Desolate Love

Chapter 7: Regret

Alec POV

He was right, I cant take back everything I did and everything that happened to him. I probably could never even make it up to him. I had royalally screwed up everything. If I could take it all back, I would; in fact its by far the worst mistake I ever made. I know Toby feels the same, if not worse than I did. After all, he was the one who wished to leave Vaughn. In fact, he very regularly stated how much he regret ever doing that to him, how he could ever be so cruel, how he wanted him back. It was a mutual feeling. We were young and in love when we were younger. We just wanted to be alone with each other like cats in heat - so much that we pushed the one person who made us so complete away. So much that we nearly killed the person who kept us together. We nearly killed Vaughn, and that was unforgivable. I knew that, yet I still wanted his forgiveness so badly, like a craving that wouldn't go away. We both did, and yet we couldn't have it.

"Toby, I'm home." I called out as I got home, only to feel arms wrap around me soon after.

"Hey Al, how was your day?"

Here goes nothing: "Well, it was both the best and worst day ever.." I began.

"Al, nothing will ever be worse than that day." Toby sighed, referencing the day that we were informed of Vaughn's attempt.

"Just hear me out," I spoke calmly although my heart was racing, "He was at my work. I don't know why, but he was there. He wouldn't tell me why but he was definitely there."

"You mean... Vanny was at your work?" Toby questioned, his breath hitching at my nod.

"Yeah."

"Well, that's great! We can apologise and-"

"That's the problem," I cut him off, "He has no interest in hearing us out and can you even blame him? We drove him to attempt suicide, Toby! It was never going to be as easy as just apologising and being his friend again. He despises us!"

Toby cowered slightly at my raised voice. I wasn't angry at him to say, more at past us and the memories they came with. Us walking past his bruised body, walking past his almost daily beatings with little to no glance back at him. How could we ever blame that on our love for each other? That was pure heartlessness. We were heartless.

"But we changed!" Toby tried to combat, "Can't we at least try and show him we are sorry? So that he doesn't think we got off guilt-free? So he doesn't think that we are still so... So evil?"

"He doesn't want to even look at me, Toby!" I sighed, "We can try but if he decides he wants to be left alone we have to respect it, besides we did this to ourselves. Don't you remember all the shit we put him through?"

Flashback

I look over at Toby and our interlocked hands. We were finally alone and it couldn't have felt better. Vaughn had stopped asking us to hang out every weekend and while I did find it strange, I was honestly relieved. After all, it meant no more excuses to spend time alone with Toby.

"Hey, faggot!" I heard a yell from behind us, I whip around ready to defend myself and Toby only to discover it wasn't aimed at us, but Vaughn instead. I watched as he was punched in the face and pushed to the floor. I watched as some guy, I believe his name was Nick but I had never personally interacted with him, beat him black and blue. I watched along with everyone else until his eyes met mine. That snapped me out of my trance.

"Come on Toby. Let's go somewhere quieter." I stated as I pulled him further down the hallway, further from my helpless friend.

***

The bullying continued for months and only got worse over time. It seemed almost routine to find Vaughn on the floor or limping due to some new injury around the school. I was honestly confused as to how the teachers hadn't gotten involved yet. I knew they were bad, but even this seemed to overstep the line that they would ignore. But I guess I was doing the same. I wouldn't even do a double-take until one day I caught a glimpse of his wrist. I vividly remember the bile that rose to my throat at the sight of it. Reddish-brown scabbed lines covered all of the skin that I caught a glimpse at. That was the day I realised that maybe it was even a little too out of hand for me to ignore, although I admit that I did very little to actually stop what was happening. I would just occasionally call out to Nick and his gang to 'leave it' if it looked too bad, and I honestly felt heroic at the time.

Well I did until the day I received the news. It was just a normal day, Toby and I were just walking into the classroom when I got a message from my mom.

Mom

What the fuck happened to you?

I was confused, and honestly scared at the message. I quickly text back a short "what?" or something along the lines, but I will always remember the next message.

Mom

I thought you and Vaughn were friends?

He's currently in hospital for servere carbon monoxide poisoningThey believe it was a suicide attempt.
His dad believes it was because of people at school. Do you have anything to say about that?

My breathing stopped at that moment. My heart felt like it had flat-lined. Vaughn did what?

"What happened?" Toby asked, but for the first time, his voice aggravated me. Everything moving, breathing or just existing seemed to at that moment.

"Vaughn is in the hospital."

"Okay?" Toby asked with confusion as if it wasn't that big of a deal.

"He tried to kill himself!" I lashed out at him, "He tried to kill himself all because you- no- we left him! We left him and now look what happened! This is all your- out fault!" I chocked out on my own sobs. "We did this..."

"...what?" Toby whispered.

"Oh come on you're not that dense!" I yelled, "He was fine until you kept pressuring for us to leave him! Now, look what happened!"

I was so angry at the world and myself that I just stormed out the room. I jumped the school fence, ignoring the calls of teachers that they would call my parents and that I couldn't leave. I would've normally been scared shitless at the threats but my mind felt blank. I just kept walking til I reached my destination. A place I hadn't been in months.

Knock, Knock, Knock.

It was a few moments until a woman opened the door. A woman I knew very well.

"Alec? What are you doing here?" Vaughn's mother asked with confusion.

"What hospital is Vaughn at?" I asked as politely as possible.

"I don't know." She shrugged, "That boy's father just took off with him yesterday. God knows where they went." 

What...?

"What do you mean? You don't know where they are?"

"Nope." She confirmed, "I don't care where they went."

"What do you mean? He could be dead!" I raised my voice at her, something I would've never dreamt of doing before.

"Like I said - I don't care." She continued, "I hope that boy does - along with his rancid father. They're both pests." She dismissed with her hand, "If that's all, you best be going. Goodbye." And like that, she shut the door in my face.

I stood there for a few moments, shocked with pure hatred at the shit I had just heard, but more at myself.

How had I never noticed her lack of care? How had I never noticed her abusive behaviour? How had I left Vaughn alone with her?

It was on that day that I realised my 'heroic' actions were nothing more than a wall I had tried to build to prevent feeling guilty. A facade I had made to protect myself, not Vaughn. I did nothing to help Vaughn in the end, all I did was protect myself. I had protected myself and hurt him in the process, and I could never forgive myself for that.