Hell is better

Chapter 17

Thomas Pov:

That hurt, that statement really hurt. I thought that he felt the same way about me, that he loved me too but looks like I was wrong.

Well, not totally wrong was I? He admited that there was a time he liked me, that there was a time he could've imagined a life together.
But that time was over and I actually shouldn't be upset.
He didn't walk away without explaning, he gave me a reason and I was thankful for that.

Him explaining that the distance made him rethink our relationship makes so much sense actually.

And he was right about Brenda. Shouldn't I love her without hesitation?
I felt bad, real bad because  in a way I betrayed her too.
Admiting my feelings for Newt made me weak at some point, made me sad but I also realised a few things.

Brenda was the sweetest person ever, the best girlfriend even tho I couldn't but only see her as a friend right now. She didn't deserve that, she deserved someone that loved her with a whole heart and till the end of the universe. I couldn't give her that, I couldn't give her the love that she deserved.

And that moment right there, when Newt left me speechless on the 1 floor, I knew I had to speak to my girlfriend and explain a few things to her.
And I also had to speak to Newt again. Trying to hopefully rescue our friendship and find out what else depressed him because there was definitely something else.
I saw it in his eyes.

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Teresas Pov:

I couldn’t move, didn't want to move. I just lay there and didn't had the energy to do anything at all.
The boys were now gone for almost 2 weeks.
It was supposed to only take one but they had so much to do and found so many material for the City. Vince contacted us a few days ago, they were fine.

But still I felt like shit.
Well maybe because it wasn't because of Newt. Ok that was a lie but it wasn't mainly about Newt.
I of course couldn't stop thinking about the fact that he was alone with Thomas, his former lover and that he let me fall like some kind of rubbish after all we've been too.

But that wasn't the matter of my depressed mood.
Like genuinely depressed, not just 'I don't fell good' depressed.

I thought about my life and how it went down. I thought about the people I had lost and the friends I didn't deserve.
And I thought about how I didn't deserve to live in Safe Haven.
So many people died, so many good people died but I didn't and that just didn't make sense to me.

Because how could a person so rotten and dead inside deserve all that?
How could a traitor like me deserve love at all?
My whole life was just a lie. I was nobody, a nothing but still such an important Part in the suffering of so many people.
And that made me wanna throw up.

Of course WCKD manipulated me, of course they took my family and my name and my identity and shaped me like they wanted me to be but it was still my decision and my anger that put me here.
I always just wanted to save everyone, to save the world and live without pain but what If that wasn't what I deserved?
So many people died because of me, I killed them in a way.

I was WCKD, I was evil but just because I wanted to do good.
I wanted to do the right thing, I was so naive but I was still very much aware of my actions.

Not dying that day I fell of the building felt like a second chance. Meeting up with Newt and fighting our way back to his friends felt like the beginning of a new me.
But it was also my downfall.

I fell for him in a way I never had for anyone. And I know that was a mistake I shouldn't have done.
He was in love with Thomas, he would never see me the way I did see him.
And that was okay. Because if someone deserved to be happy it was Newt, all over again.
He deserved to live a nice life here in Save Haven.
He had friends, he had a family. He had people that trusted him and he was liked by everyone.

I didn't have that and goshhh I of course could understand.
The people didn't Trust me, most of them saw me as a traitor and the others like a nothing.
People who didn't knew who I was were suspicious. They could see the evil, they could see the bad surrounding me.

I took a deep breath, actually whishing that wouldn't work anymore.
It was a sign of life and I didn't want than anymore.
My life was miserable, I hated myself the way the others always did. Maybe worse.

I hated myself for my actions and for my body and for my soul.
I was rotten, over and over.
I slightly turned my head to the mirror on the other side of the room.

Due to the top I was wearing you could see my scars. They were ugly, just like I was.
A whole bunch of them, very long ones stretched down my stomach and my back.
A memory came to my mind. I had to grinse, but not a funny one, more like a one of bitterness.
Even my mom thought I was ugly.
She scratched out her eyes so she didn't had to look at me again.
I remembered her very vague, but that fact was clear as water in my mind.

So how could someone so ugly, on the inside and on the outside, deserve life or love?
I turned away from the mirror and just continued to lay around.
I didn't had the energy to stand up, I didn't had the energy to do anything at all.

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Thomas Pov:

Finally the ship stopped as we were back home again.
I immediatly took my stuff and went down to greet the others.
I already could see Brenda from a distance, she waved at me and I did  back.

And after saying hello to Sonya, Fry and all the others that stayed in the Haven it was finally Brendas turn.
She smiled at me briefly.

'Hi' was the only thing I heard from her.

There was a strange look on her face and I knew that something was wrong.

'Is everything ok? You look so disappointed' I asked.

'Is it true? Is it true that you love Newt?' she went there without hesitation.

I sighted.

'Brenda look I'm sorry. I should've told you. Yes I like Newt, even tho it ist mutual. And I feel horrible for lying to you. I really like you and you are my best friend but I'm not sure if that is enough.'

Even tho I could see the hurt in her face , she stayed brave.

'Thank you for telling me Thomas. And you are right I don't think it is enough because I don't feel loved the way it should be. I guess we should break up and just stay friends ok? You have to sort out your feelings and maybe there will be a time where we find back to each other but I guess right now that relationship does not work' was her Response.

I just nodded and pulled her into a hug. She was right, it was the best right now.

Right next to us I could see Newt, he was stressed and defenitely looking for someone.

'Have you seen Tess?' was the next thing he said.

I noticed a strange look on Brendas face that fastly turned into realisation.

'Oh shit, no no no. I haven't seen her in like 4 days something must be wrong! Oh why didn't I look out for her?! I was just so stressed with my own problems I hope she is ok!'

Brenda was seriously worried and so was Newt.
Because the next thing he did was running as fast as he could.
We followed him to Teresas house and that look on his face made me realise a few things as well.

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Yeaaa New Part.
I know it has been over a fucking year but here we are again.
I will finish this, I promise. It's just a matter of time.

Arya