Muted // Felix-centric

Chapter 2

TRIGGER WARINING FOR THIS CHAPTER!!!

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On the way home I stroll a bit. I think of Jisung and his two friends, Seungmin and Hyunjin. They were really nice and it would definitely be great to make new friends again, but I can't let anyone get close to me anymore. It hurts too much to lose someone and I have lost too many in my life. The first person to leave me was my grandmother. I was only four, but she was still very important to me. My grandfather died shortly afterwards. He probably missed Granny too much and couldn't live without her.
Then I lost mom. That was by far the most terrible day of my life, which had to fall on my birthday.

I still remember picking up my birthday cake with Dad. We were all happy that day. I turned seven... seven years old and the first thing I saw when I walked through the front door was the blood on the floor. It was everywhere... My dad wasn't in the house yet because he had to get the cake from the car, but I was already running around the house, looking for my mother, scared and worried. There was this blood everywhere and when I ran into the kitchen everything was a mess. The pots and knives were everywhere. At first I thought someone had broken in, but then when I ran up the stairs with tears on my face and screaming for my mother, while my father ran into the house and immediately called the police when he saw the chaos, I saw my mother in the tub full of red colored water.

It was a terrible picture before my eyes. On the floor at my feet was a kitchen knife that must have fallen out of her hand as she died in the tub. Her arm was still hanging over the edge and you could see the cuts. They were deep and bloody. Her hair was wet and her eyes were closed. If it wasn't for all the blood, she would have looked peaceful. I was too young to immediately understand that my mother had lost too much blood to be alive. I ran to her and grabbed her shoulder. She was wearing her favorite dress... A yellow summer dress with a bow on her hip. She loved this dress because yellow was my favorite color. I loved that dress on her because she looked like a princess.
I shook her shoulder and screamed for her, but she didn't move.

My father rushed in and at first he couldn't believe what he saw. But when he pulled himself together again, he pulled me out of the bathroom and locked me in my room. I screamed and banged on the door, begging my dad to let me out and save mom. I could hear the sirens of the police and paramedics, but no one took me out of my room. The cake long forgotten, I sat in my room and only had the picture of my dead mother in front of me. After that I was never the same again. Word of my mother's suicide spread quickly and everyone knew about it. They all looked at me with those pitying eyes, but no one spoke to me about it. A few expressed their condolences, but there were also those who blamed me or my father for the suicide. I tried to ignore these statements, but it wasn't very easy for me.

Any normal parent would have sent a child who saw something like this to therapy, but my father spiraled into alcoholism and took his anger out on me. It wasn't until years later that I found out that my father was to blame for my mother's death because she killed herself because of him. Dad had a few affairs alongside my mother. I found out about this because she hid a note in my things, which I didn't find until years later. However, the information was of no use to me because Olivia was already on the way and I couldn't risk putting him or her mother in danger. So I kept the information to myself and will tell him to his face what I think of him at the right moment.

After my mother's death came the death of my former best friend, who is still a mystery to me to this day. But it's precisely because of these painful memories that I can't stop letting new people into my life that I then start to love. I can't lose anyone I care about anymore. I only have Olivia and that's already one person too many. All I can worry about is her and that's why I'm very happy with being alone and don't plan on giving it up. I can manage being alone... I can do this... I'm fine.