I blew out the candle and watched as my room flickered into darkness. Happy sweet 16 to me. I guess. To be honest with you even though I counted down from every January of every new year down to the last single hour, my birthday always felt dull. One of my favorite days of the year, yet...Dull. And though in my years of parties and having fun, when my friends left the house it just felt. Empty. Every year my birthday feels empty—Yet in the back of my mind some feeling lingered that made it feel special.
I had a different countdown, though. 2 days, I thought. 2 days. And that's when I decided I'd leave. Not my house, not my parents, not my friends. But the world. 2 days until I left the world. And 2 days later it's the day.
I told my parents I wanted to have my birthday alone, and despite their concern and curiosity they couldn't do or say much since it was my birthday. My day of the year. But today is even more special, because as I got gifts, I'm giving a gift to the world.
I've thought about it a lot. How much my death would hurt. I've pondered every possibility and scenario and in the end I know my death would kill everyone. But at the same time I keep killing myself slowly from the inside. I have nothing left. I'm just a chaotic, unstable, empty shell with hidden tear stains running down my cheeks. Deep down I do love everyone. I just want what's best for them. And maybe without me doing so much—and my bothersome, insignificant existence running around they'd feel okay for once.
I looked down at the note I wrote. I hope everybody will be okay, I do. All I could do while staring at that note was cry and feel my stomach crumble.
"And to my best friend, you meant the world to me. I'm sorry I've been a failure...I really am sorry. I love you, with every little drop of blood running through my heart. I know it'll hurt for a long time, my death. It feels selfish, and in death the guilt will haunt my soul knowing I left you in the dust. I just don't know where to go anymore. I really don't. I found comfort in you, I did. And I know we had a lot to work on, and I know our friendship wasn't perfect but I found so much love and comfort in you. God, I'm sorry for all the mistakes I've made and all the times I've hurt you. I really didn't deserve you. You mean the world to me. It's not your fault, so don't blame yourself. You never destroyed me. You never damaged me. I've been damaged the whole time, and I'm sorry I had to put you through so much. Even if I die with you mad at me, I'll always still love you, and when you feel like you're at your worst and feel like the ugliest girl in the world just know I found you perfect, and always have. Since day one. I love you. Thank you for the happiest memories a best friend could give me, truly<3"
Leaving her hurts. And to be honest she was a reason I stayed. I tried to stay for her. But it felt like with each passing day I made her unhappier and more unhappier. I feel like I damaged her, and that's the guilt that haunts me the most. But I loved her. And I wanted to give her the world. And I wanted her to realize her own worth. She really was so, so gorgeous. She was everything. And I was hoping one day she could look in the mirror and see herself the way I saw her. No insecurities. Just...Perfection. I cherished everything about her, and I hope one day she'll cherish everything she ever hated about herself.
I clicked sent. The message sent onto my private, as the public story didn't matter. Eighty percent of the people on there were just stupid fucks who could give less of a shit about me, and they only notice you once you die. And I didn't want to be noticed by them purely for my death. But my private. It had everyone I cared about. And I hope they knew I loved them dearly.
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I cried on my 16th birthday because of such an unhealthy attachment. You'll uh, see a lot of stories about said former attachment. It's been like...three, two years?
