The In Between

If Life Gives You Lemons

If life gives you lemons is that why I'm sour?

People pucker at my words and reactions. i grew up knowing people were forced to be around me. I never thought that would mean the people i thought actually liked being with me. I know as a kid i was somewhat of a hard pill to swallow. I was what people would call a "know it all" but I wasn't. When i learned something knew i was excited to share it. Especially if it meant it would help the person i loved in the long run. I never wanted people to view me as something they had to put up with, but i guess no matter who i tried to be, i was always the problem. Always too sweet, too kind, too knowledgeable, too clingy, too rough, too appreciative. I never really had family i connected with growing up. I mean don't get me wrong i had my sisters... but even then 90% of the time it was forced. I just wanted someone to love me the way i loved them. Knowing now that i was the problem absolutely astounds me. I'm sorry I wasn't enough of what ever they needed. At least i know now I'm enough for God. I'm enough for my husband. I'm enough for my child. I'm enough for me.

No amount of learning about peoples intolerance from the past or present can change that.
I can say I've changed a lot. I no longer tell people what they want to hear. I no longer show the reflection f who they want to see. I no longer feel the need to rectify every situation i was never wrong in. I no longer want to be a chameleon. I've spent my life hiding from the honest, kindest, most loving person i am because it didn't fit the narrative for whom ever i was around. I will always be "To much". I will never fit everyone's ideal person. But that's not my problem.

So i will continue to be "sour" and "To much". And I'll continue to grow where God planted, with every drop of water and ray of light. This sunflower is about to fully bloom and i feel bad for anyone missing out because of their lack of compassion.