WARNING SH MENTION AND SUICIDE MENTION
From a very young age, I've suffered with my mental health. It's been a constant battle of fighting to stay alive. And it's not like I had or have a shit life, because I don't. I have everything I could want. An amazing job, amazing friends and amazing fans. Being a footballer is all I've ever wanted and I couldn't be more grateful. But I still have moment, many moments when I feel so low, I feel nothing but the urge to hurt myself and whisk myself out of this world. But I've only ever gone as far as hurting myself. And it's something that I've become addicted to. Something that I can't help.
Today was just another day of training. All the girls pile into the changing room to get into our kits before training. We only have a few days left of arsenal training, before a lot of us go off to our camps, me off to the England camp. I love England camp, but I do miss my friends back at arsenal, especially Katie and Vivianne. Those two have been with me through my ups and downs, becoming people that knew everything about me and what I've been through, and loving me unconditionally. They are my best friends and I don't know what I'd do without them. And it makes me so happy seeing them happy. Beth and Viv are so bloody cute together and I love how Beth brings out a more confident side in Viv. And Katie and Caitlyn are just such weirdos together, but they work and I love their dynamic.
I tie the laces of my boots before making my way onto the pitch to start training. It wasn't actually cold, but I wore some Nike pros under my shorts as a way to hid my scars and feel more comfortable. I always get asked why I wear them, because it can get really hot with them on under the rest of my clothes, but I just shrug and tell them it's what I like.
One person who never stops pestering me and asking is Leah. She's always coming up to me and asking how I am, asking what's going on outside of football and if I'm okay. And yes, I get that she's an arsenal captain and also my England captain, but I can't help but get annoyed at her. And it hurts because I stupidly really like her, but I know the only reason she's asking me is because she's the captain and it's her job to make sure all her players are fit both physically and mentally. She keeps pushing and pushing for me to let her in, but I can't and I won't. I will not show her my weak side. Only two people have ever seen it and only those two, my best friends, ever will.
Today was just another training and another day of Leah asking me the same bloody questions. I turn to her and give her a bored expression.
"It was the same yesterday and it's the same today, Leah. I'm fine." I say before walking away over to sit with Viv and Katie.
"Babe you're going to have to tell her at some point." Katie whispers.
"Yeah y/n, she's your captain. It's her job. She's only trying to help." Viv adds.
I roll my eyes and sigh.
"She doesn't need to see how weak I am, okay? So forget it. Please." I say through my teeth at both of them.
I watch as Katie frowns and places a hand on my shoulder.
"She's not going to think you're weak. No one could ever think you're weak. You just have to let her in." Katie says again.
Oh for fuck sakes. Why can't they just listen to me and leave it alone.
"Just leave it alone." I snap loudly, before getting up and making my way out of the changing room.
I can tell everyone was looking at me, but I don't care. I just want to get home.
I make my way to my car and as soon as I sit down, the tears begin to fall. And I let them. The fall and they fall and they fall. All I can do about it is smack my hands against the steering wheel over and over again, in frustration.
But what I didn't know was that Leah had made her way out to the car park to follow me, and was watching from afar as I cried.
-
The girls let me know that their almost at my apartment to pick me up for England camp. We all have this think, the England girls, where we all just hope into one persons care and go up together. Today Leah was driving and the pulled up outside my apartment complex with the rest of the girls already in the car. The last seat available was the seat behind the passenger seat. I chuck my bag in the boot before taking my seat next to Beth. I smile at them and thank Leah before we head off.
