atsushi angst oneshots

Like a broken wine glass

A/N: gonna be honest this is partially a vent. i got kinda liek sidetracked half way through so do be warned when you read.  this shorter then i was hoping so im really sorry about that. i did kind of rush the end because im not sure how to write the thoughts and travleing to suicide attempt so im so truly sorry if i portrayed any of this innocrrectly or wrong. probably still won't update much either but I will try. not feeling the best still. I love yall and as usual i hope you enjoy <33
TW: SUICIDE, DEPRESSING THOUGHTS, SAD SHIZ AND OTHER POSSIBLE TRIGGERING TOPICS READ  WITH CAUTION.

when a wine glass breaks, it cannot be put back together. even if you try and tape it, or glue it, or stick a plaster on it, the liquid still comes pouring out in the end. the wine will seep out and cover the table before hitting the floor.

it's the same for an apology. the damage is done and a simple 'I'm sorry' can't fix it. it's broken.

At 9:50am, I was working on a report for kunikida, when dazai walked over to inform me that I was required to attend a mission with that of akutagawa from the port mafia. of course my initial response was a refusal, asking kyouka or dazai himself to do it instead. but alas, I was denied of such requests and sent on my merry way.

I had no clue what the mission was about or what I would to be doing, I just had to go.

arriving at the destination, I was greeted with akutagawa shouting at me for being late.

"you stupid weretiger! why were you even born, your useless!" he shouted, pointing his grimy and pale finger at me. rashomon at the ready as if to attack me.

"sorry!" I responded sassily. "dazai only told me about the mission like 10 minutes ago!"

"that no excuse, you should have better time management." he snapped.

"the agency is 30 minutes from here, even if I took a car!?" I responded, crossing my arms.

"honestly no wonder you parents abandoned you..." he grumbled. "it's a wonder why dazai even wants you"

"says the one dazai fucking abandoned!" I grumbled in shouty tone so that akutagawa could hear me loud and clear.

"your a disappointment atsushi. your useless, your disgusting, your pathetic. dazai didn't leave me, he left the mafia. he still cares for me, but you? he just wants you to achieve his goals. he hates you, weretiger. they all do. you deserved what the orphanage did to you. you deserve worse. your a vile excuse for a being. you waste of space. your friends hate you, kyouka would be better off with you dead. your stupid, you cant even spell for heavens sake! your so irritating, your too loud and are constantly getting the attention when you dont deserve it. your so fucking dramatic honestly why don't you just fucking kill yourself to save me the time of day."

"jesus Christ-! what is wrong with you" I shouted. who the fuck tells another person to kill themselves?

....

was he right?

should I kill myself?

did I deserve it?

did I?

tears brimmed my ducts, those said tears already beginning to fall before I could take a moment to breathe. each tear hit the concrete, leaving a mark on the world of my pathetic existence. I really am pathetic aren't I?

"oh suck it up brat, you've heard worse. crybaby" akutgawa taunted, a mocking tone.

"i- what the fuck is wrong with you...?"  I whispered out, tears just kept falling and falling taking over me until I felt a struggle to breathe. my breathing picking up, my body begging to tremble and quake.

I tried so desperately to calm myself, from scratching my arms to try and ground myself to breathing exercises yosano taught me. it didn't work. I was overflowing. spilling from the seems.

when had I last cried?

I'm sorry.

I'm so pathetic.

my feet moved, backing away from my spot I front of akutagawa. just briefly I saw his face, concern? disgust?  I wasn't sure what it was. I hadn't seen that expression.

running. I was running. not sure where to, not at the time, but I was running. sprinting.

finding myself at the edge of a building, without s econd thought or even rational decisions i jumped.

I didn't want to. regret. a spout of regret filled me the moment I dropped from the ledge, a sharp pain spreading through me as I hit presumably the ground and the world went black for the final time...