Meredith and he was delighted and when she returned the kiss.

When he broke away Derek stated "I want more kissing. More kissing I say. I want to spend every free moment I have with you."

Derek reached over a tucked a strand of her hair behind her ear. "I do not want to rush you into anything you do not want to do – but Meredith - I want to make love to you and wake up every morning beside you. I want you to help me build an amazing house and family with me on the land. I don't care how long it takes – we go at your pace. All you need to say is that you want that too."

Derek smiled and gazed into her eyes.

Meredith looked him the eye and answered "I want that too."

Derek pulled her back into his arms and held her tightly to him and continued to rub her back.

It was a short while later that Meredith had fell asleep in Derek's arms on the sofa and there was no way in hell he was going to waken her.

It was just after 6am when Beth's crying through the baby monitor woke them from their sleep. Neither of them wanted to leave each other's embrace which was probably more due to the fact that their muscles were sore from sleeping on the couch.

Meredith went and lifted Beth and changed her diaper while Derek put on some fresh coffee and started to make pancakes for breakfast.

Derek was standing at the island in the kitchen when he saw Meredith standing in the doorway with Beth in her arms and he smiled at her. When she smiled back Derek thought that life could not be more perfect.