The In Between

Dear me..

As I sit on the couch across from these people I've known my entire life, after taking Advil and 3 variations of CBD, I realize that this panic attack
/this anxiety attack I'm now experiencing is making
my vision blur
Sounds are distant
And words are muffled
My ears have a slight ring
And I can physically feel my heart jumping.
It's as if I'm ceasing to exist in this crowded hot room. My head is spinning while people look at me as if I'm self conscious. I am not. I am overwhelmed. I am afraid of leaving my child in a room full of people where I cannot see her. I am burnt out from the extreme mental load I carry daily. I am worried that I am not enough for anyone but my child. I am mourning my husbands old light that he no longer carries. I am afraid of my mind. Within seconds I am barely breathing. My mind is begging my husband to look at me for comfort. I'm starting to tear up. My heart racing with each breathe. Suddenly I am dying alone in a crowded room and when I am asked if I'm ok I simply say "yeah".

I am an idiot.

Coffee helps. I am focusing on colors and decorations.
Red sign
Tan wall
White brick
Cousin
Black shirt
White pants
Crying baby
Aunts
Mom
Husband..

Red sign
Tan wall
Black shirt
Beef jerky
Turkey
Ham
Cherries
Feet
Tile

*deep breath*
My eye sight clears with each sip
My voice becomes normal and I am one with myself again.

Thank God for coffee
My husband is sitting next to me and suddenly there is peace
I am safe
I am loved
And I am allowed to breathe

Dear me..
it's ok to not be ok