The In Between

God Is Not Happy With Me

God is not happy with me. I was blessed with the gift of melody, and i refused to use it simply because people made it feel like a mandatory assignment. I use to love singing. It gave my life purpose. But then when my sisters spiritual gift was bestowed upon her things changed. My worth was defined by if i would sing or because i could sing, instead of my worth being found in God. I was so young I didn't understand that my family would do that. Putting my voice on a pedestal. Demanding it to be heard when they wanted to hear it. I was worthless but my voice made me worthwhile.

I remember asking God:
"Why am i their jester, their entertainment? Am i only profitable or worthy of their love if i sing? Do they not see the roots beneath me? Am i so undesirable the only saving grace is my song? I do not wish to have attention like this."

Not long after i silenced my voice. I became depressed. I became the shell of my former self. The only reason people cared was because i had quit singing. They asked if i was ok. So i lied.
"Of course. Why wouldn't i be?"
"Well, wed love to hear you sing."
"I'm not really in the mood"
"Of course you are. Plus it'll make us feel better. It'll make us happy."

I didn't really care if i made others happy, because look at what i allowed them to do to me.
I barely recognized myself.

"My child, why do you let them win. Why do you consistently feed into their meaningless words. Do you not remember you are enough? Do you not remember what i showed you. What i gave you? It was never meant for them. It was never meant for conditional relief. Please sing for me."

My mind wondered. Why do i let myself be so easily molded?