Therian Diary

Wednesday, 17th of June, 2015

I have nobody else here who understands, so I'm going to use this.

I just had a breakdown. I obviously knew in the back of my head the whole time, it was blatantly obvious. But it just hit me hard after a few days of not being distracted from my thoughts.

Whenever I'm alone, my mind goes on a walk. It drifts farther and farther each time, and eventually I get lost. I get sucked into an endless vortex of questions. Is this even real? Is anything real? I'm just a complex equation of chemicals in numbers, memorising sequences and letters for an ultimately unimportant experience?

Sadness comes differently to each person.. And for me, it usually isn't even sad. It's just lonely, and foggy. And even though I'm standing in an open plain that could stretch forever and ever for all I care, I feel suffocated and crowded by my thoughts. 

Does my spirituality even matter? What am I even fighting for?

I realised about half an hour ago.. the thought that's been stuck in my head for a while. It hit me like a big yellow school bus. 

I will never be able to be myself. 

No matter how hard I try, and for as long as I live, there is no chance of me ever being able to be who I am on the inside, and on the astral plane. The veil between reality and the spirit world will never ever be lifted. 

I wish I never had to be a therian. It seemed like a blessing at first, but now as I am stranded in my words, I've realised it is a curse. It is a burden I carry with me. I thought I was healing, but I've fallen down another pit again. 

Of course, this does not conclude these entries. Nobody cares enough to show appreciation for them anyway, but this is more of a personal achievement than a social thing. 

It's good to be able to vent, even if it is just a bunch of endless coding I'm stringing together to post on a stupid website. 

See you in later entries.

-Psychedelic wolf