Hell is better

Chapter 11

Newts Pov:

I looked ahead again. Left it all behind me ... literally. What had happened had happened.
There was no point in worrying about it. At that time I had given no further thought to all the people we had left behind, to those we had killed, had given me no further thought about other cities or about my family. The past was there to make the future better.
In the end, it was just that ... passed. And maybe I shouldn't tell myself that if I did, I didn't care.
Actually, I didn't want to think about it anymore ... just like all the other things in my life. But it was different this time, something completely different.
And somehow it made me sick. We - Teresa and I - hadn't talked about what had happened.
What was between us ... and I was pretty sure neither of us wanted to talk about it at all.
And still I racked my brains because everything was completely mixed up, I was mixed up.
I didn't know if we'd only slept together because we were desperate, or because we felt something ... because I felt something.
After all, I had started all of this, but she hadn't minded.
And I didn't know whether to regret it or not. Well, actually I should ... but I didn't.
And again I was frightened of myself, because that was Teresa.
She had brought so much misery over us, so depraved us ... and yet I regretted nothing.
I didn't hate her ... but I didn't trust her either. My overreaction was just another little piece of the puzzle in the unsolvable puzzle.
I hated her, I loved her ... oh, I didn't know what I wanted myself.
Or how it would develop. I was a bad person, she was a bad person ... and yet we were among the good ones, somehow.
I had made mistakes, just like her ... somehow I could understand her, even though I still didn't know all of her reasons.
And that I somehow understood her, that also frightened me.
I was in a conflict between my mind and my feelings, my knowledge of people.
Everything was just a mess. And the only thing I really did was keep quiet and occasionally watch Tess, who was sleeping on the passenger side with a smile on her face.
She looked so peaceful, and most of the time she was. But I also knew you other Teresa, who would stop at nothing.
Just as her two personalities were totally different and contradicting, so were my thoughts ... and everything that had happened.

//

A few days had passed.
A couple of days when I kept thinking about everything, but nothing had happened.
We never talked about it. We just treated each other normally and, surprisingly, it wasn't difficult for me at all.
We talked, laughed and flew on. Just like friends.
But we both knew that we were somehow more and also less. Enemies ... and lovers too.
Or at least I liked her a lot, mostly. Whenever she laughed, my heart got warm and I realized how beautiful she actually was.
And every time she talked about her past or her story, my heart went freezing and I closed up again.
It was like a carousel and there was no end.
If I could have, then I would have set the time back, would have done everything differently ... but I couldn't and I had to live with everything now. With her as she was and as she wasn't.
It had always been carefree, but also tense. It just drove me crazy ... just like my life was.
And then there were moments when I thought about Tommy and what I felt for him.
Because I loved him or did I still do it? Far too much had happened and a long time passed, but it still hurt when I thought of him.
And then I thought again of Tess ... and then of both of them and what had been between them.
It was like a love thong, only that the third thought we no longer exist. Which in a way we didn't do ..... we didn't exist.
For us, yes, but not for the world.
"Can you take over again?" the brunette asked without looking at me. "For sure "
I stood up and went to the driver's desk to relieve them.
She got up and half turned to get under my arms when I was already at the wheel. She only touched me minimally, and still I winced.
Not in a bad way, more like being electrocuted from someone who could mess you up.
"I go take a shower" she said.
Without wanting to, I thought of her in the shower ... her body full of clear water ... okay stop!
That just made me even more crazy!