Muted // Felix-centric

Chapter 21

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"You mean nothing to me. I'm supposed to love you? How could I love someone like you? You're pathetic... a loser!" screams the only person in my life who still means something to me. I continue to stare as he turns and walks away from me. He doesn't even turn around anymore. "JINYOUNG!", not even when I scream for him. He just leaves and leaves me standing there alone. The whole school heard about it. Everyone stares first at me and then at Jinyoung. They don't seem to understand what happened themselves because they also look amazed. I do not know what to do. He was the only one I had left. Why is he leaving me too?

Why did you leave me? Why did you confess your love to me first and then expose me in front of the whole school? What have I done to you? But I will never get answers to these questions. I will never know why Jinyoung left me. Instead, I sit on the floor in the kitchen again in this now abandoned house and cry to myself. Only this time my father isn't there to yell at me and hit me. This time there is no Olivia to comfort me either. I'm all alone... again.

I sit on the floor in front of the kitchen counter that was once filled with the most delicious dishes and in front of it always stood the most beautiful woman that existed in this world. My mother was so beautiful. I miss her so much. She was always there for me. When she was alive, I was so happy and carefree. She protected me from everything and everyone. And now? I go from one mistake to the next and in the end I'm just on my own again. Why did they even have to start with that? Why couldn't they just remain my friends? Why did they want to be in a relationship with me? I'm no one special. I'm just me. A simple... freak.

I can hardly breathe anymore. The space around me is getting smaller and smaller and suddenly everything is spinning in circles. I try to stand up, but I immediately regret it as my legs are very weak and shaking a bit. I immediately fell back to the ground and just let myself fall. I no longer had any strength in me to protect myself from the fall. And so it happened that I fell on my back and hit my head on the ground. I immediately feel the pain shooting from my back to my arms to my head. Everything hurt so terribly... I lay on the floor and closed my eyes. I tried to breathe calmly, but every time I tried to take a breath, my chest hurt, like someone was pushing a knife deeper into my heart. It's almost like someone wants to kill me.

I open my eyes again and stare at the ceiling. My vision is a little blurry and I can barely see anything in the dark. But suddenly I feel something cold on my arm. I want to get up and hide right away, but I can't. It's like I'm paralyzed and I can't move anything, really nothing. Not a finger, not a toe and not even turning my head to the side. I feel the cold crawl up my arm and slowly spread across my chest. Am I dying now? Had the fall on the back of my head been a little too hard? Am I dead?

"Hello darling," a voice suddenly speaks. It sounds so gentle and so familiar "M-Mother?" I say and I'm shocked. For the first time in a long time, I not only have my mother's voice in my ears again, but also my own. I haven't heard it in so long. I thought my voice wouldn't be there anymore. "Hay baby," the voice says again and this time I recognize a face above me. It's actually my mother. She still looks as beautiful as she did back then. "Mom..." I whisper and feel tears welling up in my eyes. But this time my mother is here to catch her, just like she did back then. "Hay baby, what are you doing on the floor? Did you hurt yourself?" she asks immediately and I can see the love that I once saw every day again. "N-No, it's okay," I say to reassure her because I remember how she always reacted when she found out I was hurt.

"Oh my little baby. I'm so sorry for what happened to you. I'm sorry that mommy couldn't be there for you. I just couldn't take the pain anymore," she says and that confused me a little. "What pain, Mom?" I asked curiously, but she just tilted her head to the side and looked at me with her healing smile. Her eyes sparkled again like they did back then... but I immediately noticed that they weren't as sparkling on my birthday. "You knew it back then..." I said to her, realizing that my mother had planned to kill herself on my birthday all along. "But why? Why on my birthday?" I asked with tears in my eyes and this time my mother didn't catch them, she just let them run down my cheeks. "I'm sorry..." my mother whispers and leans down towards me. It went to my right cheek and stopped briefly. "I love you Lixie," then she gave me a kiss and I closed my eyes to enjoy the kiss I longed for so much.

But when I opened my eyes again, she was gone. "Mom? MOM!?" I screamed, but she didn't come back. More tears came to my eyes until I suddenly felt the same cold on my arm again. "Mom?" I asked, hoping that she would appear next to me again, but instead I saw another face that I thought I would never see again. "I'm sorry about your mother. I didn't know that," Jinyoung said, looking at me with pitying eyes. "J-Jinyoung-ie?" I asked and he nodded slightly and put his hand on my cheek. The cold was questionably pleasant and also felt warm. Jinyoung has always been good at cheering me up with just a touch. "I never told you. I wanted to, but..." I couldn't finish the sentence. The memory hurt too much. "I know... I hurt you and I never explained it to you," Jinoyung says in a soft but sad voice.

"Why Jinie? Why did you leave me?" I asked, hoping to get an answer this time, but here too Jinyoung just tilted his head to the side and smiled sadly at me. "I'm sorry. One day you will know the truth... but not alone," he said and I was confused again. "Not alone? What does that mean?" I asked, hoping for an answer and not another riddle. "You've been given new friends in your life. Don't leave them out," Jinyoung replies and I knew who he was talking about. I lowered my gaze. I couldn't love seven boys if I couldn't love the one person I truly loved. The same fate will only catch up with me again. "They are good people. They love you very much and are very worried right now. I promise you that love is not easy, but it is worth fighting for. I should have fought too, but I was afraid and gave up. I hurt a lot of people in the process. Don't make the same mistake I made," Jinyoung continues.

"But I love you," I say honestly and he smiles at me again. "I love you too, but I'm not here to give you that love anymore. They are here and they have so much love to give you. Give them a chance... please," Jinyoung begs me and I nod slightly. "Okay... I'll do it for you," I promise him and thanks him. Then he leans down towards my cheeks and stops just before. "I love you," he whispers against my cheek and gives me one last kiss. I close my eyes again full of longing and enjoy the feeling. But this time too it disappeared when I opened my eyes. And so I lie alone and cold on the floor again, unable to move. I wait to see if I can feel the cold feeling on my body again, but nothing comes. The only thing that comes over me is a sudden tiredness, that I can't defend myself against. And so I let it catch up with me and I just close my eyes and welcome the comfortable darkness.

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I know he ran away... again, but you have to understand that Felix is still new to all of this. He hasn't had someone in his life, who was willing to show him true love in along time. So he doesn't know how to handle it and therefore he just run away from the situation. Because running away from problems is easier then to handle them. But don't worry this book contains a major character devolpement, so stay excited.

And yes, I know he talked.
But it all has a reason.

If you are curious you have to wait for the next chapter, bye!

Hope you liked it!

~chichi